Piss Off

Or
I Kidney You Not
Willem J. Kolff, the MacGyver of Medicine and Originator of Inorganic Organs, has died at the age of 97. During World War II Kolff used sausage casings, orange juice cans and a washing machine to develop the first artificial kidney which evolved into the modern barbaric dialysis machines that will be replaced by pills according to Leonard McCoy, MD. In 1957, Kolff invented the first artificial heart, apparently made of less entertaining parts, which kept a dog alive for 90 minutes. After a few improvements, his model was implanted by Robert Jarvik into Barney Clark in 1982. He also invented the heart-lung machine that made open-heart surgery possible. During World War II, Kolff left his hospital which had was run by Nazi collaborators and set up shop at a rural hospital where he set up Europe’s first blood bank and hid more than 800 people from Nazi labor camps. Kolff’s dissatisfaction with God’s handiwork continued to his retirement, as he continued working on artificial eyes, ears and limbs until he retired in 1997, insisting that if “If a man can grow a heart, he can build one.”