Will it Be Coffin #1, Coffin #2 or Coffin #3?

Or

The Cremating Game

Jim Lange, who as host of The Dating Game was one of the first to make sport of the humiliating, frustrating, and rarely joyful process of attempting to make a connection with another human being in an increasingly chaotic and fractured society for the pleasure of Middle Class America sitting on their couches and La-Z-Boy recliners ignoring the mates they accidentally knocked up in the back seat of their dad’s station wagon after the prom as they drink themselves into a stupor and await their massive strokes and the end of their meaningless existences has died of, fittingly enough, a heart attack. He was 81. 

Shouldn’t Have Crossed the Streams

Or

May His Ghost Never Be Busted

Or

Much Like Print, Harold Ramis is Dead.

Or

I Ain't Afraid of Being No Ghost!

(Meritorious mention of Mike L)

Or

Son of Bitch. Shit.

(An epithaphany shared by Greg and Monty)

Or

Crossin' the streams of the River Styx

(Props to Don)

Or

He Can Enjoy Print Now

(Kudos to Peter)

Collecting spores, mold and fungus will be a little easier for Harold Ramis, who has died of autoimmune inflammatory vasculitis at the age of 69. If a typical funny person is represented by a Twinkie, Harold Ramis would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. A Robert DeNiro-like devotee of his craft, for a 2-minute cameo in Groundhog Day, he gained more than 40 pounds. Ramis was the first head writer of SCTV, while also playing home dentist Mort Finkel, Officer Friendly, and board chairman Allan "Crazy Legs" Hirschman, before moving on to writing credits for National Lampoon’s Animal House, Stripes and Ghostbusters. He also directed Caddyshack, National Lampoon’s Vacation, and Groundhog Day, and in Analyze This, matched DeNiro up with Billy Crystal in an even funnier pairing than his collaboration with Robin Williams in Awakenings. Basically, if you have a pulse, you’ve recited a line Ramis wrote. The man was quoted more often than Winston Churchill. 

So Long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

(Kudos to Monty)

Or

How Do You Bury a Corpse Like Maria?

(More merit for Monty)

Maria Agatha Franziska Gobertina von Trapp, the last of those swinging Austrians who lit out steps ahead of the Nazis after refusing to play at Hitler’s birthday party, has died at the age of 99. The Von Trapp family’s adventures, chronicled by Maria’s stepmother, also Maria von Trapp, were the basis for The Sound of Music, the most tedious movie of all time and one of the worst live TV specials ever. The younger Maria was rechristened Louisa for the movie for clarity. The von Trapps traveled the world with their infernal racket before settling in Vermont, where they gave lessons and toured through 1955, when the world’s population had pretty much had enough. 

Howdie Deady

Mary Grace Canfield, unfortunately not the prettiest Ralph ever to appear on television, has died at the age of 89. Generally playing an unlucky in love spinster, Canfield is best remembered as Ralph Monroe, half of Hooterville’s inept brother-sister contractors Alf and Ralph on Green Acres. She also had a blind date with Gomer Pyle, as Thelma Lou’s plain cousin, on The Andy Griffith Show, and played Abner Kravitz’s sister as witness to the rites of the damned going on at the Stevens’ house on Bewitched after Alice Pearce, the first actress to play Abner’s wife Gladys, died. 

Back with the Angels

Jim F***ing Fregosi, who never should have put Mitch F***ing Williams in Game F***ing 6 of the F***ing 1993 World Series, has died following several strokes at the age of 71. The well regarded baseball genius had apparently forgotten that the clearly spent Williams had turned a 4-run 8^th inning lead in Game 4 into a 1-run deficit in a span of 6 batters. To his credit, Fregosi had guided a veteran bunch of oddballs into the World Series in one of the greatest, most entertaining, most improbable seasons in Phillies history. But still. What the f***? Not that I’m still bitter. He also was a 6-time All Star with the California Angels, who were able to dump him at the end of his career on the New York Mets, who were still looking for their first third baseman who didn’t look like an octopus folding a map in a hurricane, and were willing to give up an erratic right-hander who had gone a pedestrian 29-24 over parts of 4 seasons named Nolan Ryan.

