Goodbye, Mr. Chips

Or
The Chips are Down

Or
Boise-n-buried
J.R. Simplot, who made billions selling fries and chips, has died at the age of 99. A simple but successful potato farmer in Idaho, Simplot perfected the frozen French fry, at first as a means to send potatoes to American troops in World War II, but ultimately a major catalyst in the deaths of millions by the fast food industry. Simplot also may have been the only man ever to have been accused of manipulating Maine potato futures on the New York Mercantile Exchange, employing a man in a monkey suit to steal a crop futures report. Later, Simplot went from old economy to new economy as a major early shareholder of Micron Technology, the computer chip manufacturer based in Boise. By 2007, Simplot placed 89th on the Forbes list of America’s oligarchs, at $3.6 billion, and before dying, he was the oldest member of the list. In 2004, he donated his home to serve as the governor’s mansion, which is currently occupied by his former son-in-law, Butch Otter. Yes, a man named Butch runs a state.

Joe was the only Pooligan to expect J.R. to occupy a Simplot, and his Rookies Older than John Beck moves into 19th, but only briefly as…