Prophet Loss Statement

Or
Less Men
Gordon B. Hinckley, who helped spread the word of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints while concealing their image as a cult bent on world domination and fueled by drinking the blood of Christian babies, has died at the age of 97. As president and prophet of the most boring religious order on the planet, Hinckley expanded the number of church temples from 47 to 124 and visited 60 countries, but when you don’t drink, gamble, fool around, or even drink coffee, you need some way to fill the hours. Helped immensely by the emergence of Scientology as America’s fasting growing lunatic fringe religion, Hinckley’s subtle conspiracy has grown the church to 12 million, helped fix the results of the 2002 Winter Olympics and has a church member poised to finish second to a crazy old man in the Republican primaries. With Hinckley’s passing, Mitt Romney has announced his intention of taking over the church. No wait, he isn’t. Well, maybe he is.

My Gateman, Goodbury and Graves and Mark’s Nonagenarians Gone Wild split the hit and tie for 5th.