The Inanimate Hildegarde

Legendary cabaret singer Hildegarde whose career spanned 7 decades and 2 continents has died at the age of 99. Dubbed the Incomparable Hildegarde by Walter Winchell, she cut a regal figure in couturier gowns, jeweled glasses, glittering earrings, long white gloves, a lace handkerchief and a curly platinum wig. Hildegarde influenced a number of other performers, including, not surprisingly, Liberace, who duplicated her one-name stage persona and used "I'll Be Seeing You," one of her best-known numbers, as his own theme song. At her peak in the 1930s and ‘40s, she was booked in plush hotel cabaret rooms and supper clubs at least 45 weeks a year. Her recordings of such songs as "Darling, Je Vous Aime Beaucoup," "The Last Time I Saw Paris" and "Lili Marlene" became worldwide hits. Revlon introduced a Hildegarde shade of lipstick and nail polish, a nursery named a rose for her, and a linen company, picking up on the way she signed her autograph, introduced a "Bless You" handkerchief.

Big Enos Buried

Pat McCormick, a comedy writer and occasional performer best known as “Big Enos” Burdette, the Georgia big shot whose penchant for illegal beer led Smokey and the Bandit’s evasion of Sheriff Buford T. Justice, has died at the age of 78. McCormick was a regular judge on The Gong Show and also was a frequent guest and writer on the Tonight Show for Johnny Carson, playing a turkey, a peacock, a squirrel, a shark and most notably when the 6-foot-7, 270-pound streaked behind Carson during a monologue.

Some classic McCormick lines:

On the television writers strike in 1988: “We writers will know we're missed when we see our pictures on milk cartons.”

On going on the wagon: “I gave up drinking booze when my liver started showing up on airport metal detectors.”

And a classic joke that Carson delivered after a big temblor hit the Southland: “Due to today's earthquake, the God is Dead rally has been canceled.”

And a story from close friend Jack Riley: "I was walking with Pat one night outside of the Braille Institute on Ventura Boulevard. Pat looked to the second floor and noticed five or six totally darkened windows, 'Ah," he said, 'I see they're working late.'”

Smoked Out

Sir Richard Doll, the scourge of corporate America for a half century, has died at the age of 92. Doll was the British epidemiologist whose pioneering studies linked smoking to lung cancer, emphysema, heart attacks and many other ailments, while also showing a link between asbestos and mesothelioma. In a statement, Phillip Morris noted that Doll’s death underscored errors in his research, as he died despite having stopped smoking in 1950. “We’re all going to die,” said a smokesperson. “Wouldn’t you rather look cool along the way?”

Squeezed Out

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Not So Happy Norwegian
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Because of another engagement, Myron Floren will not be coming back to Wurstfest, and our signature sausage and heritage festival will never be the same. (Actual lede of the obituary in the Herald-Zeitung of New Braunfels, Texas)
Myron Floren, the accordion virtuoso who came to fame in the mid-1950s as a regular on "The Lawrence Welk Show," has died at the age of 85. Dubbed the Happy Norwegian for his constant grin, Floren joined Welk’s orchestra in 1950 and was a part of the show’s 27-year run on ABC and in syndication. While routinely and justifiably mocked, at its peak 50 million people tuned in weekly, and reruns are still shown on public television stations desperate to mollify budget-cutting conservatives. After the end of the show’s run, Floren was in high demand, traveling more than 150,000 miles a year to various performances, including 34 years as the headliner at the aforementioned Wurstfest, and was frequently stopped on the streets by autograph-seekers. Weird Al Yankovic has said that Floren was an inspiration for his own appreciation for the accordion.

Off the Radar

George D. Wallace, whose career spanned more than 50 years, but was only remembered for an awful serial from 1952, has died at the age of 88. Wallace starred as Commando Cody in “Radar Men from the Moon,” a low-budget but well-loved affair involving Cody’s space patrol flying to the moon to find out why it was shooting at the Earth, before going on to leading roles in Broadway musicals, including “Pipe Dream,” “The Pajama Game,” “New Girl on Town,” and “Jennie.” He later reprised the role in the 1966 TV movie “Retik, the Moon Menace.” Wallace played character parts in about 80 films, including “Submarine Command,” “Billy Jack Goes to Washington,” “My Girl 2” and “Bicentennial Man.” He also made more than 125 TV guest appearances, including giving Xander Harris a view of his future on his wedding day on “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.”

