Hold the Lilies

Lorna Thayer, a fixture in every Jack Nicholson tribute montage, has died of Alzheimer’s disease at 85. In ‘Five Easy Pieces,' Nicholson’s pain in the ass patron Bobby Dupea has requested toast, which unfortunately, is not on the menu…

Dupea: “I'd like a plain omelet, no potatoes, tomatoes instead. A cup of coffee and toast.”

Waitress, pointing to his menu: “No substitutions.”

And so it goes as Nicholson tries to get around the “no substitutions” policy and creatively come up with a way to get a side order of wheat toast.

Waitress: “I don't make the rules.”

Dupea: “OK, I'll make it as easy for you as I can. I'd like an omelet, plain. And a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast. No mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.”

Waitress: “A No. 2, chicken sal sand. Hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee. Anything else?”

Dupea: “Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.”

Waitress: “You want me to hold the chicken, huh?”

Dupea: “I want you to hold it between your knees.”

Waitress, pointing to the right-to-serve sign: “Do you see that sign, sir? I guess you'll all have to leave. I'm not taking any more of your smartness and sarcasm.”

Dupea, having calmly put on his sunglasses and picked up his gloves: “Do you see this sign?”

In a sudden burst, he sweeps his arm across the table, sending the water glasses, silverware and menus flying.