Follow the Mortician

Or
Felt Down
(Kudos to Craig)

Or
Deep Sixed
(An epitaphany shared by Craig and Dawn)

Or
The W. Mark Felt Memorial Parking Garage is now open
(Can I get a whoop whoop for Craig?)

Or
Six Feet Deep Throat
(Greg, Monty and I, recycling Gerald Damiano)

Or
Six Feet Deep Throat 2: Throat Harder
(Greg, freshening said recycling)

Or
Garage Freak? Jesus, what kind of a crazy funeral is this?
(Surreal suggestion from Peter)

Or
Follow the hearse
(Another tip o’ the cap for Peter)

Or
Mark Felt Pretty Cold
(More congrats for Monty)
W. Mark Felt, the bitter FBI tattletale whose personal vendetta lost the war in Vietnam and caused the Cambodian genocide, has died at the age of 95, a mere 4 years after being named GHI Rookie of the Year. The number two man at the FBI, Felt was passed over by Richard Nixon to replace J. Edgar Hoover after his tragic girdle accident, sowing the seeds for his desire for vengeance. After the modern-day Apple Dumpling Gang botched the break-in at Democratic headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, Felt resisted the White House’s efforts to shut down the FBI investigation into this and a small litany of abuses of presidential power. The stoolie also fed info to Bob Woodward, the most important journalist in the history of the world(tm), and Carl Bernstein, the Art Garfunkel of the media elite. Dubbed Deep Throat by Woodward, who he’d met in a chance encounter at the White House when Woodward was in the Navy, the G-man forced him to take two cabs, then walk 4 blocks to a parking garage for rendezvouses he arranged by filling in Woodward’s morning crossword puzzle. Nixon was forced to resign in 1974, and with him left any hope of victory in Vietnam, and with the United States turning tale and running, the Khmer Rouge was free to control the population of Cambodia the old-fashioned way. Felt was more OK with illegal wire-tapping later, ordering break-ins and bugging of the homes of members of the early Barack Obama Political Action Committee, the Weather Underground, in the name of national security. But Ronald Reagan liked his moxie and, acknowledging the precedent, pardoned Felt in 1980. Other highlights of Felt’s career included time at the Federal Trade Commission investigating whether Red Cross toilet paper was defrauding people who thought it was affiliated with the American Red Cross and time as special agent in charge of the FBI office in subversive stronghold Salt Lake City. Woodward and Bernstein had vowed to take Felt’s identity to the grave if necessary, but Felt’s family, feeling a potential payday about to slip away, pushed the ailing agent into the public spotlight in 2005.

9 Pooligans Felt the time was nigh, but Dawn dumped him 19 days too early. Benefiting the most is Jon, who moves into second, while Jen, Michelle’s Political Suicide, Kirsti’s People Who Aren’t Renewing Their Magazine Subscriptions, Greg’s Team Quincy, Craig’s The Killer’s Greatest Hits, Vol 2., Shawn’s Team Oldest, my Ex-Parrots, and Mark’s Beltway Boneyard V: Code Blue State form one big dogpile at 10th, for a time, because then….