Begin the unsanguine

Artie Shaw, one of the last stars of the Big Band era, has died at the age of 94. A clarinetist, Shaw rivaled Benny Goodman for the title of the King of Swing, and as a bandleader, his recording of Begin the Beguine was one of the best known of the Big Band era. The clarinet he played on that recording hangs in the Smithsonian with Dizzy Gillespie’s trumpet and Ella Fitzgerald’s red dress. He walked away from music at the height of his career in the 1950s, and wrote a few novels and did some cameo work, probably to screw his 7 ex-wives out of alimony. Among those he loved and left were the pin-up actresses Ava Gardner and Lana Turner. He finally found the secret to marital success with wife No. 8 Evelyn Keyes, the middle of the O’Hara sisters from Gone with the Wind, by largely staying away from her.

The two who expected Artie to toot his last were Monty’s Mortuary and Kirsti the “Angel of Death,” who take 10 points each to move into first. In condensing from 2 lists last year to 1 this year, Michelle chose poorly and left Artie off, so please feel free to point at her and laugh when you see her. A much better start than last year, when we were without a second hit until Jan. 27.

The new leaderboard:
1st Monty’s Mortuary (1 hit, 10 points)
(tie) Kirsti (1 hit, 10 points)
3rd Mike (1 hit, 6.6666667)
(tie) Tom – Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven’s Door (1 hit, 6.6666667)
(tie) Me – Death be Not Proud (1 hit, 6.6666667)

Cops and Writers

He got it in the end

Or
He has the right to remain silent
(Props for Monty)

Or
Nobody takes Baby’s daddy to the coroner
(Props to Don)
Jerry Orbach, whose sardonic witty one-liners over the body of a newly discovered murder victim led into the title sequence for Law & Order for 12 years, died of prostate cancer yesterday at the age of 69. Jaded Det. Lenny Briscoe, was the longest-serving primary cast member in the revolving door of the Law & Order franchise, and even after announcing his cancer diagnosis, had started filming for another spin-off that was to debut next year. Prior to his time as Orbach had taken a shot at series TV in The Law and Harry McGraw as sad-sack detective friend of Jessica Fletcher, and had notable film roles as protective papa Jake Houseman in Dirty Dancing and caroling candelabra Lumiere in Beauty and the Beast. With a world-weary face and street-smart tough guy demeanor, Orbach spent most of his career either as a cop or a crimelord, with notable turns in Toy Soldiers, F/X and Out for Justice. However Orbach started his career as a song-and-dance man on Broadway, turning in starring performances in "Carnival," "42nd Street" and as part of the original off-off-Broadway cast of the Fantasticks. He won Tony nominations as the original Billy Flynn in “Chicago” and for “Guys and Dolls,” while scoring his lone win for “Promises, Promises.”

Some selected Lenny one-liners:
After discovering a new pack of cigarettes on a body: "That’s one way to quit."

After finding a receipt for dinner on a body: "Dinner for two? Hope he enjoyed it."

About an inept, but innocent suspect: "I believe on a good day he couldn't hit his ass with both hands."

After a suspect asked if he was kidding: “If I was kiddin' you, I'd be wearin' a fez and no pants.”

Helping a witness with a statement: “You mean how you only killed him because he wouldn't give you his watch? Yeah, put that in there, the D.A. would really like that.”

After a suspect kills himself: “I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker's that mean that they watch you commit suicide.”

Death Kit – self assembly required
(More props to Monty)
Susan Sontag, producer of self-indulgent overrated crap, died at the age of 71. She helped usher in the decades of cheese, with her essay Notes on Camp, and won the National Book Award for her novel The Volcano Lovers. Earlier works like Death Kit and On Photography got the above review from noted literary critic Crash Davis. She liked to stick it to the man at every opportunity, supporting Salman Rushdie after the Satanic Verses, arguing that the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks were not cowardly, and telling the assembly at the Writers for Writers Award dinner that there were too many writers producing too much bad writing.