A Confederacy of Dunces

Or

The Oldest Living Confederate Widow Sells Soul
Gold-digger Alberta Martin, the last widow of a Confederate soldier, has died at the age of 97. A 21-year-old widow with a son she was struggling to raise, she married then-81-year-old William Jasper Martin in 1927. The South did rise again, and 10 months later, they had a son. The old soldier faded away in 1931, and 2 months later, Martin secured an even larger portion of the inheritance by marrying his grandson, creating a family bonsai tree. Ms. Martin was living in poverty and obscurity until 1996, when she was discovered by the Sons of Confederate Veterans, who appealed to the Alabama Senate to secure her a Confederate widow’s pension. Always willing to live in the past, the Senate happily obliged.

Saturday Night Massacre

Or

Watergate Down
Saturday witnessed the death of two central figures in the Watergate aftermath. Archibald Cox, who had been appointed as the lead special prosecutor of the Republican break-in at the Watergate Hotel, and did his job just a little too well, died at the age of 92. Cox had demanded tape recordings made at the White House, and President Nixon had demanded he give up his demands. Cox didn’t, so Nixon ordered him fired. The Attorney General and Deputy Attorney General both resigned rather than comply, but Solicitor Robert Bork kicked him to the curb. The departures were dubbed the Saturday Night Massacre, and the public outcry contributed to Nixon’s eventual resignation. Also deleted from the eternal transcript was Sam Dash, the chief counsel of the Senate Select Committee on Watergate, best known for his televised interrogations into the secret White House recording system.

Fiat Accompli

Umberto Agnelli, chairman of oft-troubled Italian carmaker Fiat, died last week as his physician was unable to head his pleas of “Fix it again, Tony.” Taking over the company after his brother’s death 15 months ago, Agnelli had led a turnaround and significantly improved the company’s finances. Unfortunately, their cars are still worthless piles of foreign crap.

Down the Drain

You’ve never heard of him, but you’ve heard his lasting legacy, one of the most familiar ad jingles of all-time. Tom Fouts, aka Captain Stubby, who died at the age of 86, was a humorist, broadcaster, bandleader and radio commercial writer in the Midwest and later New York, when he stumbled upon the simple brilliance of "Roto-Rooter, that's the name and away go troubles down the drain," which has been used by Roto-Rooter for 50 years.

No More Soap Scum

Or
A Death in the Family
Samuel Johnson, the great-grandson of the founder of SC Johnson, used to wax poetic, but no more. He passed away this weekend at 76. He took a wax company that started as a parquet floor business and built it into four global companies employing over 28,000 people and with worldwide brand recognition. You probably used at least one of this company’s products recently: Fantastik, Drano, Off, Raid, Pledge, Edge, Glade, Ziploc, Shout, Saran, Windex, Scrubbing Bubbles… The company's brands were well-known and at the forefront of American life. Mr. Johnson, the marketing brains behind the brand image, died of stomach cancer, which brings to mind a great product placement in “The Naked Gun”: “It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
(Props to Monty)

Babylon Deep Six

Richard Biggs, known for playing Dr. Stephen Franklin in "Babylon 5" and Dr. Marcus Hunter on "Days of Our Lives," where he won a Soap Opera Digest Award as Best Supporting Actor, could not heal himself and died at the age of 44. Having lost his hearing as a child, he was active in raising money for hearing impaired children.

Signing Off

or
Voice, Over
Gene Wood, that irrepressible voice-man who was for years identified with "The Family Feud," has announced his permanent retirement by dying of cancer at age 78. The smooth baritone announced for "Beat the Clock," "Tattletales," "Win, Lose or Draw," and "Cardsharks," to name a few. He was occasionally seen on camera, but did his best work behind the microphone. Gene Wood was a Mark Goodson/Bill Todman production.
(Props to Monty)

SABR Rattled

Doug Pappas, one of the leading writers about the business of baseball, has died at the age of 43. An attorney by trade, Pappas was a regular contributor to Baseball Prospectus, was chairman of the Society for American Baseball Research's Business of Baseball committee and maintained a personal weblog covering the business of baseball weblog. ESPN’s baseball writers Jayson Stark and Rob Neyer had long known of Pappas’ passion, and had frequently cited his research in their columns.

(Props to Don for bringing this to my attention.)

The Latest Stiffs

Once again, on temporary assignment, it's Monty with an update on the Dead Pool.

Fossilized

or
Hoff in Coffin
(props to Chris for the header)
Syd Hoff, author of "Danny and the Dinosaur," is finally extinct at age 91. Just to show how many epochs he spanned, he was originally hired by William Randolph Hearst. He penned numerous cartoons for the New Yorker from 1931 to 1975, but was widely acclaimed for his books in which a museum dinosaur comes to life and spends the day with a boy in New York City. One of his lesser-known titles was "Danny and the Dinosaur go Wilding in Times Square."

