Veg Out

After 15 years in a vegetative state and a 5-year battle in the courts, Terry Schiavo, America’s favorite legal, moral and political football, has been granted the peace long denied her by self-serving lawmakers. While her parents saw hope in the face that launched a thousand living wills, numerous court-named clinicians had declared her vegetative state permanent, and her husband Michael, rather than taking the easy way out by conceding guardianship, endured unimaginable circumstances in order to honor her wishes. Wait, this just in, Congress has passed emergency legislation requiring Schiavo to resume breathing. In addition, citing their need to fill 24 hours a day, MSNBC, CNN, Fox News, ABC, CBS and NBC have filed lawsuits also demanding that Schiavo begin breathing again. In a related development, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush has called up the Florida National Guard to force her to resume breathing. Unfortunately, the Guard is currently stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan, so they are unavailable when they are needed at home.