Black Moses Parts the River Styx

Or
Got the Shaft

Or
Shafted
(An admittedly obvious epitaphany shared with Monty)

Or
Isaac Hayes Learns the Hard Way that Pig and Elephant DNA Just Don’t Splice

Or
One too many chocolate salty balls
(Props to Monty)
Soul legend Isaac Hayes has gone from playing funk to smelly funky, killed by his treadmill at age 65. Hayes added a deep bass and a flamboyant wardrobe to the blaxploitation era of the 1970s, as well as one of the eras great movie anthems – the theme song to Shaft: “Who’s a black private dick/Who’s a sex machine to all the chicks?/Shaft/John Shaft/He’s a complicated man/But no one understands him but his woman.” The theme won the Academy Award, suggesting either Oscar voters were hipper than was previously believed, or the old white dudes were really, really afraid. After disappearing from the scene for more than 20 years, Hayes found a new audience as South Park’s Chef, counseling the children on how to make love to a woman and extolling the virtues of his chocolate salty balls. Hayes left the show last year after deciding that while shows mocking Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam and Mormonism, were OK, his beloved Scientology was above such scorn. The George Harrison Invitational has decided to award points on this, even though Hayes’ thetan lives on. Other things you may not have known – he wrote the songs Soul Man and Hold On, I’m Coming; owned the American Basketball Association’s Memphis Sounds for a year before they were moved to become the Baltimore Hustlers/Claws team that never played a game, and starred in the Shaft-esque Truck Turner about a football player-turned-bounty hunter on the run from a hired assassin.