Deus ex Machina

Deus ex Machina
Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua has died of cancer and/or Alzheimer’s disease, proving that the Catholic Church will stop at nothing to cover up their decades of kiddie-diddling. Bevilacqua, the Archbishop of Philadelphia from 1988 to 2003, had recently been determined to be competent to testify as a witness in the trial of Monsignor William Lynn, one of his former subordinates, accused of child endangerment for his role in knowingly transferring pedophile priests to unsuspecting parishes. Although uncharged in this or any other case, Bevilacqua was sharply criticized by two grand juries for shielding abusive priests. Ever the good Catholic, Bevilacqua blamed the gays for the abuses, and he had a zero-tolerance policy for gay seminarians extreme even by Church standards while running Philadelphia with an iron fist.

Bus-ted

Kevin H. White, the Boston mayor who launched the most successful PBS pledge drive ever, has died at the age of 82. A four-term mayor of Boston from 1968 to 1984, the Democrat was among the last of the big-city liberal mayors, and helped beat back at times violent public outrage over court-ordered busing to desegregate schools by stepping up police protection to restore order. When Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in 1968, White pressed the local PBS affiliate to televise a James Brown concert scheduled that evening in Boston Garden. While riots ripped through many inner cities, Boston remained quiet as the populace tuned in to hear Brown call White “a swinging cat.” White could have been a concert promoter, securing the release of The Rolling Stones from the Rhode Island State Police so they could make a gig in Boston before the crowd turned violent. White gave generations of college students a place to take their visiting families by reopening Quincy Market as part of his economic revitalization efforts that prompted the comment “[Boston’s] not Camelot, but it’s not Cleveland either.” He nearly had the 1972 VP nomination, but his support for Ed Muskie came back to bite him, as it did so many others, and the nod briefly went to Crazy Tom Eagleton, and then Sargent Shriver. Corruption allegations dogged many in his administration, but nothing was ever directly tied to White, who emerged largely unscathed to become the director of the Institute for Political Communication at Boston University.

Abercrombie and Pitch

Ian Abercrombie, the Wiseman from Army of Darkness, has died at the age of 77. Lesser minds might remember him as Elaine’s 3-D Art challenged boss, Mr. Pitt, in Seinfeld. Other roles included a fastidious butler on Desperate Housewives, picking up sloppy animated seconds as Chancellor Palpatine in The Clone Wars and Alfred Pennyworth in Birds of Prey (making him the second Alfred to die in the last year, following Michael Gough), and countless spot appearances in TV and the movies.

Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan from class today. He’s dead. --- Epstein’s mother

Or
Up your nose with a rubber hose.... no really, it's for the embalming fluid
(Deranged props to Mike Mulcahy)

Or
Hogging the Casket, Signed, Epstein's Mother's Funeral Director
(Kudos to Monty)
Robert Hegyes, best remembered as one of Mr. Kotter’s Sweathogs, and more recently for opening the Walmart Garden Center in Iselin, NJ, has died of a heart attack triggered by discussions of merging his alma mater Rowan University (to which he had returned as “Artist-in-Residence”) with Rutgers-Camden at the age of 60. As Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein, the Sweathog voted Most Likely to Take a Life, Hegyes (pronounced Hedges, as in the things he trimmed in his last paying gig), brought a street hustler vibe, swagger and a sky-high Afro to “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

The Final Countdown

(Bite me, Cracker – it works)
James Farentino, whose boots were made for stalking, has died at the age of 73. Farentino, who spent most of his career explaining that he was not Tony Franciosa or James Franciscus, is best known for his role in The Final Countdown, the fact-based account of a modern era aircraft carrier lost in a time vortex that arrives near Hawaii on Dec 6, 1941 and has to decide whether to disrupt the flow of history by stopping the Japanese attack. (Spoiler alert – the treasonous bastards let Hawaii have it.) Other gigs included being a lawyer alongside talking snowman Burl Ives and Mannix’s boss Joseph Campanella on The Bold Ones. He had recurring roles on Dynasty and Melrose Place, he replaced Roy Scheider on the TV version of Blue Thunder to spare Captain Brody having to deal with JAFO Dana Carvey and he played George Clooney’s estranged father on ER. As his career wound down, he explored other avenues for his creative outlet, getting 6 months probation for stalking ex-girlfriend Tina Sinatra.

She Took Her Own Advice

(Additional accolades for Monty)
Charla Krupp, author of How Not To Look Old, has found another way to avoid those laugh lines, succumbing to breast cancer at 58. A fixture on the Today show, Krupp espoused surgery and procedure-free advice for the cougar-on-a-budget next door, advising them to find properly fitted bras, ditch the granny glasses, retire the mommy jeans and consider teeth whitening in order to feel better about themselves.

Danger, Danger Dick Tufeld

Dick Tufeld, voice of three decades of TV sci-fi, has died at the age of 86. Best known for verbal sparring matches with mincing evil stowaway Dr. Zachary Smith as the voice of Robot on Lost in Space, Tufeld also provided voiceover narration for Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, The Time Tunnel and Fantastic Four. He served as announcer for radio’s Space Patrol, Zorro, The Julie Andrews Hour, Surfside 6 and offered up the best thing about the 1998 movie reboot of Lost in Space by reprising his voice role. He also did loads of commercial work, most notably advising against selling wine before its time on behalf of Ernest and Julio Gallo.