Lord of the Flies

Lord Alfred Hayes, the greatest wrestler ever to come out of the United Kingdom and a fixture as a U.S. broadcaster in the 1980s and ‘90s, has died at the age of 77. Hayes added an incongruous somewhat refined accent to the sounds of fat man slapping. Wrestling in the 1960s and 1970s as “Judo” Al Hayes, he was a notable villain and then a baddie manager of such talents as Nikolai Volkoff, Billy Robinson, Chris Markoff, Masked Superstar and Sgt. Slaughter. He then signed on with Vince McMahon and the WWF and upped the Britishyness of his act. He was the straight man in a number of skits on various WWF programs, appearing in a tuxedo and wannabe Alistair Cooke diction while surrounded by a parade of feather-boaed, masked and painted fat men. And at the end of every episode, you'd hear the snooty royalist tones of Lord Alfred say...

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING!

Then Lord Alfred would list the sponsors for this week's program, all of them inappropriate in his proper British accent...

Wrestlemania 64...from Ah-KLAIM!

Coty Wild Musk...the ESSENCE...of an-EEE-mal....ATTRACTION!

Coty Wild Musk...easy to WEAH...haaaahd to ree-SIST!

(Partially stolen shamelessly from James, who alerted us to the vacant Lordship)

He Gave All He Had, and a Wee Bit More

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He cannae take it any more, cap'n
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Beam Him Up
(Epitaphany shared with Keith, Tammy, Monty and Shawn)

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He’s Dead, Jim
(Solo props for Shawn)
James “Scotty” Doohan, has boldly gone where only DeForest Kelley among Star Trek regulars had gone before, passing away at 85. Doohan, a member of Space Command in the early sci-fi serial and… Oh, who are we kidding – he was the lovable chief engineer who kept the Starship Enterprise from falling apart. After trying a number of different accents, Doohan decided the Scottish brogue was the most authoritative and Edinburghers were forever chagrined. Doohan appeared in all but the first episode of the series, then the first 7 movies, including a cameo with Chekov in Generations where Captain Kirk was killed, and had a cameo in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Doohan also developed the origins of the Klingon language, which was later expanded from a few words and phrases to a full language. Performing heroics in the stars was an extension of real life for Doohan, who fought with the Royal Canadian Artillery in World War II, storming Juno Beach on D-Day, where he was shot 6 times, including one that cost him the end of his middle finger.

Four of us expected Scotty’s voyage to the Undiscovered Country: Shawn’s Team Two moves into 5th, Keith’s Nine Old Men (and One Old Woman) move into 6th, my Better Dead than Red State moves into 12th, and with her first hit ever, Tammy climbs out of the cellar and into 22nd place. This gives Don the all-time futility record all to his lonesome, currently 19 months, 19 days (and counting). Michelle had Scotty on her list 3 years ago, marking the 5th person she had listed at one time who has died this year.

Tangled up in Blue

Edward Bunker, a convicted criminal who became an acclaimed writer and so-so actor, has died at the age of 71. A young man with a genius IQ, Bunker was the Doogie Howser of crime, starting law breaking at the age of 3, and was the youngest person to take up residence at San Quentin prison, where he ended up after stabbing a guard at the L.A. County Jail. His numerous bank heists and drug arrests earned him a spot on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List. In prison, he wrote his first novel, No Beast So Fierce, which became the basis for the 1978 movie Straight Time. He later wrote the screenplay for the Oscar-nominated film Runaway Train. He served as a technical advisor on prison life in a number of films and played small roles in such films as Tango & Cash, but is best known for playing Mr. Blue in Reservoir Dogs, an experience he used as the title for his memoirs: Mr. Blue, Memoirs of a Renegade.

Westmoreland Assures Victory Over Death Close at Hand

(The historical perspective from Craig)

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We Didn't Lose in Vietnam, Westmoreland Isn't Dead, And If 60 Minutes Says Otherwise, They Can Expect Another Lawsuit
(The revisionist historical perspective from Kirsti)

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Per Last Request, Gen. Westmoreland's Ashes, 10,000 Pounds Of Napalm Scattered Over Vietnam(The copyrighted perspective from The Onion)

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Losing the Battle of Heart and Mind(The pragmatic perspective from Monty)

