Dead People Are Funny

Or
Dead Linkletter Office

Or
Corpses Say the Deadest Things

Or
The Missing Linkletter

Or
Old People Do the Deadest Things

Or
House Departed
(Props to Don, currently in the hereafter)

Or
Epitaphs Say the Darndest Things
(All hail Monty)
Art Linkletter, who spent more time with children than anyone would currently feed comfortable with, has died at the age of 97. In programs like People are Funny and House Party, Linkletter built a career by ignoring the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 and by taking advantage of the fact that 95% of Americans are narcissist morons in search of an outlet to broadcast their inanity before comments sections became available on newspaper websites. Throughout his career Linkletter used his blandness to put people at ease, getting them to open up and say stupid things. This general unimpressiveness was especially effective in manipulating children to reveal embarrassing things mommy and daddy said but probably did not intend to get reprinted in any of the 15 Kids Say the Darndest Things that were once best sellers and are now available at any used book store or yard sale in America. After one boy revealed that his father was a policeman who arrested lots of burglars, Linkletter asked if his mother ever worried about the risks. “Naw, she thinks it’s great,” he answered. “He brings home rings and bracelets and jewelry almost every week.” Linkletter was also renowned for his 74-year marriage to wife Lois, but it was well known they were staying together for the kids, and had planned to divorce once they were all dead. They beat 3 out of 5. Among his other gigs, a deranged pedarest-esque evangelical layman setting up an orphan home in a ghost town in hostile Indian territory in an episode of Wagon Train; hosting the grand opening of Disneyland, for which he received the park’s camera and film concessions for 10 years.