Honored Brit, Feminist Snit, Barbecue Pit, Musical Bit, Single Hit

End of the Run of the Mills

Or
The Parent Death Trap

Or
Death Has No Sex
British actor Sir John Mills, whose screen career
spanned more than 50 years and 100 films, has died at
the age of 97. One of Britain’s most prolific and most
beloved actors for his touching performances of lads
next door gone off to war in quintessential British
war films such as Above Us the Waves, Morning
Departure, Ice Cold in Alex, Oh What a Lovely War, and
Tunes of Glory, Mills’s passing drew the sympathies of
Buckingham Palace and Prime Minister Tony Blair. Best
known as the father on Swiss Family Robinson, Mills
also appeared in Gandhi, two versions of Around the
World in 80 Days, was the screen’s best Pip in 1946’s
Great Expectations and won the 1971 Best Supporting
Actor Oscar for Ryan’s Daughter. He’s also known as
the pater familias of Disney staple Hayley Mills, and
the two appeared together in several films, including
The Parent Trap.

Monty leapfrogs Mark (no mean feat in and of itself)
and takes 2nd with his 4th hit of the year, while
Mark’s Angels with Wrinkled Faces and Steve @ the
Movies join the 5-way logjam at 14th. More notable is
the plight of Michelle, who had John Mills on her
list last year, but not this, adding him to Philip
Johnson, Max Schmeling and Artie Shaw on a list that
would be in 2nd place with 4 hits and 33.8888889
points.

Also of note, Don and Tammy are closing in
on the all-time record for mortuary moratoriums, with
16 months, 23 days of somewhat active participation
without a hit, just 2 months, 3 days shy of Joan-Marie’s record.

The Leaderboard
1st Kirsti - 2003 Champion _____5 hits, 37.0833333 points
2nd Monty's Mortuary ________4 hits, 22.5 points
3rd Mark - The Random Undead _3 hits, 23.75 points
4th Jennifer _______________3 hits, 10.4166667 points
5th Me - Save Boo Ferriss ______2 hits, 22.5 points

In other news…
It’s all Digging and No Giving 'cause Ms. Dworkin has Stopped Living

Or
It’s not Dworkin Out

Or
Dworkin the Graveyard Shift
(Props to Monty for the latter two)
Raging feminist and general wet blanket Andrea Dworkin
died a couple weeks ago, but as a final insult, I held
off sending an update until some men died to make it
worth my time. Dworkin championed many issues, but her
money shot was at pornography, which she viewed as a
violation of women’s civil rights. Dworkin was in her
glory hole in testifying before Congress about the
evils of pornography, drawing the scorn of pool boys,
copier repairmen, couriers and naughty, naughty nurses
everywhere.

George Mulchin’
George Molchan, who spent three decades behind the
wheel of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile as the company
mascot, has died at the age of 82. Working as a
bookkeeper for Pepsi-Cola in the 1950s, Molchan
mustard up the courage to try out for the role of
Little Oscar, the company’s diminutive mascot. Molchan
relished his years as the nation’s biggest weiner
wonk, and spent his years at parades and supermarket
openings grinning like the catsup that swallowed the
canary. Molchan’s funeral earned a visit from the
Weinermobile, and mourners offered their condiments
while presenting a send-off complete with hot-dog
shaped Weinerwhistles and a stirring rendition of "I
wish I was an Oscar Mayer weiner."

Absence of Melis
Next time you find yourself wincing during the painful
banter between Jay Leno and Kevin Eubanks, first,
smack yourself for watching Leno, then curse Jose
Melis and Jack Paar for starting the tradition. Melis,
a classically trained Cuban pianist who studied at
Julliard before slumming on the idiot box with Jack
Paar, died this month at the age of 85. Paar met Melis
when the two were serving in the Army, and they became
fast friends. Paar brought Melis along as musical
director for the many variety shows he hosted that
eventually culminated with the Tonight show. In this
role, Melis appeared often on screen, bantering with
Paar and carving out the patterns for a half century
of time-wasting minutes between talk-show hosts and
music monkeys.

