Wrinkle out of Time

Ed Schantz, the man who figured out a way to allow people to safely inject poison into their faces to forestall the aging process, has died at the age of 96, leaving a very smooth corpse. In 1946, Schantz and colleagues purified the botulinum toxin – the cause of the fatal muscle paralysis botulism – into a crystalline form, which eventually led to the discovery of a cure for muscle spasms associated with certain illnesses, and crossed eyes. In time, the medical miracle was developed into the commercial wrinkle remover Botox.

With a name like Mason Adams, he has to be dead

Mason Adams, an omnipresent character actor best known as kindhearted managing editor Charlie Hume on Lou Grant, had died at the age of 86. Adams was nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Emmy for three straight years, losing twice to Rockford Files juggernaut Stuart Margolin, then getting washed away in the Hill Street Blues 1981 landslide. Adams’ also put his crotchety voice to work in a number of radio serials in radio’s golden era, most notably Pepper Young and Atom Man in Superman, and in dozens of commercials, including 30 years worth of Smuckers’ ads. Other roles included cranky retiring Supreme Court justice Joseph Crouch on The West Wing.

End of the Run of the Mills

Or

The Parent Death Trap

Or

Death Has No Sex

British actor Sir John Mills, whose screen career spanned more than 50 years and 100 films, has died at the age of 97. One of Britain’s most prolific and most beloved actors for his touching performances of lads next door gone off to war in quintessential British war films such as Above Us the Waves, Morning Departure, Ice Cold in Alex, Oh What a Lovely War, and Tunes of Glory, Mills’s passing drew the sympathies of Buckingham Palace and Prime Minister Tony Blair. Best known as the father on Swiss Family Robinson, Mills also appeared in Gandhi, two versions of Around the World in 80 Days, was the screen’s best Pip in 1946’s Great Expectations and won the 1971 Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Ryan’s Daughter. He’s also known as the pater familias of Disney staple Hayley Mills, and the two appeared together in several films, including The Parent Trap.

Over the Rambo

George P. Cosmatos, director of really bad box office hits, has died of lung cancer at the age of 64. His best-known hits were the confusingly named, acted and conceived Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cobra, the film that brought Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen together again, Leviathan, the worst of the 1989 bottom of the sea movies and the fittingly named Tombstone.

Johnny in the Grave (with Lillies)

John Fred Gourrier, best known for his 1960s hit "Judy in Disguise (With Glasses)" has died at the age of 63 after a long illness. The song by John Fred and the Playboy Band, a parody of the Beatles’ hit Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, hit No. 1 in 1967, knocking off another Beatles song, Hello Goodbye, and staying atop the charts for two weeks.

George Mulchin’

George Molchan, who spent three decades behind the wheel of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile as the company mascot, has died at the age of 82. Working as a bookkeeper for Pepsi-Cola in the 1950s, Molchan mustard up the courage to try out for the role of Little Oscar, the company’s diminutive mascot. Molchan relished his years as the nation’s biggest weiner wonk, and spent his years at parades and supermarket openings grinning like the catsup that swallowed the canary. Molchan’s funeral earned a visit from the Weinermobile, and mourners offered their condiments while presenting a send-off complete with hot-dog shaped Weinerwhistles and a stirring rendition of "I wish I was an Oscar Mayer weiner."

It’s All Digging and No Giving 'Cause Ms. Dworkin Has Stopped Living

Or

It’s not Dworkin Out

(Kudos to Monty)

Or

Dworkin the Graveyard Shift

(Props to Monty again)

Raging feminist and general wet blanket Andrea Dworkin died a couple weeks ago, but as a final insult, I held off sending an update until some men died to make it worth my time. Dworkin championed many issues, but her money shot was at pornography, which she viewed as a violation of women’s civil rights. Dworkin was in her glory hole in testifying before Congress about the evils of pornography, drawing the scorn of pool boys, copier repairmen, couriers and naughty, naughty nurses everywhere.

