A Pair to Remember

Or
Gentlemen Prefer Pulses
The two and only Jane Russell, vexer of censors and inspiration for single entendre movie taglines, has been betrayed by her chest, succumbing to a respiratory illness at the age of 89. Howard Hughes’ obsession with milk was never more useful than when he discovered Russell and her 38 Ds and cast her in the western The Outlaw, notable primarily for posters deemed to reveal too much of her talents, despite the movie being generally less scandalous than a Snickers commercial by modern standards. Censorship proved to be the mother of invention, and with cleavage being off limits, Hughes answered with amplitude, designing a cantilever bra to push Russell’s muscles into every scene. With a few notable movies on her resume, including Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Russell’s career mostly served as a punchline for costars like Bob Hope, who said that culture was the ability to describe Russell without moving your hands, movie posters, like The French Line: “Jane Russell in 3-D. It'll Knock both your eyes out!" and The Tall Men: “They Don't come ANY BIGGER," and cartographers, as evidenced by Alaska’s twin mountains named The Jane Russell Peaks.