Johnny in the Grave (with lillies)
John Fred Gourrier, best known for his 1960s hit "Judy
in Disguise (With Glasses)" has died at the age of 63
after a long illness. The song by John Fred and the
Playboy Band, a parody of the Beatles’ hit Lucy in the
Sky with Diamonds, hit No. 1 in 1967, knocking another
Beatles song, Hello Goodbye, and staying atop the
charts for two weeks.

Starry, Starry Plight

Fallen Starr
(Shout out to Greg for sharing my epitaphany)

Or
Dale’s dead? I didn’t even know she was Messick
Dale Messick, creator of one of the long-lasting, most pointless comic strips to waste valuable broadsheet space has died at the age of 98. Starting in 1940, Brenda Starr, Reporter was the best dressed, sassiest member of the newsroom at The Flash, and both the character and creator broke barriers in the previously all male world of the funnies. During its peak in the 1950s it wasted pulp in 250 newspapers. Brenda was pursued for three decades by Basil St. John, who wore an eyepatch and had a mysterious illness that could only be treated by a serum taken from black orchids in the Amazon jungle, which he often left Brenda to pursue, leaving the red-haired beauty to fend off many suitors. When they married in the 1970s, Gerald Ford sent congratulations. Then fell down. Dale retired from the strip in 1985, and was critical of the direction it took since then. She also derided the multiple film versions, especially the flop with Brooke Shields and Timothy Dalton that sat ignored on a shelf for six years before being released in 1992. In 1997, she received a lifetime achievement award from the National Cartoonist Society, and continued with a single-panel strip called Granny Glamour until she turned 92.

Greg is the only one who gets off on 98-year-old ex-strippers, and his Team Quincy moves into 6th place, a scant 1.25 points off the leaderboard.
The leaderboard:
1st Kirsti - 2003 Champion 5 hits, 37.0833333 points
2nd Mark - The Random Undead 3 hits, 23.75 points
3rd Monty's Mortuary 3 hits, 15.8333333 points
4th Jennifer - 3 hits, 10.4166667 points
5th Me – Save Boo Ferriss 2 hits, 22.5 points

Elsewhere on the ethereal plane
Not so Hotsy
Debralee Scott, best known as the most ironically named Sweathog - Rosalie “Hotsy” Totsy - on Welcome Back, Kotter, has died at the age of 52. She also played the abducted and eventually murdered girl at the center of Dirty Harry, was the wife of a cadet, then a cadet herself in the Police Academy series, played Cathy Shumway on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, was one of the substitute panelists on Match Game and was impaled with a megaphone by Tab Hunter in Pandemonium.

The Prince and the Pisher

Hearseog

Or
The Adventures of Augie Funeral March

Or (The Monty act)
Saul Whimper

Or (In the Michelle portion of the program)
Henderson the Remains King

Or
Dangling Dead Man

Or
Pall Bellow
Saul Bellow, one of the most honored authors in American history, has died at the age of 89. Alternately praised as one of the greatest novelists of the 20th century or criticized for writing "a travelogue for the timid mind," Bellow instilled his intellectual curiousity and insight, wry and sometimes dark humor and Midwestern sensibility in his characters. Bellow is the only author to have won the National Book Award three times, in 1954 for "The Adventures of Augie March," in 1965 for "Herzog" and in 1971 for "Mr. Sammler's Planet." In 1976, he won the Pulitzer Prize, for "Humboldt's Gift," as well as the Nobel Prize in literature. He continued producing novels (and children – he leaves behind a 5-year-old daughter) through the end of his life and since 1993, he had taught a literature course at Boston University. This has been a rough month for Boston University, who lost former first lady Kathryn Silber and Dean ad nauseum George Mackechnie, who had been affiliated with the school since 1929, in March.

But it’s a good month for a certain BU alum, who notches a solo hit with his Save Boo Ferriss team to briefly climb into 4th place. For once, I’m glad I read the alumni mag.

