Finally Stopped Hurting

George McGovern, the unabashed liberal so committed to raising the ceiling for minorities that he selected a vice presidential candidate from an insane asylum, has died at the age of 90. After Thomas Eagleton’s electroshock therapy for depression was revealed, he was dropped from the ticket, and McGovern cast about for a candidate. With most prominent Democrats correctly surmising that the VP slot that year had the career prospects of a Spinal Tap drummer, he was publicly rebuked five times before settling on Sargent Shriver. Not even McGovern telling a heckler to “kiss my ass” at a campaign event was enough to excite the populace to vote for a whiny liberal and the 7th-best candidate for vice president, and the ticket suffered what at the time was the second worst electoral defeat in history, 520-17. McGovern failed to even carry his home state of South Dakota. Luckily, Walter Mondale would come along to knock McGovern down to the bronze medal after his 1984 pasting, after which, Mondale asked, “When does it stop hurting?” to which McGovern said, “I’ll let you know when it does.”