The World’s Compost Authority

Irwin Corey, who was reportedly funny at some point, has died at the age of 102. As a stand-up comic, film actor and activist, Corey was renowned for his unscripted, improvisational style, which convinced Lenny Bruce that Corey was "one of the most brilliant comedians of all time.” It is worth noting that Bruce ingested enough drugs to kill a wildebeest. Corey’s best known shtick was his Professor character, wearing a black swallowtail coat, string tie and sneakers, which he also appeared to have used to comb his hair, and spouting long streams of nonsense and doublespeak. Offstage, the lefty supported Cubans, cop killer Mumia Abu-Jamal, and the American Communist Party. He was blacklisted in the 1950s and claimed that dogged the rest of his career. He appeared on Late Night with David Letterman in 1982 and never returned, which he attributed to the blacklist, which makes sense with the notoriously establishment-friendly Letterman. In 1974, Corey accepted the National Book Award on behalf of the publicity-averse Thomas Pynchon, with many thinking they were finally seeing the reclusive author, only to be confused by his mangled syntax and bad jokes. Perhaps his best bit came at the end of his life as he was living in a $3.5 million-dollar house in New York while panhandling for change from motorists exiting the Queens–Midtown Tunnel, then donating the change to charity.

Your Funeral of Funerals

(Props to Monty)

Howard Morris, the beloved redneck Ernest T. Bass from The Andy Griffith Show, has died at the age of 85. Morris started performing in World War II, where he was Carl Reiner’s sergeant, then became “the other guy” in the classic comic ensemble on Your Show of Shows with Reiner, Sid Caesar and Imogene Coca. Morris was also a prolific director, and helmed the pilot for Get Smart, a show created by Mel Brooks, who had been a writer for Morris on Your Show of Shows. Brooks also found work for him in History of the World, Part I, High Anxiety and Life Stinks. In a classic Twilight Zone episode, Morris plays a nebbish who, when given a choice of wishes by a genie, ultimately decides to become a genie himself. Morris’ high-pitched raspy voice was also a natural for cartoons, and he spent 40 years in the Hanna Barbera family as Atom Ant, Beetle Bailey and General Halftrack, Mr. Peebles on Magilla Gorilla, Jughead Jones, Professor Icenstein and Luigi La Bounci from Galaxy High School

He don't get no respirations

Rodney Dangerfield, the last of the great one-flat-liner comedians, has found death’s sting at the age of 82. When he was born on Long Island in 1921, he was so ugly, the doctor slapped his mother. He had an unusual upbringing, with such bath toys as a toaster and a radio. His parents divorced when he was a child, and in the custody hearing, neither parent showed up. Just not the same without the bug eyes, red tie and too-tight collar, is it? Although he didn’t begin his comic career until age 42, Dangerfield was a force to be reckoned with on the stand-up circuit, layering self-deprecating humor to establish himself as the world’s most put-upon Everyman. He dabbled in movies, most successfully in Caddyshack and Back to School, most unfortunately in Ladybugs and Meet Wally Sparks. But the lasting image for most is of Dangerfield on the stage offering a highlight reel of his stand-up material - he made 70 appearances on the Tonight Show, made the famously stoic Ed Sullivan laugh while on his variety show and sealed his place with performances in the early years of Saturday Night Live. Dangerfield also helped establish the careers of such stand-ups as Jerry Seinfeld, Tim Allen, Jim Carrey, Roseanne and Sam Kinison at his New York comedy club. In 1995, Dangerfield applied for membership with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and was rejected. The rejection letter from Roddy McDowall - and can you imagine a more disparate pairing - said that Dangerfield had failed to execute "enough of the kinds of roles that allow a performer to demonstrate the mastery of his craft." Dangerfield published the letter on his website, and public outcry eventually forced the Academy to change its position and offer Dangerfield membership. He declined.

Without pretense of out Rodney-ing Rodney, a partial list of his one-liners is offered below. If you’re really lucky, Monty will offer his comedic readings.

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

"When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can't find him. I don't know what he looks like."

"I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised my rent."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."

"Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom."

"My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!"

"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."

“I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.”

“During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”

“It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.”

“I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.”

“I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we'll ever find them?’ He said, ‘I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide.’”

“I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.”

“I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?’ He said ‘I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.’”

“With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, ‘How can I get my kite in the air?’ He told me to run off a cliff.”

“My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.”

“One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”

“I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.”

“I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”

“I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”

From Caddyshack:
“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

“Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.”

“Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.”

From Back to School:
"I wouldn't mess with Lou; he's the first member of his family to walk upright. "

And his final quip, regarding his latest surgery: "If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half."

He's a dead, dead, dead, dead man

Veteran comedian Buddy Hackett has taken his last encore, passing away yesterday at the age of 79. Perhaps best known for such films as It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, The Music Man and The Love Bug, the self-proclaimed "short, fat comic" performed his stand-up routine for more than 40 years after returning from service in WWII - going "blue" long before it was commonplace - and found new audiences with appearances on the Tonight Show and more recently The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. One of his last TV gigs was as a celebrity critic on Last Comic Standing, where he got to tell unfunny man Joe Rogan to shut the hell up. Vintage Hackett. A few of his favorite jokes are excerpted below.

During a visit to Jerusalem with Alan King, the city's mayor was leading a tour and exclaimed 'Isn’t it amazing what the Jews have built from nothing in the desert.’ Buddy responded, ‘You should see Las Vegas

There were two tailors, the Newman Brothers, Moe & Sam. Sam had perfect hearing, but he wore a hearing aid.
A woman would bring her son in & say"How much is that suit in the window?"
He'd say "I'll have to ask mine partner. MOE, HOW MUCH IS THE SUIT IN THE WINDOW?"
Moe would answer "Thirty-five dollars!"
Sam would say "It's 25 dollars!"
She'd say "We'll take it!"
They sold a lotta $15 suits that way.

Hackett was also apparently the source for a great urban legend about Neil Armstrong's comments on the moon. Armstrong himself said the first time he ever heard the joke was during a Hackett performance at a California night club.

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"