The Grimaldi Reaper
His Most Serene Highness Prince Rainier III is a little more serene today, finally succumbing to nearly a decade of lingering health problems at the age of 81. Under his reign, Monaco emerged from a collection of goatherds to become the world’s most glamorous open-air tax shelter, highlighted by Monte Carlo - the Reno of the Mediterranean. After years as a playboy, Rainier engineered the greatest travelogue ever with his storybook wedding to actress Grace Kelly. Since her death in 1982, he has remained single, which has enriched his mystique and standing among his people. The Prince had the second longest current reign among monarchs, and the second-longest reign in the history of Monaco. With Rainier’s death, his son Albert takes the throne, giving Monaco Prince Albert in a can. There has been some concern about succession, as the 49-year-old Albert remains a bachelor. The official line is that he is waiting to find his own Grace, although there is speculation he’s more of a Will man.

Three of us expected the reign to be coming down – Jennifer jumps into 4th, while my Better Dead than Red State and Arlene (with her first career hit) join the 3-way tie for 13th. Shawn could have taken 4th, but he said goodbye, sweet prince after the 2003 GHI, a year in which Rainier made 5 separate trips to the hospital. For the record, this is the 11th hit of the year, putting us 4 months ahead of last year’s pace, when there were a total of 14 hits.

The revised leaderboard:
1st Kirsti - 2003 Champion111111111115 hits, 37.0833333 points
2nd Mark - The Random Undead1111113 hits, 23.75points
3rd Monty's Mortuary1111111111111113 hits, 15.8333333 points
4th Jennifer11111111111111111111111113 hits, 10.4166667 points
5th Me – Save Boo Ferriss1111111111112 hits, 22.5 points

Vatican Vacancy

Or
Better prelate than never

Or
Amen to That

Or
Holy See You Later

Or
End of Rope for Pope
(Kudos to Dead Pool observer Jon)

Or
The Emissary's new robe
(Courtesy of Michelle)

Or
Pole’s Vault
(Props to Mark)

Or
Recalled to the Head Office
(Also snaps to Mark)
Bang! Bang! Camerlengo’s silver hammer came down upon his head
Clang! Clang! Camerlengo’s silver hammer made sure that he was dead

With that dignified ceremony, Pope John Paul II’s death was confirmed at the age of 84. The jet setting pontiff spread his message across 120 countries during his 27 years, and spent about 10% of his papacy outside the Vatican, including a trip to his native Poland to celebrate Mass with 1 million people. His support of the Solidarity movement was credited with helping bring a bloodless end to communist rule. In recent years, the teflon pontiff increasingly seemed like the untouchable leader of the gang that couldn’t pray straight, as the world’s favorite anachronism consistently came down with decisions out of step with the rest of the world, including many members of the Catholic Church. John Paul II had a back to basics approach that taught that God loves all His children. Unless they are gay. Or are women, who He loves a little less, so they are not entitled to equal pay to men or equal positions within the church and besides, women’s equality tears down the family and makes gay marriage acceptable. The Catholic Church also came down harder on The Da Vinci Code than it did the ethnic cleansing massacres in Africa and has more objections to consensual sex between adults than it did the sex scandals that have rocked the church in the United States, Ireland, Australia, Austria and the Phillipines. Meat on Friday? You will burn in hell. Sex with altar boys? Here’s your relocation orders. But with his strong faith and personal charm, JPII was able to stay above the fray, with millions feeling a personal connection after seeing him ride past in the Popemobile.

Sixteen of us were more interested in winning than eternal salvation and took one small step toward victory. Kirsti notched her 5th hit to continue running away with 1st, Mark’s Random Undead notched its third hit in 2 weeks to climb into 2nd. Tom’s - Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven's Door and my Death Be Not Proud climb into 4th, my Youth in Asia moves into 7th, Jennifer and Steve are in 8th, Greg’s Team Matlock and Team Quincy, Michelle, Dawn’s Going, going, gone, Paul’s Just a bunch of stiffs and Put a fork in them they’re done, Jenni “Cold Hands, Lukewarm Heart,” and James round out the scorers in 17th place. Warren avoided his first hit of the year and Monty lost ground on Kirsti by dropping the pontiff after last year.