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Entering Pandora’s Box
General William Westmoreland might actually stop fighting the Vietnam War now that he’s died at the age of 91. After Westmoreland served with distinction in World War II and the Korean War, he commanded U.S. Forces in Vietnam from 1964 to 1968 and was credited with “the first clear failure” in American military history. Westmoreland refused to accept that the U.S. Army had lost the war, insisting that President Johnson had failed to live up to his commitment in Southeast Asia. Under Westmoreland, the war was waged as a traditional American campaign of superior firepower breaking enemy resistance, never noticing that this approach wasn’t working. Westmoreland also displayed a Rumsfeld-esque grasp of the truth during press conferences, consistently declaring that “victory was at hand” and “they were nearing the light at the end of the tunnel” while the Vietcong became ever more entrenched. After being “promoted” to Army Chief of Staff, McNamara hung around the Pentagon trying to tell old war stories to interns and secretaries who avoided eye contact. He spent the next 33 years talking to veterans offering his spin on his conduct of the war, suing CBS in 1982 when it suggested that he had knowingly underestimated enemy strength to bolster claims of progress. He dropped the suit and claimed that a lukewarm statement from CBS saying it did not mean to imply "that General Westmoreland was unpatriotic or disloyal in performing his duties as he saw them" was clearly an apology and claimed victory. Just like old times.

Swansong frozen dinners

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Foiled again
Gerry Thomas, inventor of the TV dinner has entered the deep freeze at the age of 83. When visiting a distributor who was developing a way to deliver hot meals on airplanes, Thomas realized they would be the perfect way to eat in front of the TV, ensuring generations of family dysfunction and greasing the wheels toward rampant obesity. Packaged with a TV screen and knobs on the package, the first Swanson TV Dinner -- turkey with cornbread dressing and gravy, sweet potatoes and buttered peas -- sold for about $1 and could be cooked in 25 minutes at 425 degrees. Ten million sold in the first year of national distribution. Thomas himself was a gourmet cook and never ate the dinners.

House of Commons, House of Horrors

'Cause I'm the Dead Man, Yeaaaaaah, I'm the Dead Maaaaaaaan
(Props to Mark)

Or
So, I guess the Deathman was the other inevitablity.
(Kudos to Craig)
Hope Edward Heath remembered to declare the pennies on his eyes as the former Prime Minister has died a week after celebrating his 89th birthday. The son of a turd farmer, Heath broke the tradition of blueblood heads of the Conservative Party when he became party leader in 1965. His role in creating England’s tax structure earned him a mention by name in The Beatles’ “The Taxman.” The Conservatives came to power in 1970 promising to reverse the 25-year long post-WWII decline that had led to spiraling prices and more than 1 million unemployed, but Heath was undone when he miscalculated the power of the coal unions. Heath called for an election, demanding to find out “Who governs Britain?” The answer: Labor Party head Harold Wilson. Heath’s lasting legacy was bringing the UK into the European Union, overcoming years of domestic and external resistance. Having led the Tories to defeat three times, Heath was unseated as party leader by Maggie Thatcher in 1975, beginning “the longest sulk in history.” Heath was one of Thatcher’s biggest critics, and refused an appointment to be ambassador to the United States. Heath also ignored Thatcher’s demand that he abort a trip to negotiate for the release of British subjects held in Iraq at the start of the Gulf War. Heath paid his own way and returned with more than 100 Britons. In 1992, Heath became Sir Edward, a member of the country's most prestigious order of chivalry, the Knights of the Garter; when he retired in 2001, having served more than 50 years in the House of Commons, he was the Father of the House, further proof that the English seem to make up governmental titles as they go along.

Withering Sight

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Enough is Enough, Arthur. Bury the Bitch!
(Props to Monty for both)

Geraldine Fitzgerald, whose starring film career was thwarted by her temper in the 1940s has died at 91. Fitzgerald held her own with Bette Davis in "Dark Victory," then won an Oscar nomination for playing Isabella in "Wuthering Heights," but her frequent rebellions at Warner Bros. earned her a number of suspensions and derailed her career. She had originally come to the U.S. to act with Orson Welles and the Mercury Theater, and returned to the stage after her film career turned to character roles, winning a Tony nomination in 1982. Fitzgerald also played Arthur’s mother Martha in "Arthur" and is the third "Arthur" co-star to become caught between the moon and New York City this year, following Barney Martin and Stephen Elliott.

E-2, Mick-ay?

