Robert Z’Dar, the cult movie star with a chin that would impress Guy Smiley and Jay Leno, has died at the age of 64. Best known as Officer Matthew Cordell, the undead mass murdering titular Maniac Cop, upstaging fellow chin enthusiast Bruce Campbell, Z’Dar also played the Angel of Death in the MST3K’ed Soultaker, a cyborg in the MST3K’ed Future War, which was set in the present day and did not involve a war, replaced Rowdy Roddy Piper in the sequel to Hell Comes to Frogtown, crossed swords with the Samurai Cop, and had a brief foray into the mainstream, as prison inmate Face, in Tango & Cash. In all, he appeared in more than 120 films over the last 30 years, and was in production for Samurai Cop 2 when he died.
Chuck Bednarik, star of the last Philadelphia Eagles team to win a championship, has died at the age of 89. The last two-way star of the NFL, his bad assery was legendary, and despite playing on both offense as center and defense as a linebacker for much of his career, he missed just 3 games in 14 seasons – two of those games in his rookie season. In an exhibition game, his bicep tore away from the bone, falling into his forearm. He pulled it back into place and used tape to hold it in place. In a 1960 game, he hit Frank Gifford so hard he missed the rest of the season and the entire 1961 season, and was never the same player. That was also the year the Eagles beat the Green Bay Packers for the NFL Championship – the only title game that Vince Lombardi ever lost. At 35, Bednarilk was the oldest player on either team, but was on the field for 139 of the total 142 plays – 58 of the game’s 60 minutes – and made the game-saving tackle on Packer’s fullback Jim Taylor at the 9-yard-line, holding him on the ground as time expired, before telling Taylor “You can get up now, this fucking game is over.” Bednarik had worked in steel mills growing up, then flew bombing missions over Germany in World War II. Putting the GI Bill to use, he attended the University of Pennsylvania, where he excelled as a center, linebacker and occasional punter, earning All American honors twice, finishing 3rd in the 1948 Heisman trophy voting and winning the Maxwell Award, en route to being the top pick in the 1949 draft. Bednarik was elected to both the College Football and Pro Football Halls of Fame, and he is the namesake for the award given to the Best Collegiate Defensive Player. By extension, he was also the most accomplished concrete salesman in Pennsylvania, his offseason job throughout his time with the Eagles, earning him the nickname Concrete Charlie. Bednarik had little regard for modern NFL players, calling them “pussyfoots” (in his more generous moments), who "suck air after five plays." When Deion Sanders earned comparisons to Bednarik because he played offense and defense as wide receiver and cornerback, Bednarik was incensed and said that he "couldn't tackle my wife Emma." While earning him a bit of a “get these kids off my lawn” reputation, such blunt talk endeared him all the more to Philadelphia fans.
The Future Is Where He Will Spend the Rest of His Death
Gregory Walcott, star of what is unfairly called the worst film of all time, has died at the age of 87. The character actor had done several TV westerns when he was offered the lead in a low-budget sci-fi flick about aliens reanimating the dead. The mess of a movie by Writer-Director-Producer Edward D. Wood, Jr., replete with Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson and horror hostess Vampira wandering through a soundstage cemetery and shifting cardboard headstones, Bela Lugosi dying in mid-production and being replaced with Wood’s wife’s chiropractor, idiot cops adjusting their hat brims with their revolvers, TV psychic Criswell’s incoherent opening narration, and flying saucers on strings, known as Plan 9 From Outer Space is regarded as the worst film of all time by people who haven’t seen The Room or Cutthroat Island. Walcott was generally embarrassed by the film, but continued in minor roles in films like The Eiger Sanction and Norma Rae. Eventually he accepted his legacy, appearing in a cameo in Tim Burton’s Ed Wood and giving a copy of his script to the owners of Plan 9 Alehouse to use as wallpaper in the men’s room.
