Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan from class today. He’s dead. --- Epstein’s mother

Or
Up your nose with a rubber hose.... no really, it's for the embalming fluid
(Deranged props to Mike Mulcahy)

Or
Hogging the Casket, Signed, Epstein's Mother's Funeral Director
(Kudos to Monty)
Robert Hegyes, best remembered as one of Mr. Kotter’s Sweathogs, and more recently for opening the Walmart Garden Center in Iselin, NJ, has died of a heart attack triggered by discussions of merging his alma mater Rowan University (to which he had returned as “Artist-in-Residence”) with Rutgers-Camden at the age of 60. As Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein, the Sweathog voted Most Likely to Take a Life, Hegyes (pronounced Hedges, as in the things he trimmed in his last paying gig), brought a street hustler vibe, swagger and a sky-high Afro to “Welcome Back, Kotter.”