They Buried Him

Allegedly beloved Phillies broadcaster Andy Musser died of a heart condition at the age of 74. Apparently the Phillies had two broadcasters named Andy Musser, because the one I remember was a shrill, annoying schmuck with a limited understanding of the game. His best known call was a glorious day in October 1980 when Mike Schmidt hit a 10th inning home run off Stan Bahnsen to help the Phillies clinch the NL East en route to winning their first World Series as he let loose a high-pitched “He buried it.” A member of a 4-man broadcast team for most of his time with the Phillies, he lacked Hall of Famer Harry Kalas’ smooth baritone, Hall of Famer Richie Ashburn’s folksy humor, and even shrill pedant Chris Wheeler’s deep knowledge of Phillies trivia, but at least he had good luck in broadcast partners.

He Lies… in State

Or

Seamy Valley

Former Penn State head coach Joe Paterno has died at the age of 85 of complications from lung cancer, 3 months after he could have gone out a legend. Fittingly, he died on a Sunday, because we know how much he hated to inconvenience anyone on a Saturday. Terry Gilliam films had better endings than Paterno’s life. On Oct. 29, 2011, he won his 409th game to become the all-time winningest coach in Division I college football history. On Nov. 5, his long-time defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was revealed to be a pedophile in good standing, and that it had been reported to Paterno, and that he had essentially left a Post-it Note on his boss’ desk saying: “Jerry. Shower. Kids.” and forgotten about it. Then he got fired (by a phone call, the gutless bastards), got cancer, broke his hip and died. Prior to giving enabling a bad name, Paterno had established a football factory in the insignificant town of State College, Pennsylvania. Passing up a scholarship to Boston University School of Law, Paterno moved to Happy Valley in 1950 to become quarterbacks coach before taking over as head coach in 1966, where he implemented an offense as conservative as his horn-rimmed glasses, rolled up pants and white socks. In his record-setting 46-year career, he led 2 national champions, 5 unbeaten teams and finished in the top 5 11 other times, and made 37 bowl games, winning 24 of them – both records for any head coach. And doing so all the while with no recruiting scandals and with some of the highest graduation rates among major college programs.

At Rest

Or
At Last
(An epitaphany shared with Monty, and probably everyone else on this mailing list)
Etta James, starter of first dances at weddings across the country, has died of complications from leukemia at the age of 73. Riding a powerful voice into the Rock and Roll, Blues and Rockabilly Halls of Fame, scored her signature hit “At Last,” ironically when she was still a fresh-faced 22-year old pop singer. At Lasting fame eluded her, as she battled addictions to heroin, cocaine, painkillers and ham hocks from the 1960s through the 1980s. Filling in more of her blues background, she had no idea who her father was, but her mother told her he was renowned pool player Minnesota Fats, and she as raised by often abusive friends and foster parents until she was 12. She began to get her just due in the 1990s, scoring a Grammy for best jazz vocal performance, her first of 4, including 2003’s lifetime achievement award. James was played by Beyonce in Cadillac Records, a fictionalized account of Chess Records, and Beyonce was asked to perform her cover of At Last at President Obama’s inaugural. James later threatened to kick Beyonce’s ass. She later explained she was joking. Her son later explained she had Alzheimer’s, the first indication of her rapid health downturn.

Trouble Bruin

Or
Shot Down in a Blaze of Glory
Gene Bartow, who showed how hard it is to replace a legend, has died of stomach cancer at the age of 81. Bartow had the unenviable task of following the greatest coach in the history of sport, UCLA’s John Wooden, and kept up the program, going 52-9 in two seasons, the second best winning percentage among Bruin coaches, surpassing even Wooden. He made the Final Four and the Sweet 16, but for a program that had won 10 championships in 12 seasons, that wasn’t going to get it done, and the school and alumni never really warmed to Bartow. Bartow was well versed in how hard Wooden was to contend with, having lost to him in the 1973 Finals as the head coach of Memphis State, the year he was named NCAA Coach of the Year. Deciding it would be much easier to run a program where he had no predecessors to measure up to, he started his own athletics program as athletic director at the University of Alabama-Birmingham, launching a basketball program at a school that had only a 400-seat gym. Within 4 years, he had UAB in the Elite Eight and the team now plays in a 9,300-seat arena that bears Bartow’s name. For his efforts, he was inducted into the College Basketball Hall of Fame in 2009. Following his retirement from UAB, he became a consultant, and eventually president of the Memphis Grizzlies.

A Disturbance in the Force

Bob Anderson, the Marni Nixon of cinematic swashbuckling, has become more powerful than we can possibly imagine at the age of 89. The common perception of Darth Vader is that David Prowse provided the hulking presence while James Earl Jones gave him his testicle-shrinking voice. In reality, so much badassery could not be the product of just two men. Enter Anderson, a member of the British Royal Marines during World War II and a member of the 1952 Olympic fencing squad, to add a dash of Inigo Montoya to The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. While Sarah Lane couldn’t pull back the curtain on The Black Swan fast enough, Anderson, being a British member of the Greatest Generation, kept his stiff upper lip in the background. His sole acknowledgement: a cameo role as an Imperial Officer who doesn’t even get choked to death, until Mark Hamill disclosed his role in interviews following the release of Return of the Jedi, the only example of beneficial retroactive tinkering to the Star Wars franchise. Anderson’s influence draws a fencing line from Errol Flynn in The Master of Ballantrae through several iterations of James Bond, across Middle Earth in the Lord of the Rings trilogy to Florin with The Princess Bride and into a galaxy far, far away.