The Weight is Over
(props to Chris)

or
How Grey Is My Valley

or
The Last Hurrah
Joan Boniface Winnifrith, more commonly known as Anna Lee, has passed away at her home at the age of 91. Lee, who appeared in "How Green Was My Valley" with that Kevin Bacon of his day, Roddy McDowall, was probably best known for her portrayal of Lila Quartermaine on ABC's "General Hospital." Her credits are too numerous to mention, but they run the gamut, from "The Sound of Music" to "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" to "B.J. and the Bear." Most interestingly, she was the goddaughter of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Holy Roller Crossed Off
(props to Chris)
Dan Allen, 48, former football coach for the likes of Holy Cross and Boston University, passed away from the effects of multiple chemical sensitivity. His success at BU - earning the team an unparalleled record of 11-0 in 1993 - can entirely be attributed to Rob Dougherty.

Six Feet Unger
(props to Chris)
Tony Randall, best known for his portrayal of the pre-metrosexual Felix Unger of "The Odd Couple," has passed away at age 84. His publicist said that Mr. Randall passed away on Monday "after battling with a long-term illness." Yeah. Old age. It must have been hell playing with his two children, ages 5 and 7. LOOK OUT, LARRY KING! The cold, bony hand of Death is reaching for you next!

Stats update: Joe gets his Tony and now leaps to a tie for third.

Keep On Truckin’

or
FedEx Freight Wet
The founder of American Freightways, F. Sheridan Garrison, has made his final delivery. He was found dead at a pond in Arkansas on Tuesday, at the age of 69, apparently a victim of his fishing boat capsizing. Garrison suffered from Parkinson’s disease. He founded the billion-dollar company only 20 years ago as a regional start-up. FedEx purchased the company and its 16,000 employees in 2000 for $1.2 billion, naming it FedEx Freight East. Evidently, this put the Garrison family in the Top 10 of Arkansas Business’ list of Wealthiest Arkansans in July 2000. Feel free to put your own Ozark-based joke here.
(Props to Monty)

Soylent Green is Made of Him

Lincoln Kilpatrick, an actor best known as Matt Houston’s friend on the police force in the mid-80s ABC series, has taken the conveyor belt to oblivion. Other roles included a season co-starring on Leslie Uggams variety show, and the Rev. Deal on the Tim Reid sitcom Frank’s Place. He was the preacher to whom Charlton Heston made the revelation, “It’s People, Soylent Green is Made of Peeeeeeeople.” in Soylent Green. Soylent Green was Kilpatrick’s second serving of ham, having co-starred with Heston in The Omega Man as well.

Drug-Induced Death

or
Unchained Malady
Jack Eckerd, the founder of the chain drugstore bearing his name, died last Wednesday at age 91. He took a chain of 3 stores in Florida in 1952, turning them into 465 Eckerd’s stores in 10 states with 12,000 employees in the next 20 years. Evidently, Floridians appreciated his business, but not his politics, as he had two failed runs for governor and one failed run for U.S. Senator in that state. In 1996, J.C. Penney bought the chain; in February, a deal was finalized wherein CVS would take over the now 2,600-store chain.
(Props to Monty)

Gill-T as Charged

Or
Booped Out
Gilbert “Gill” T. Fox, a Pulitzer Prize nominated cartoonist best known for his work on Betty Boop, sketched his last frame in Redding, CT last week. He was 88. His work spanned from WWII publications in which he worked on “Bernie Blood” and “Dogface” to the more familiar “Hi and Lois” comic strip.
(Props to Monty)

May Tomorrow be a Judgment Day

or
Enough with the Family, Already!
Olive Osmond, the matriarch of the famed Osmond family, passed away, appropriately enough, on Mother's Day at her home in Utah at the age of 79. The devout Mormon spawned the likes of Virl, Tom, Alan, Wayne, Merrill, Jay, Donnie, Marie, and Jimmy. Thanks to her, I still get "A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock and Roll" stuck in my head from time to time. Thanks, Olive. She is survived by her husband, nine children, 55 grandchildren, and 22 great-grandchildren. I'm not making this up, you know.
(Props to Monty)

The King and Asystole

or
Memories of Me

or
Bye, Bye Braverman

or
The King is Dead

or
Roasted
(props to the absentee Chris for the header)
Alan King, the comedian who made a stand-up career out of complaining about everyday life, ironically can't comment on his latest experience. King passed away on Saturday from lung cancer at the age of 76. King, who began on the Catskill comedy circuit, successfully built a career that included acting, producing, directing, and writing, but thanks to Comedy Central he was most widely and recently known as the Abbott of the Friars Club. Still, I'll always remember him from the Courtroom Waller scene from "Memories of Me."
(Props to Monty)

Curses, Foiled Again

Darrell Johnson, who perpetuated the Curse of the Bambino by blowing the 1975 World Series and then by getting fired, leading to the hiring of Don Zimmer, who then blew the 1978 season, died at the age of 75. Johnson also started the losing tradition in Seattle as the first manager in Mariners history.

Last Exit

Hubert Selby Jr., the author who eschewed pesky literary notions such as plot and punctuation in such novels as Last Exit to Brooklyn and Requiem for a Dream, has made his own ultimate egress at the age of 75. Lacking formal training, Selby wrote Exit to Brooklyn, a novel so darkly depressing that it was banned as obscene in England and parts of the United States, and was hailed as a brilliant exercise no one would want to read.