Cold as the Other Side of the Pillow

(An epitaphany shared with Joe and Monty)

 

Or

Just Call Him Gopher, ‘Cause He’s in a Hole

 

Or

Boo? Yay!

 

Or

Stuart's Scotch-Irish Wake

(Props to Phil)

Somewhere Pookie, Ray-Ray, Nieesha and the rest of the congregation are mourning, as Stuart Scott, who helped to speed the downfall of SportsCenter by trying to convince America he was black, has died of cancer at the age of 49. Hired for the start of espn2, then the New Coke of the mothership in 1993, he was moved to the anchor’s desk on SportsCenter in what should be known as the Dread Scott Decision. His hip hop slang, catchphrases and easy rapport with Rich Eisen quickly found a non-discriminating audience. As his stature and his colleagues’ irritation with him grew, he spent more time on the road. On a trip to New York Jets mini-camp, he got hit in the face while attempted to catch a pass, leading to a detached retina, drooping eyelid and a 6-year contract offer from the Jets. In July 2014, he won the Jim Valvano Spirit Award, an award named for the former NC State basketball coach who caused a state school in a basketball-mad region to voluntarily put itself on probation because his team couldn’t read and were selling their game tickets and school-issued shoes on the side, but is a good guy because he got cancer and isn’t Dick Vitale. The award was presented at the ESPYs, which surprisingly two people on our list apparently still watch.