Beneath the Valley of the Dolls

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Thumbs Down

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The Balcony is Closed

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I Hated, Hated, Hated Writing this Obituary

Roger Ebert, the man responsible for the two greatest travesties in daytime television history, has died of cancer at the age of 70. Ebert helped create the Empress of the Universe by suggesting that then local host Oprah Winfrey could make a killing if she syndicated her show nationally. When Jerry Springer told him he was thinking of doing the same, Ebert did not kill him on the spot, unleashing two decades of belligerent trailer trash skanks and philandering illiterates whose calls even Maury Povich’s bookers wouldn’t return. Ebert also reviewed a few films, starting at The Chicago Sun-Times, earning a Pulitzer Prize in 1975 for criticism, employing a combination of encyclopedic film knowledge and withering sarcasm. Saying of the 1994 film North: “I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.” After Rob Schneider dismissed Los Angeles Times movie critic Patrick Goldstein’s harsh review of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo because Goldstein had never won the Pulitzer Prize, Ebert weighed in that having won a Pulitzer Prize, he was qualified to tell Schneider “Your movie sucks.” He later took his act to TV alongside rival columnist Gene Siskel from The Chicago Tribune, first at PBS’ Sneak Previews, then the syndicated At the Movies. Proving that those who can’t do criticize those who can, Ebert rolled up his sleeves and wrote the screenplay for sexploitationist director Russ Meyer’s execrable titty flicks Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens and Up!