Trouble-Free

Or

Long Walk Toward the Light

Or

Deep 466ed

Nelson Mandela, whose successful life and lack of recividism after a 27-year prison sentence show the efficacy of harsh sentencing, has died at the age of 95, creating a job for a schizophrenic sign language interpreter and giving Rick Santorum a forum to rail against the Affordable Care Act. Forced to give up his tribal name – Rolihlahla, Xhosa for Troublemaker – as a schoolboy, Mandela nonetheless lived up to it for the ruling white class. Arrested in the middle of a successful career as an African National Congress militant even Amnesty International wanted no part of, after several parole hearings, Mandela was finally granted his freedom in 1990 after telling the parole board that rehabilitation was just a bullshit word, and that they should stop wasting his time. Once released, Mandela served to help the black majority of South Africa notice they outnumbered their oppressors 10 to 1, and Apartheid ended. Elected president in the first democratic elections in South Africa in 1994, Mandela eschewed vengeance in favor of winning a rugby match to erase the country’s 200 years of racial segregation. Mandela further confounded expectations of an African head of state by not plundering the country’s riches for himself, by voluntarily ceding power after a single term in office, by actively taking steps to limit the spread of HIV on the continent, and by calling the Spice Girls his heroes. In his statesman years after leaving office, Mandela continued uniting the country, campaigning for South Africa to host the 2010 World Cup and by embracing the Redeker Plan in the face of a zombie apocalypse.