I want you to remember that no one ever won a talent contest by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his. Eugene Patton, aka Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, living example that everyone will be famous for 15 minutes, has died of complications in his blood and guts from diabetes at the age of 83. Patton was the first African-American member of the International Alliance of Theatrical and Stage Employees, Local 33 and was working as a stagehand on the set of The Gong Show when he was called upon to warm up the crowd before a show. Host Chuck Barris loved it so much that he had Patton dance on air in “spontaneous” performances, because reality TV hasn’t changed all that much in the last 40 years. The piano player would play the first few bars of "Jumpin' at the Woodside," Barris would act surprised and out would come Patton in his green windbreaker jacket, a painter's cap, bell-bottomed pants, and sneakers would shuffle across the stage. Eventually Patton graduated to dancing in every episode behind the rolling credits. Patton’s fame earned him cameos as himself in The Gong Show Movie and Barris’s fictional autobiography Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Patton put his time working with untalented hacks to use later as a camera man on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno."
Sam Simon, who managed to create something unfunny with George Carlin, has died at the age of 59 of colon cancer. Simon had been a writer and producer on Taxi and Cheers and put his schooling in those master classes to use in crafting The Simpsons, the longest-running sitcom of all time. Unlike some animated series, The Simpsons was developed using standard sitcom techniques, like having the writers work collectively and having the voice actors reads their parts as an ensemble to work out the show’s rhythm and timing. Simon also hired many of the show’s writers, helping to establish the show’s tone – anarchic, intelligent, sharply written, with a heart, but without being cloying – and to develop the fully formed and distinct characters who called Springfield home. Simon never expected the show to last, and told the writers they could do whatever they wanted, meaning the writers should push boundaries to find a unique comedic voice that they could be proud of. Co-creator Matt Groening took his approach as indifference to the show’s success, which contributed to their less than amicable split after just 4 seasons, though Simon continued to be listed as executive producer and draw tens of millions of dollars in residuals annually. Regardless of who’s version of history you believe, it’s hard to argue that the show began its decline as the writers Simon hired started to move on. Simon later went on to create The George Carlin Show, which ended after one year, with Carlin also considering Simon an insufferable prick with mental health issues. He eventually found a kindred spirit in Charlie Sheen, working as a consultant on Anger Management. After learning he was dying, Simon started giving away all his money, to causes including training service animals, supporting veterans, the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, an anti-whaling organization; PETA, who renamed their headquarters for him. The Sam Simon Foundation gave vegan meals to the homeless, with Simon explaining “They can eat all the meat they want. I’m just not going to pay for it.” Because vegans are self-important, joyless sociopaths who deserve to die ironic deaths with ravaged poop shoots.
Orestes “Minnie” Minoso, who
before becoming a side show gimmick was actually a pretty good baseball player,
has died at the age of 89 or 90 of a torn pulmonary artery. A standout in the Cuban
and Negro leagues before making the majors, he was the first black Latin
ballplayer in the major leagues and the first black White Sox player. He got
traded from the Indians to the White Sox in April 1951, as the Indians showed
the kind of foresight that has left them without a World Series title since
1948, and Minoso went on to finish 2nd in Rookie of Year voting and 4th
in MVP voting for the first of 4 times. A solid RBI man with good speed and
decent power, Minoso was a .298 career hitter, a 7-time All Star, 3-time Gold
Glove winner and retired as the White Sox leading HR hitter, and his batting
stance on top of the plate let him lead the league in hit by pitch a record 10
times. Minoso retired in 1964, but came back for cameo publicity stunts divined
by White Sox owner Bill Veeck in 1976 and 1980 to become the only 5-decade
player in 20th century major league history. A planned reprise in
1990 was kiboshed by Fay Vincent, wielding the best interest of baseball sword
he would later be hoisted upon. Veeck’s son Mike brought him back for 1 plate
appearance for the independent minor league St. Paul Saints each in 1993 and
2003, to give him 7 professional decades.
