Cold Cream

Cold Cream
Estee Lauder, who convinced people they were old and ugly to build a billion-dollar empire out of crap she used to make in her kitchen, has found the drain stopper on the fountain of youth, pulling the plug at the age of 97. Her products are expected to give her a natural look in her final repose. Calling her products "jars of hope," (not to be confused with jars for dopes) Lauder took her uncle’s recipes, added creative marketing and created a company worth $10 billion at the time of her death.

Tom and Greg’s Team Matlock were the only ones to make up ground on this one, taking first and second place, respectively, as the only ones among us with two hits so far.

The leaderboard:
1st Tom
2 hits, 30 points
2nd Greg’s Team Matlock
2 hits, 14 points
3rd Jen
1 hit, 20 points
4th Warren
1 hit, 6.666667 points
(tie) Greg’s Team Quincy
1 hit, 6.666667 points
(tie) Joan-Marie
1 hit, 6.666667 points

A few others of note I have been remiss in mentioning…

Last Exit
Hubert Selby Jr., the author who eschewed pesky literary notions such as plot and punctuation in such novels as Last Exit to Brooklyn and Requiem for a Dream, has made his own ultimate egress at the age of 75. Lacking formal training, Selby wrote Exit to Brooklyn, a novel so darkly depressing that it was banned as obscene in England and parts of the United States, and was hailed as a brilliant exercise no one would want to read.

Most Recent Dead Twin
(Props to Monty for the header)
Norris McWhirter, co-founder of the Guinness Book of Records tied the record for most fatal heart attacks last week at the age of 78. Norris and his brother Ross started the book to settle a debate between several drunks over whether the golden plover or red grouse was the faster bird. One of the drunks happened to be a Guinness executive who realized the potential for a bar bet arbiter with his company’s name on it, and soon the greatest selling copyrighted work of all time was born. Over the years a public with an increasing hunger for notoriety through humiliation led to the addition of a wide range of categories, prompting a columnist at The Evening Standard to dub the book: "The Guinness Book of Morons Doing Pointless Things to Make Ross and Norris McWhirter Even Richer."

Footing the Bill
Pat Tillman gave up the muddled mess of the Arizona Cardinals playbook for the muddled mess of the Bush Administration’s foreign policy and made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of his country, dying in a firefight in Afghanistan at the age of 27. With a reputation as one of the NFL’s toughest players, Tillman had a $3.6 million contract waiting for him with the Cardinals, but responding to the events of September 11 was a higher calling, and he joined his brother in the Army Rangers, following in the footsteps of relatives who had served at Pearl Harbor and in Vietnam. After leaving the NFL, Tillman declined requests for interviews, and did not request special treatment, considering his sacrifice no greater than that of his comrades. To honor that spirit, below is a listing of the 109 Americans killed in Afghanistan since military operations began there in October 2001.

Jones, Darrell
Profitt, Jason
Dillon Jr., James R.
Tillman, Patrick D.
Jallah, Jr., Dennis
Lagman, Anthony S.
Esposito, Jr., Michael J.
Claunch, Herbert R
Hall, David E.
Golding, Nicholes Darwin
Gilman, Benjamin L.
Seitsinger, Danton K.
Scott, Justin A.
Mowris, James D.
Mancini, Curtis
Kinser, Adam G.
Cook, Robert J.
Perreault, Theodore L.
Plumhoff, Steven
Walkup Jr., Thomas A.
Walters, Howard A.
Kerwood, William J.
Albert, Phillip R.
Blessing, Jay A.
Sweeney, Paul A.
Carlson, William
Clemens, Shawn M.
Wood, Roy A.
Mueller, Christopher Glenn
Kimbrough, Paul W.
Parker, Kristian E.
O'Neill, Evan W.
Thomas, Adam L.
Fuller, Chad C.
Lane, Mitchell A.
Tapper, David M.
Geiger, Christopher P.
Gutierrez, Kelvin Feliciano
Retzer, Thomas E.
Michaud, Seth R.
Taylor, John E.
Losano, Raymond
Dennis, Jerod R.
Frazier, Jacob L.
Morales, Orlando
Stein, John
Teal, John "Mike"
Maltz, Michael
Hicks, Jason Carlyle
Archuleta, Tamara Long
Plite, Jason Thomas
McNeil, Spence A.
Smith, John D.
Moehling, Timothy Wayne
Tracy Jr., William John
Gonzalez-Garza, Rodrigo
Clemens, Brian Michael
Boes, Helge
Barry, Michael C.
Frampton, Gregory Michael
O'Steen, Mark
Kisling Jr., Daniel Leon
Gibbons, Thomas J.
Checo, Steven
Pena, Pedro
Ebbers, James H.
Sledd, Antonio J.
Foraker, Ryan D.
Speer, Christopher J.
Tycz II, Peter P.
Corlew, Sean M.
Shero, Anissa A.
Vance Jr., Gene A.
Galewski, Justin J.
Maugans, Jamie O.
Romero, Daniel A.
Craig, Brian T.
Bourgeois, Matthew J.
Anderson, Marc A.
Crose, Peter P.
Svitak, Philip J.
Roberts, Neil C.
Chapman, John A.
Cunningham, Jason D.
Commons, Matthew A.
Stanley L. Harriman
Carter, Curtis A.
Disney, Jason A.
Cohee III, Walter F.
Morgan, Dwight J.
Hays, Nathan P.
Winters, Jeannette L.
Germosen, Scott N.
McCollum, Daniel G.
Bryson, Stephen L.
Bertrand, Bryan P.
Bancroft, Matthew W.
Chapman, Nathan R.
Davis, Jefferson D.
Petithory, Daniel H.
Prosser, Brian C.
Jakes Jr., Michael J.
Maria, Giovanny
Spann, Johnny Michael
Parker, Vincent
Johnson, Benjamin
Davis, Bryant L.
Edmunds, John J.
Stonesifer, Kristofor T.
Andrews, Evander E.