Mickey Owen, a former catcher with the Brooklyn Dodgers whose All-Star seasons were overshadowed by one fateful inning, has died at the age of 89. Game 4 of the 1941 World Series. 9th inning. Two Out. Dodgers lead 4-3 and are one strike from evening the series. Ace reliever Hugh Casey let loose a curve that appeared to strike out Yankees batter Tommy Henrich. Owen was fooled and despite having set an NL record for consecutive chances without an error, couldn’t hold the pitch, and Henrich reached safely. Faster than you can say Rich Gedman, the Yankees had rallied for a 7-4 win, taking a 3-1 lead in the series, which they won the next night, leading to the oft-repeated headline, “Wait ‘til Next Year.” Although better known for his defense, strong arm and leadership, Owen made history the following season as the first player to pinch-hit a homer in an All-Star Game. After World War II, Owen was one of about a dozen players who challenged the indentured servitude endured by major league baseball players at the time by signing to play in the Mexican League and was blackballed from the majors until 1949. After his career ended, Owen founded the well-regarded Mickey Owen Baseball School in Miller, Mo., and served as sheriff of Greene County in Missouri and ran unsuccessfully for lieutenant governor.

I’m in the Ground Forever, Simply Because I Stopped Breathing

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I’m in the Mood for Death
(Kudos for Michelle)

Frances Langford, a USO favorite from the 1930s through the 1950s, has died at the age of 91. Best known for her steamy rendition of “I’m in the Mood for Love,” which was written specifically for her 1935 film debut “Every Night at Eight,” Langford had a knack for creating memorable songs in forgettable movies. “You are My Lucky Star” and “Broadway Rhythm” in “Broadway Melody,” and “Hooray for Hollywood.” She also joined James Cagney on a rendition of “Over There” in Yankee Doodle Dandy, essentially playing herself as a featured performer in a USO, as she did with Bob Hope throughout World War II. Langford also made up half of the radio classic duo “The Bickersons,” with Don Ameche.

Little Hole in the Prairie

Kevin Hagen, best remembered as kindly Doc Hagen on Little House on the Prairie, has died at the age of 77. In his 35-year career, Hagen had more than 100 guest appearances, including two different M*A*S*H episodes, first as Col. Coner, whose pursuit of territory at all costs earned him a garbage shower courtesy of Hawkeye, and as Major Goss, who chased Hawkeye from his attempt to jump-start the stalled peace talks in Panmunjom back to the 4077 to find the camp joining his protest of olive drab by dying everyone’s scrubs and hair red. Hagen also played Inspector Kobick, who desperately pursued the Earthlings on “Land of the Giants,” one of many collaborations with Irwin Allen, including appearances in Lost in Space, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and The Time Tunnel.

Gone with The Wind

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On Flanders Road the Crap does Flow

Claude Simon, the French author whose long pointless novels confused the Nobel Committee enough to convince them of his brilliance and award him the 1985 Prize for Literature, has died at the age of 91. Simon eschewed such bourgeois concepts as narrative structure, character development and plot in such novels as “The Swindler,” “The Wind,” The Grass,” and “The Flanders Road,” in favor of seemingly random words and phrases as one tedious description tumbled into the next.

Gray. And Getting Grayer.

(Props to Monty)

L. Patrick Gray III, the chief snoop who couldn’t find the biggest mole in U.S. history in the office next to him, has died at the age of 88. After the death of FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover, Nixon appointed Gray, a little-known and ill-qualified crony, as his successor. Gray had the good fortune of taking office during one of the worst scandals in White House history, aided in part by snubbed number 2 man W. Mark Felt, who was giving the inside scoop to The Washington Post as Deep Throat. Whether Felt would have been as accommodating had he been chosen as the head of the FBI is the next chapter of the Deep Throat debate, but Gray greased the slide for Nixon with his rather curious way of handling sensitive documents. Gray admitted to Congress that he had shared documents related to the Watergate investigation with White House counsel John Dean, and was then allowed to “twist slowly, slowly in the wind” before resigning. Gray largely remained silent over his role in the Watergate scandal for the next 30 years before Felt’s emergence as Deep Throat opened the door for him to admit that his role in the cover-up was the second biggest mistake of his life. The biggest was going to work for Richard Nixon in the first place.

The McBain ends his existence

The bad week for former Hitchcock screenwriters continued as Evan Hunter, author of The Birds, has died at 78. Hunter’s Hitchcock connection was less notable than his role in creating the police procedural drama under the pseudonym Ed McBain, known for his accounts of the detectives of the 87th Precinct. Starting with “Cop Hater” in 1956, Hunter added a gritty realism to dispel the notion of pipe-smoking erudite criminalists, and used the urban streets as characters. Hunter’s 55th entry in the 87th series, which has already sold more than 100 million copies, is due out in September. Hunter also produced the screenplay to The Blackboard Jungle.

Who am I, why am I in a coffin?

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Deadlock!

