America's Coldest Teenager

(An epitaphany shared with the guy Phil stole it from)

Or

American LastStand

(Props to Phil)

Or

Last Train for Clarksville

(Kudos to Phil)

Or

The Ball Drops

(Cap tip to Monty)

Or

Deadeye Dick Clark

(Additional accolades for Phil)
Dick Clark, best remembered as executive producer of the most underappreciated action film of the 1980s – Remo Williams, the Adventure Begins – has died at the age of 82. At least his current host body did. With Clark’s death, it is generally believed that the New Year will not come, once again showing the wisdom of our Mayan forebears. A ubiquitous force of unthinking television, Clark’s appeal spanned the generations from showing the inanity of white kids dancing awkwardly through American Bandstand, to giving the middle aged and elderly a connection to people having actual fun on New Year’s Eve, with his annual moron- and confetti-infused specials complete with a dance party pre-recorded in August. A noted philanthropist, Clark was noted for giving B-, C- and D-list celebrities a way-station between appearances on The Love Boat and Fantasy Island as partners on the $10-, $25-, $64- and $100,000 Pyramids. The preternaturally youthful Clark hit the national stage with the initially Philadelphia-based American Bandstand and spent more than 30 years spinning records and sniffing Clearasil while generations of up-and-coming artists lip-synched their recently recorded sanitized rock and/or roll songs. The appearances inevitably gave huge bumps to the records, and the careers - more than two-thirds of the inductees in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame made their television debuts on American Bandstand. Among the other high-minded programming put out under the Clark brand with him listed as executive producer include TV’s Bloopers & Practical Jokes, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, Celebrity Boxing 2, Donny & Marie, Meet Hanson, The Making of a Hollywood Madam, and Animals are the Funniest People.