A Little Spring De-Thatching

Or

Conservatively Cadaverous

(Props to Chris Nicholas)

Or

Ding, Dong! The Witch is Dead

(Additional accolades to Chris Nicholas, quoting the streets of London)

Or

Tramp The Dirt Down

Or

Labour’s Loathed Lost

Margaret Thatcher, the sex-starved boa constrictor of English politics who was once offered Jacques Chirac’s balls on a tray, has died at the age of 87. Like Ronald Reagan, her conservative partner in international crime during the 1980s, a long career of mental strain to elevate the Soviet Union into something more than an outdated, failing monolith and to convince herself that relentless oppression of the working class and tax cuts for those least in need of them was the best means to a healthy economy left her with significant dementia in her later years. Elected as a Member of Parliament in 1959 and elevated to a Cabinet post in 1970 where she took away free milk for school children, Thatcher would become the only woman Prime Minister in the history of the United Kingdom, and her tenure from 1979 to 1990 is the longest of any Prime Minister in the 20th century. After her election in 1979, she took on the struggling UK economy by emphasizing deregulation, privatizing state-owned companies and diminishing the power of the trade unions, resulting in worsening recession and high unemployment. To boost her popularity, she took on Argentina and held onto the Falkland Islands, earning her a second term in 1983. She fought efforts for Scotland and Wales to develop their own Parliaments and her battle with the miners union cost the UK £1.5 billion, tens of thousands of jobs and devastated communities. International highlights included not supporting efforts to isolate the South African government in order to end Apartheid while supporting the genocidal Khmer Rouge’s bid to hold its UN seat after it had been evicted from Cambodia. By 1990, her combative nature, the Conservative’s 18-month losing streak to Labour and the lack of a 3rd World Nation’s navy to destroy, Thatcher was forced to resign as PM.