Breast in Peace

Or
Twit Peaks

Or
Guess Not

Or
Texas Toast

Or
From Funbags to Bodybags
(Props to Don)

Or
The Decidence of Decadence
(Additional accolades for Don)

Or
Seminal Beginnings and Seminole Endings
(More merits for Don)
Anna Nicole Smith, the redneck, white trash, gold-digging, liver spot-loving, big-haired, boobie-baring, poodle-lugging, TrimSpa-hawking, classless, clueless, useless train wreck of a trailer park escapee has died at the age of 39. Well, most of her was 39, anyway. She started as a stripper, sent pics to Playboy and became 1993 Playmate of the Year, in 1994, she married J. Howard Marshall II, an 89-year-old billionaire she had known from her dancing days. Little more than a year later, the storybook romance was over with Marshall's death and she’s been battling for more than 10 years to get her clutches on the inheritance. Now the estates can battle it out with the two principles, Smith and Marshall’s son, having died. After his death, the bottle blonde with the comically large rack lived a tabloid-quality life, which E! thought would make good TV. They were wrong, but there’s two seasons worth of high-pitched, drug-addled, witlessness on DVD. She aimed to be her generation’s Marilyn Monroe but closer to being the next Mamie Van Doren, famous for being famous. And for her pair of pontoons. She fell so in love with being famous that she tried to get one of her lovers, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, to adopt her and make her a princess. Proceedings started, but the Prince’s wife, Zsa Zsa Gabor, apparently of the opinion that there were enough shiny useless things around the house, put a stop to it. Even in death, she just keeps creating headlines, as the identity of Smith’s baby daddy could be her former lawyer and sort-of-husband, if the exchanging of nipple rings on a catamaran in the Caribbean counts, Howard K. Stern; a former boyfriend, Larry Birkhead; the aforementioned Prince, and somehow least disturbingly, Howard Marshall, via his frozen sperm. Meanwhile, half the NBA is avoiding eye contact and talking about the weather when the subject comes up. Considering the events of the last few months: Smith gives birth in September, her adult son dies of an apparent overdose a day later, there are multiple claims of paternity, but a dogged resistance to having said paternity confirmed, then shortly before a court determination of whether to order a paternity test, Anna Nicole dies under questionable circumstances. In doing the math, the GHI is not sure that if a paternity test is obtained 1 and 1 are going to add up to 46 distinct chromosomes.

At least Smith’s death added up for Jenni, who scores a solo hit with a truly inspired pick – the first wild card selection ever to come in as part of the GHIDP and she moves into a third place tie.