The Waite is Over

Or

Goodnight, Pa

(Meritorious mention for Monty)

Ralph Waite, the only man who got bitch-slapped by Mary Bono more than Sonny, has died of old age at 85. Best remembered as John Walton Sr., harbinger of American values as patriarch of The Waltons, Waite parlayed that rep into more recent recurring TV stints as equally stolid characters like Jethro Gibbs’ father on NCIS and Booth’s grandfather on Bones, and guest spots on many others. His bedrock American values didn’t resonate with godless free-spending Democrats, as he lost a bid for Congress in 1990, then after Sonny Bono’s death, Waite sought his seat in a special election and then the general election, both in 1998, losing handily to Bono’s widow in both elections. 

We Come to Bury Caesar

(Props to Joe)

Or

Great Caesar’s Ghost

 

Or

Your Corpse of Corpses

(Props to Monty)

 

Or

No Show of Shows

(Cheers  for Don)

 

Or

Caes and Desist

Sid Caesar, best remembered as Prince Sergei Polansky from a 1982 episode of Matt Houston, has died at the age of 91. One of the medium’s first stars, Caesar helped pioneer television comedy with Your Show of Shows, a live 90-minute show emphasizing sketches based on characters and situations, rather than slapstick. Renowned as one of the greatest sketch comedy performers in history, Caesar was adept at pantomime, word play, nonsensical double talk, mimicking the cadences and sounds of languages he didn’t speak and improve. He also had the good sense to surround himself with all-star teams on camera (Howard Morris, Imogene Coca and Carl Reiner) and in the writer’s room (Mel Brooks and Neil Simon) to create a TV juggernaut. Before there was Must See TV, Your Show of Shows kept people home on Saturday nights, with Broadway theater owners at one point asking NBC to move the show to midweek as it was killing Saturday night ticket sales. In 1954, Caesar continued the formula with Caesar’s Hour, adding eventual MASH creator Larry Gelbart to the writing team. Caesar had the reputation of being America’s strongest comedian in every sense of the word, once dangling Brooks out of an 18^th story window during a writing session, and punching out a horse that had thrown his wife, a scene later immortalized in Brooks’ Blazing Saddles. Having dominated television for 7 years by combining his talent with an insane work ethic, Caesar disappeared into alcohol, pills and unfathomable self doubt, while the exploits, successes and appreciation of those he had influenced and suckled elevated him to genius. Then he returned as a legend in occasional performances like Lou Bundles, the man with the magic cards on Amazing Stories, and to collect lifetime achievement awards.

Last Stop for the Good Ship Lollipop

Or

Temple of Doom

 

Or

Black Out

 

Or

Last Stop for Curly Top

(Kudos to Kirsti)

 

Or

Shirley You Can't Be Serious

(Additional accolades for Kirsti)

 

Or

Head Redhead Dead

(Further fanfare for Kirsti)

 

Or

Czeched Out?

(Tip o’ the cap to Brian Hight)

 

Or

Paint it Black

(Can I get a whoop whoop for Steve?)

Rough times continue for the State Department, as a popular former ambassador has died, and Republicans demand hearings on what the Obama Administration could have done to prevent it. Shirley Temple Black, The Youngest, Most Sacred Monster of the Cinema in Her Time, set a high mark for child stars by not getting addicted to anything and having a successful life once the applause died down that few child stars who followed even came close to matching. Tap dancing, singing and smiling in 23 movies in the 1930s, Temple openly mocked a national laid low by the Depression. The stunned and masochistic nation made her the most popular movie star in America from 1935 to 1939, while she received more mail than Greet Garbo and was photographed more often than Franklin D. Roosevelt. Even dancing in several films with an elderly black man, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, who would remain a close friend of Temple’s until his death, could not shake a segregated nation’s fascination with the ebullient wonder. She appeared in 50 films by the time she was 10, but the nation lost interest once adolescence set in, not unlike the Catholic Church and altar boys. Although she appeared in a few decent movies after her America’s sweetheart phase, such as The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer and the John Wayne-John Ford-Henry Fonda epic Fort Apache (opposite her soon to be ex-husband John Agar), Temple was basically washed up by the time she hit puberty, with her last big-screen appearance coming in A Kiss for Corliss at the age of 21. Rather than sign autographs at car shows for the rest of her life or sue for residuals from the sickeningly sweet non-alcoholic beverage invented by The Brown Derby in her honor, she embarked on one of the most surprising second acts in American history, being named a delegate to the United Nations General Assembly in 1969, ambassador to Ghana from 1974 to 1976 (an appointment that outraged some career diplomats, many of whom later conceded her performance was exemplary), US Chief of Protocol from 1976 to 1977, then ambassador to Czechoslovakia from 1989 to 1992, where her sunny optimism brought down Communism. America so loved Temple that even her press conference to discuss her mastectomy in 1972 drew rave reviews, and she was lauded for helping to make it acceptable to discuss breast cancer.

