Fashionably Late

Liz Claiborne, founder of the titular fashion empire, died at the age of 78. Seriously, am I the only one who thought this was a brand name and not a real person?

Wald Off Historia

Or
Tear Down This Waldheim

Or
De-Nazi-fication
Kurt Waldheim, the highest ranking Nazi since the end of WWII, has died at the age of 88. While the conclusion of most Nazis’ political careers came at the end of a rope, Waldheim walked out of the Wehrmacht and into the Austrian diplomatic corps, then in 1972 he was elected to run the United Nations, serving as Secretary General of an organization whose War Crimes Commission had once investigated him, but hey, how could anyone that speaks German be evil? After two terms, he returned to Austria to run for president. During the campaign, questions arose about his military service. He had acknowledged serving in the German Air Force, but claimed to have received a medical discharge in 1941. Then he admitted to having served until 1943. Or 1945, when he surrendered to British troops. But he was in Greece. OK, maybe he served in Yugoslavia – he never was very good at geography. And when he was there, maybe he did serve under General Alexander Lohr, who was executed for war crimes in 1946, but he claimed to have only been an interpreter and clerk, despite having earlier been an ordnance officer. And his signature on documents related to the massacre of as many as 68,000 civilians in Yugoslavia? He had just signed off that the paperwork was received. And being named to the Wehrmacht honor list and receiving a silver medal with oak leaf cluster following the Yugoslavia campaign?That was just because of his excellent penmanship. And the gallows a few hundred yards from his office where prisoners were hung and shot? Well, he really didn’t open the windows very often. And his review and approval of anti-Semitic propaganda asking the Russians to join the Nazis to help eliminate the Jews? Well, he was just doing his job and checking the spelling. Displaying the dubious decision-making skills that would later make David Hasselhoff a best-selling recording artist, and ignoring the fact that just looking at the guy you almost expect to hear him sending Klink to the Russian Front, the Austrian electorate handed him the presidency in 1986. During his six-year term the United States barred him from entering the country and the only other European country that welcomed him was Vatican City, where he received several honors from Pope John Paul II, because Pius XII didn’t make it clear enough that jaywalking in the Red Sea carries pretty heavy penalties.

Another brick in the Waldheim for Mark as his 4-year wait pays off and with the solo hit his Beltway Boneyard IV: Foreign Exchange takes first place for the third time this year. If only he’d pay up.

Bought the Farm

Bob Evans, Sausage King of Sugar Ridge, Ohio, has died at the age of 89. Evans eschewed the old maxim that sausage had to be made from the leftovers after carving other meat products, then founded a chain of restaurants to serve it.

Stocks and Molecular Bonds

His Eternal Experiment
Don Herbert, TV’s Mr. Wizard, has died of bone cancer at the age of 89. Attempts to revive him failed when an alligator clip slipped off the potato battery powering the defibrillator. Despite not having an advanced science degree, on Watch Mr. Wizard from 1951 to 1965, Herbert taught America’s youth like Ted Kaczynski and Timothy McVeigh how to cause fires and blow things up using simple household items while eschewing safety goggles or gloves. Attempts to branch out into other areas in which he was untrained were less successful, and he was sued for malpractice after Watch Mr. Surgeon encouraged children to remove their own appendix if they had abdominal pain and drove Enron into bankruptcy with his Watch Mr. Accountant instructional DVDs. Twenty-five years after leaving the air, Herbert was the second guest on the first episode of Late Night with David Letterman (and first to say, “Here comes the blowtorch”), reflective of either his lasting appeal or Letterman’s belief that he was only going to last a few weeks, so he should do whatever the hell he wanted. Herbert was parodied on Dinosaurs as Ask Mr. Lizard, a Bunson Honeydew-esque scientist burning through a seemingly inexhaustible supply of Timmys, his ill-fated student assistants. Per the instructions of his will, Herbert will lie in state in a pile of leaves and grass clippings to demonstrate decomposition.

The South of France

Or
Stock it to Me
The only France most redneck Red Staters had any use for has died at the age of 74. Bill France Jr., the man who turned America’s love affair with the left turn into a billion-dollar empire as the head of NASCAR, succumbed to bone cancer. After inheriting the reins of the backwoods bootleggers bacchanalia from his father, France got national partners, increased prize money and signed a billion-dollar TV contract as the Dukes of Hazzard Extended Dance Mix inexplicably became the fastest growing “sport” in the United States.

Rocky Road

Ernie Driscoll, the man responsible for Stroker Ace, The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing, Gator, Hooper and Sharkey’s Machine, has died at the age of 75. The former quarterback at North Carolina State was playing against a Florida State squad with a cornerback named Buddy Reynolds in 1957. Wide receiver Dick Christy ran out of bounds, went behind the Florida State bench and then returned to the field, catching a pass from Driscoll in stride and scoring the only points of the game. A confused Reynolds was left on the field, then got screamed at by coach Ted Nugent and left the Gators for good, packing up and moving to Hollywood with a new name, Burt.