The leaderboard:
1st Kirsti - 2003 Champion
11115 hits, 37.0833333 points
2nd Mark - The Random Undead
11113 hits, 23.75 points
3rd Monty's Mortuary
11113 hits, 15.8333333 points
4th Tom - Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven's Door
11112 hits, 7.9166667 points
(tie) Me - Death Be Not Proud
11112 hits, 7.9166667 points

Plucker, PM, and Prisoner

With all the death watches going on, I was remiss in overlooking the overtaking of former British Prime Minister James Callaghan by the Grim Reaper. The headline and obit are courtesy of the lone Pooligan to notch the hit, Mark, who moves into third place.

Past His Prime Minister
James Callaghan, former British Prime Minister and last Labor PM before Tony Blair, died on March 26th at the age of 92. He is the only person to hold the posts of PM, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Home Secretary, and Foreign Secretary (though, as you can imagine, not at the same time).

Holding the PM's office from 1976 to 1979, he got to share Jimmy Carter’s good fortune in governing during a time of economic crisis and party divisions. He is also remembered for his 1969 decision to send the army into Northern Ireland to protect Catholics from Protestant mobs. He did so warning, "I can send the army in, but I'll have the devil of a time getting them out again."

The British Army is, of course, still stationed in Northern Ireland.

The revised leaderboard:
1st Kirsti - 2003 Champion
111114 hits, 35.8333333 points
2nd Monty's Mortuary
111113 hits, 15.8333333 points
3rd Mark - The Random Undead
111112 hits, 22.5 points
4th Shawn - Team Two
111112 hits, 5.8333333 points
5th Shawn - Team One
111111 hit, 20 points
(tie) Keith -The Nine Old Men (and One Old Woman)
111111 hit, 20 points

In other related news,
It takes a tough man to make a tender corpse

Or
Plucked
(Kudos to Monty)

Or
It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, but it doesn't take much to off an 84-year-old geezer
(Also Monty)
Chickens everywhere rejoice as Col. Sanders wingman Frank Perdue has died at the age of 84. Egged on by the success of other poultry providers, Perdue became the first to market direct to consumers. Tired of being cooped up in his office, he became a household name by starring in his own commercials, as the tough man who raised tender chickens. Sales took flight, growing from $56 million in 1970 to $2.8 billion last year, helped by Perdue’s method of adding marigold petals to the chicken feed to give the birds a golden hue. Perdue didn’t treat his employees much better than his chickens, turning to a New York crime boss to suppress union activities and was fined for a report of workers developing carpal tunnel syndrome. When his son Jim took over in 1991, he pullet the company into the modern age and alae-d fears by introducing health centers at plants. Perdue gave generously to the community, and bought naming rights to the South Atlantic League ballpark housing the Salisbury, Maryland-based Delmarva Shorebirds, naming it for his father and company founder, Arthur W. Perdue.

Civil Warrior
Howell Heflin, the conservative Alabama Democratic senator who championed civil rights legislation, has died at the age of 83. A former judge, he served on the Judiciary and Ethics Committee and was described as the conscience of the Senate, and helped defeat Robert Bork’s nomination for the Supreme Court, calling him a strange individual. He was less successful in defeating Clarence Thomas’ nomination, calling his testimony full of "contradictions, lack of scholarship, lack of conviction and instability." He also led the investigation of the Keating Five, which severely rebuked fellow Democrat Alan Cranston.

From internment to interment

Or
Korematsu v. Death
(Props to Craig)
Fred Korematsu, who challenged the legality of the internment of 120,000 Japanese-Americans in government camps during World War II, has died at 86. Korematsu refused to report, was arrested and convicted of violating the order, a case that was ultimately appealed to the Supreme Court. In the exclamation point of one of the darkest periods in recent U.S. history, a period that would do well with further scrutiny given the current climate, Korematsu was denied the Hollywood ending when the Court upheld the conviction, in what is now viewed as one of the worst rulings in its history. The conviction was finally overturned almost 40 years later, and Korematsu worked to secure an apology and reparations for internment camp survivors and their families in 1988. His vindication was completed in 1998 when he was honored by President Clinton with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.