He don't get no respirations
Rodney Dangerfield, the last of the great one-flat-liner comedians, has found death’s sting at the age of 82. When he was born on Long Island in 1921, he was so ugly, the doctor slapped his mother. He had an unusual upbringing, with such bath toys as a toaster and a radio. His parents divorced when he was a child, and in the custody hearing, neither parent showed up. Just not the same without the bug eyes, red tie and too-tight collar, is it? Although he didn’t begin his comic career until age 42, Dangerfield was a force to be reckoned with on the stand-up circuit, layering self-deprecating humor to establish himself as the world’s most put-upon Everyman. He dabbled in movies, most successfully in Caddyshack and Back to School, most unfortunately in Ladybugs and Meet Wally Sparks. But the lasting image for most is of Dangerfield on the stage offering a highlight reel of his stand-up material - he made 70 appearances on the Tonight Show, made the famously stoic Ed Sullivan laugh while on his variety show and sealed his place with performances in the early years of Saturday Night Live. Dangerfield also helped establish the careers of such stand-ups as Jerry Seinfeld, Tim Allen, Jim Carrey, Roseanne and Sam Kinison at his New York comedy club. In 1995, Dangerfield applied for membership with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and was rejected. The rejection letter from Roddy McDowall - and can you imagine a more disparate pairing - said that Dangerfield had failed to execute "enough of the kinds of roles that allow a performer to demonstrate the mastery of his craft." Dangerfield published the letter on his website, and public outcry eventually forced the Academy to change its position and offer Dangerfield membership. He declined.
Without pretense of out Rodney-ing Rodney, a partial list of his one-liners is offered below. If you’re really lucky, Monty will offer his comedic readings.
"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."
"When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's."
"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."
"I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can't find him. I don't know what he looks like."
"I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised my rent."
"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
"Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom."
"My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!"
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
“I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.”
“During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”
“It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.”
“I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.”
“I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
“Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we'll ever find them?’ He said, ‘I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide.’”
“I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.”
“I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?’ He said ‘I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.’”
“With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, ‘How can I get my kite in the air?’ He told me to run off a cliff.”
“My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.”
“One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”
“I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.”
“I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.”
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”
“I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”
From Caddyshack:
“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
“Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.”
“Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.”
From Back to School:
"I wouldn't mess with Lou; he's the first member of his family to walk upright. "
And his final quip, regarding his latest surgery: "If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half."
Without pretense of out Rodney-ing Rodney, a partial list of his one-liners is offered below. If you’re really lucky, Monty will offer his comedic readings.
"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."
"When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's."
"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."
"I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can't find him. I don't know what he looks like."
"I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised my rent."
"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
"Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom."
"My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!"
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
“I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.”
“During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”
“It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.”
“I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.”
“I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
“Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we'll ever find them?’ He said, ‘I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide.’”
“I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.”
“I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?’ He said ‘I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.’”
“With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, ‘How can I get my kite in the air?’ He told me to run off a cliff.”
“My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.”
“One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”
“I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.”
“I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.”
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”
“I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”
From Caddyshack:
“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
“Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.”
“Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.”
From Back to School:
"I wouldn't mess with Lou; he's the first member of his family to walk upright. "
And his final quip, regarding his latest surgery: "If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half."
Labels: Comedian
posted by The Grim Reaper at 9:28 AM
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