James Bond Stockdale, who supplanted Dan Quayle as the comic relief in the 1992 vice presidential debate, has died at the age of 81. Admiral Stockdale was a naval pilot who flew the first bombing raid in North Vietnam and had flown 201 missions when he was shot down in 1965. He spent more than 7 years in Vietnamese prison camps, enduring near fatal injuries rather than provide information to his captors, which was noted in his citation for winning the Medal of Honor in 1976. Reform Party Candidate Ross Perot tapped the American hero as his VP candidate, but Stockdale was not comfortable with the spotlight, and his stumbling performance, opening with the question, “Who am I? Why am I here?,” turning off his hearing aid during the debate and providing the rare admission he had nothing to add to the debate, became late-night comic fodder for weeks.

Scythe in Time Takes Nine

Matriculating the ball through the pearly gates
(Shared epitaphany with Craig)

Or
Sideline Flatline
Hank Stram, former Hall of Fame coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, has died at the age of 82. An innovator widely credited with the moving pocket for the quarterback, the two tight-end set and the stacked defense, Stram was the winningest coach in the history of the American Football League. His win with Kansas City in Super Bowl IV both further established the AFL teams as worth adversaries for their NFL counterparts and secured his own legend. The animated coach was the first to be miked for a Super Bowl and his running commentary, including the malaprop “Let’s matriculate the ball down the field,” became fixtures in NFL Films highlights retrospectives. Stram also won AFL titles in 1962, 1966 and 1969, losing the first Super Bowl to the Green Bay Packers. After his coaching career, he became a television and radio analyst with an awful toupee and a knack for accurately predicting a team’s next play.

The Stagnant Smell of Decay

The Stagnant Smell of Decay

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Due South

Ernest Lehman, the screenwriter behind such classics as “North by Northwest” and “The Sweet Smell of Success,” better hope somebody up there likes him, as he has died at the age of 89. Lehman also inflicted the problem like Maria on the world and all of that van Crapp about singing past the Nazis in “The Sound of Music.” A versatile writer, Lehman’s other films included the musicals “The King and I” and “West Side Story,” the romantic comedy “Sabrina,” the drama “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” the biography “Somebody Up There Likes Me,” the black comedy “Family Plot” and the adventure “Black Sunday,” and his skills were sought by directors Alfred Hitchcock and Billy Wilder. Lehman was nominated for four Oscars and won a Lifetime Achievement Oscar in 2003.

Not Here, Not Now

Luther Vandross, the baby-inducing machine, has died at the age of 54, a little more than 2 years after a debilitating stroke. Vandross’ silky smooth R&B was the soundtrack for many a hot and heavy evening. Vandross produced 17 albums - or really, the same album 17 times – each one chock full of tedious ballads and lush orchestras. He won 8 Grammys with hits including Here and Now and Any Love. Vandross was obsessive about his vocal cords, enduring stifling temperatures before appearances to prevent air-conditioning from drying his throat. He was less obsessive about the rest of his health, and he ballooned dangerously before dropping the weight to look silky smooth for his next album cover.

Reach Out (But I Won’t Be There)

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The Four Topsoil

(Props to Don, better at headlines than predictions)

Obie Benson, the baritone anchor of The Four Tops, has died of lung cancer at the age of 69. One of the longest-runnning acts in music history, the Tops celebrated their 50th anniversary last year. After singing a jazz arrangement of In the Still of the Night on the Tonight Show, the group signed with Motown Records in 1963 and became one of the label’s best commodities. The Tops recorded 24 Top 40 hits, including Baby, I Need Your Lovin’, Standing in the Shadows of Love, Bernadette, Can’t Help Myself, most with Benson’s baritone as the foundation of the group’s harmony. Benson also collaborated on Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going on,” a song intended to capture the aura of the turbulent late 1960s and early 1970s.

God to Brink: Drop Dead

William J. Brink, former editor at the New York Daily News, has died at the age of 89. Brink is best remembered for the most famous headline since Dewey Defeats Truman. In 1975, President Ford refused to help the city out of its fiscal crisis. While other editors toyed with headlines about refusing aid, Brink put it more succinctly: Ford to City: Drop Dead. Ford himself conceded that headline helped cost him the state in the 1976 election, and with it, the White House. And as proof that the New York Times does have a sense of humor, this was the last line of the Times obit: The corresponding headline in The New York Times that day, FORD, CASTIGATING CITY, ASSERTS HE'D VETO FUND GUARANTEE; OFFERS BANKRUPTCY BILL, remains unsung.