Absence of Melis

Next time you find yourself wincing during the painful banter between Jay Leno and Kevin Eubanks, first, smack yourself for watching Leno, then curse Jose Melis and Jack Paar for starting the tradition. Melis, a classically trained Cuban pianist who studied at Julliard before slumming on the idiot box with Jack Paar, died this month at the age of 85. Paar met Melis when the two were serving in the Army, and they became fast friends. Paar brought Melis along as musical director for the many variety shows he hosted that eventually culminated with the Tonight show. In this role, Melis appeared often on screen, bantering with Paar and carving out the patterns for a half century of time-wasting minutes between talk-show hosts and music monkeys.

Not so Hotsy

Debralee Scott, best known as the most ironically named Sweathog - Rosalie “Hotsy” Totsy - on Welcome Back, Kotter, has died at the age of 52. She also played the abducted and eventually murdered girl at the center of Dirty Harry, was the wife of a cadet, then a cadet herself in the Police Academy series, played Cathy Shumway on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, was one of the substitute panelists on Match Game and was impaled with a megaphone by Tab Hunter in Pandemonium.

Fallen Starr

(Shout out to Greg for sharing my epitaphany)

Or

Dale’s dead? I didn’t even know she was Messick

Dale Messick, creator of one of the long-lasting, most pointless comic strips to waste valuable broadsheet space has died at the age of 98. Starting in 1940, Brenda Starr, Reporter was the best dressed, sassiest member of the newsroom at The Flash, and both the character and creator broke barriers in the previously all male world of the funnies. During its peak in the 1950s it wasted pulp in 250 newspapers. Brenda was pursued for three decades by Basil St. John, who wore an eyepatch and had a mysterious illness that could only be treated by a serum taken from black orchids in the Amazon jungle, which he often left Brenda to pursue, leaving the red-haired beauty to fend off many suitors. When they married in the 1970s, Gerald Ford sent congratulations. Then fell down. Dale retired from the strip in 1985, and was critical of the direction it took since then. She also derided the multiple film versions, especially the flop with Brooke Shields and Timothy Dalton that sat ignored on a shelf for six years before being released in 1992. In 1997, she received a lifetime achievement award from the National Cartoonist Society, and continued with a single-panel strip called Granny Glamour until she turned 92.

Vatican Vacancy

Or
Better prelate than never

Or
Amen to That

Or
Holy See You Later

Or
End of Rope for Pope(Kudos to Dead Pool observer Jon)

Or
The Emissary's new robe
(Courtesy of Michelle)

Or
Pole’s Vault(Props to Mark)

Or
Recalled to the Head Office
(Also snaps to Mark)
Bang! Bang! Camerlengo’s silver hammer came down upon his head
Clang! Clang! Camerlengo’s silver hammer made sure that he was dead

With that dignified ceremony, Pope John Paul II’s death was confirmed at the age of 84. The jet setting pontiff spread his message across 120 countries during his 27 years, and spent about 10% of his papacy outside the Vatican, including a trip to his native Poland to celebrate Mass with 1 million people. His support of the Solidarity movement was credited with helping bring a bloodless end to communist rule. In recent years, the teflon pontiff increasingly seemed like the untouchable leader of the gang that couldn’t pray straight, as the world’s favorite anachronism consistently came down with decisions out of step with the rest of the world, including many members of the Catholic Church. John Paul II had a back to basics approach that taught that God loves all His children. Unless they are gay. Or are women, who He loves a little less, so they are not entitled to equal pay to men or equal positions within the church and besides, women’s equality tears down the family and makes gay marriage acceptable. The Catholic Church also came down harder on The Da Vinci Code than it did the ethnic cleansing massacres in Africa and has more objections to consensual sex between adults than it did the sex scandals that have rocked the church in the United States, Ireland, Australia, Austria and the Phillipines. Meat on Friday? You will burn in hell. Sex with altar boys? Here’s your relocation orders. But with his strong faith and personal charm, JPII was able to stay above the fray, with millions feeling a personal connection after seeing him ride past in the Popemobile.