He is Gone, Goodbye

Or

Kiner Koffin Korner

(An epitaphany shared with Phil)

Or

Cruel to Be Kiner 

(Tip o’ the cap to Phil)

Or

No Longer Finer to Be Kiner

(Props to Phil)

Or

He Just Malapropped Dead

(Phil, going for the grammatically correct, but punny)

Ralph Kiner, who attacked National League pitchers and the English language with equal fervor, has died at the age of 91. Kiner was one of baseball’s most feared sluggers for the first 8 years of his career, winning HR titles in each of his first 7 and joining Babe Ruth as the only players at the time to hit 40 HRs in 5 consecutive seasons. But his career ended after only 10 seasons with some of the NL’s worst teams – the Pittsburgh Pirates and Chicago Cubs – due to a back injury, and he narrowly secured election to the baseball Hall of Fame, with just 2 votes more than the minimum required in his final year of eligibility. The lack of appreciation extended to his own front office, where after leading the league in HRs for the 42-112 Pirates in 1952, he got a pay cut, with General Manager Branch Rickey explaining, “We finished last with you, we can finish last without you.” For most, Kiner is more readily recognizable for his decades in the broadcast booth with the New York Mets, where he was famed for his malaprops, calling Gary Carter “Gary Cooper” and suggesting that “If Casey Stengel were alive, he’d be spinning in his grave,” for his lack of awareness, taking a call from a Mr. “Al Kahalic” during a post game segment of Kiner’s Korner, and for not nipping McCarver’s broadcasting career in the bud before he could escape and harm others. Kiner did submit a classic line, referring to Philadelphia Phillies’ Gold Glove Center Fielder Garry Maddox: “Two thirds of the earth is covered by water, the other third is covered by Garry Maddox.” 

Truman Kaput

Philip Seymour Hoffman, best remembered as the inept police officer of North Bath, New York who gets punched by Paul Newman in Nobody’s Fool, has died of a drug overdose at the age of 46. Other memorable roles included a tornado chaser in Twister, part of the con job support staff in Leap of Faith, a prep school stool pigeon in Scent of a Woman, Patch Adams’ med school roommate, a human barbecue in Red Dragon, a porn shoot hanger-on and closeted gay fan of Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights and Art Howe in Moneyball. While these roles were ignored, he won a Best Actor Oscar for Capote, and  Best Supporting Actor nominations for Charlie Wilson’s War, Doubt and The Master and Tony nominations for True West, Death of a Salesman and Long Day's Journey into Night.

Judgment at the Pearly Gates

(Kudos to Monty)

 

Or

Schell-om

Maximilian Schell, best remembered for the heavy-handed irony of his abandonment by his young wife on the eve of the apocalypse mirroring his own betrayal of his wife and child years before in Deep Impact, the talkiest disaster movie ever, has died of a sudden illness at the age of 83. Schell also played faux cooker of endangered species Larry London in The Freshman and the mad scientist at the edge of The Black Hole. But the reason he’ll get a prime spot in the Academy of Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ necrology is his Oscar for Best Actor for playing a German defense attorney in Judgment at Nuremberg, just his second acting role in a US film. Schell’s ability to speak German earned him roles in a number of other Nazi-themed movies, ironic given that he and his family fled Austria when it was annexed by Germany in 1938. Schell scored two other Oscar nominations for The Man in the Glass Booth and Julia. Schell was also noted as being one of the best Hamlets ever, with his performance being singled out by Mike, Crow and Tom Servo in a 1999 episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.