Pissed Off

David Sheridan, inventor of the modern disposable catheter, has died at the age of 95. Prior to World War II, catheters were made of braided cotton strings that looked like shoelaces, but Sheridan found a way to make the catheter bladder. Sheridan generally dictated his thoughts on design ideas, and his declaration, “Urethra, I’ve got it,” is renowned in medical lore. His development of a plastic catheter made a vas deferens in medical care, but Sheridan got the shaft for years, before being honored in 1993 by the American Society of Anesthesiology for developing the first cardiac catheters and the "Saratoga Sump Drain" and "Salem Stomach Sump Drain."

One in a Hole

Bruce Edwards, long-time PGA caddie, has succumbed to amytrophic lateral sclerosis. Despite spending 30 years as Tom Watson’s caddie, the closest he came to an actual athlete was contracting Lou Gehrig’s disease.

Big Mac Attack

Or
Greased

Or
I can see the deadly hamburger has done its evil work.*

Or
McDeath

Or
You know why Americans call it fast food...because it speeds them on the way to the grave.*
James Cantalupo, CEO of McDonalds, died of a "sudden and unexpected heart attack," creating a bit of a catch-22 for the fast food giant: do we acknowledge that our products have a body count greater than Jason Voorhees, or do we claim that even our own executives don’t eat the petroleum byproducts we call food? Ironically, Cantalupo had been credited with bolstering McDonalds' profits, due in part to the inclusion of a healthier menu. Share prices dropped by more than a dollar after Cantalupo's death was announced, as investors fears McDonalds' salad days were behind them.

* Mad props to anyone who recognizes this as a quote from the most underrated action film of 1985:

A wrap-up of those who have been wrapped up

Lars, but not Least
Lars Piloof, the janitor who rose to become King of Norway for a few brief hours, died in Piltdown Castle at the age of 93, leaving his wife Ana Gram. During WWII the family of King Olav V of Norway fled to the United States, taking up residence at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York. There, the family befriended Roswell Piloof, a hotel janitor, and he became one of the family's personal aides. After the war, Piloof accompanied the family to Norway, and adopted a more suitable first name, Lars. For decades, he was the personal assistant to the king, and was attending the king on his deathbed in 1991. The deluded king, thinking he was speaking with his son, abdicated the throne to Lars. Several hours passed before the rightful heir, Harald V could return to the capital, where Piloof immediately abdicated himself. In gratitude, Piloof was given Piltdown Castle for himself and his family. The incident was kept quiet for several years until Clifford Irving chronicled the story in a book "The Giant of Cardiff," referring to Piloof's hometown in New York.

Good-night Jim-Bob
James Hamner, the inspiration for Jim-Bob, the big-eared Walton, bought the farm, ironically less than year after he sold the real-life farm on the real-life Walton Mountain.

Sad Sack
John Sack, a battlefield correspondent who covered American wars in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Yugoslavia and Afghanistan died Saturday. He melded the "new journalism" literary style with a determination to accurately tell the story. Perhaps his most famous story was the account of William H. Calley, Jr., the man responsible for the My Lai massacre of Vietnamese civilians, at 33,000 words, the longest ever published by Esquire. Sack was indicted on federal charges for refusing to hand over his notes to prosecutors during Calley’s trial, but the charges were dropped.

Face the Music
Art James, a host and announcer for television game shows, died on Sunday at the age of 74. Ironically known by many as the host of the fake game show Truth or Date from the Kevin James film Mallrats, James’ was the friend of many a stay-at-home mom and sick kid with a long list of day-time quiz shows including Say When!, Fractured Phrases, Face the Music, Who, What or Where Game, Blank Check, Matches N’ Mates, Temptation and the Magnificent Marble Game. He also served as the announcer and understudy for Hugh Downs on the original Concentration and last appeared in Family Feud Challenge in 1992.

For the Birds
Viscountess Dilhorne, who trained pigeons to carry secret communications from the rest of Europe in World War II, died this week at the age of 93. Secret agents and resistance fighters in Europe used them to communicate with London. The birds flew back to Mary Manningham-Buller, as she was known before her husband was titled, with coded messages strapped to their legs. Her knack for espionage was handed down to her daughter, Eliza Manningham-Buller, who has been director-general of the Security Service since 2002.