Drop Dead Darling

(Props to Kirsti and Don)

Or

Picture Mommy Dead

(Kudos to Kirsti)

Or

Without a Leg to Stand On

Or

Greener Acres

(Acknowledgements to Monty)

Or 

Death of a Scoundrel

Zsa Zsa Gabor, Paris Hilton's ex-step-great-grandmother, the alleged cuckquean (actual word) to Anna Nicole Smith's tryst with Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, and predecessor to both in beav-baring celebrity spuriousness, has died at the age of 99. Gabor came to her uselessness honestly as a former beauty queen – Miss Hungary 1936 – and wannabe actress, with such credits as Lovely to Look At, We’re Not Married and Queen of Outer Space. Her goulash-thick accent and ample cleavage drew many suitors, and she went into the marrying business, collecting 8 ex-husbands, including hotelier Conrad Hilton and actor George Sanders. In another era, she might have been a much sought after courtesan, with her worldly airs, well-managed elegance, undeniable charm and quick wit. In the 20th century, she was a talk show guest, sharing stories – both factual and fictional – and quips with everyone from Milton Berle to Dinah Shore to Merv Griffin to Mike Douglas to Jack Paar to Johnny Carson to Howard Stern to David Frost to Arsenio Hall to Phil Donahue to Pat Sajak to Joan Rivers to David Letterman to Conan O’Brien. Her appearances sustained her famous-for-being-famous appeal, which also ensured guest spots on Bob Hope specials, Dean Martin Roasts, game shows like Hollywood Squares, an appearance as special guest villain Minerva on Batman, and a cameo in the first episode of legendary flop Supertrain. Although she was arrested for slapping a cop in 1989, in truth, her greatest crime was opening the door to the flotsam and jetsam of modern celebrity, the poor souls desperately craving attention who, upon tasting a bit of the limelight, are as hard to remove as dog shit from suede shoes, and about as welcome. Unlike the modern pretenders, Gabor knew to keep her appearances short and amply spaced to leave the audience looking for more witticisms like: “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house,” or "I believe in large families: Every woman should have at least three husbands."

Z’Dead

Robert Z’Dar, the cult movie star with a chin that would impress Guy Smiley and Jay Leno, has died at the age of 64. Best known as Officer Matthew Cordell, the undead mass murdering titular Maniac Cop, upstaging fellow chin enthusiast Bruce Campbell, Z’Dar also played the Angel of Death in the MST3K’ed Soultaker, a cyborg in the MST3K’ed Future War, which was set in the present day and did not involve a war, replaced Rowdy Roddy Piper in the sequel to Hell Comes to Frogtown, crossed swords with the Samurai Cop, and had a brief foray into the mainstream, as prison inmate Face, in Tango & Cash. In all, he appeared in more than 120 films over the last 30 years, and was in production for Samurai Cop 2 when he died. 

The Future Is Where He Will Spend the Rest of His Death

Gregory Walcott, star of what is unfairly called the worst film of all time, has died at the age of 87. The character actor had done several TV westerns when he was offered the lead in a low-budget sci-fi flick about aliens reanimating the dead. The mess of a movie by Writer-Director-Producer Edward D. Wood, Jr., replete with Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson and horror hostess Vampira wandering through a soundstage cemetery and shifting cardboard headstones, Bela Lugosi dying in mid-production and being replaced with Wood’s wife’s chiropractor, idiot cops adjusting their hat brims with their revolvers, TV psychic Criswell’s incoherent opening narration, and flying saucers on strings, known as Plan 9 From Outer Space is regarded as the worst film of all time by people who haven’t seen The Room or Cutthroat Island. Walcott was generally embarrassed by the film, but continued in minor roles in films like The Eiger Sanction and Norma Rae. Eventually he accepted his legacy, appearing in a cameo in Tim Burton’s Ed Wood and giving a copy of his script to the owners of Plan 9 Alehouse to use as wallpaper in the men’s room. 

M-I-C, See you in Hell, K-E-Y, Why? Because you’re dead

Jaime Mendoza-Nava, composer for “The Mickey Mouse Club” among other jobs, has died at 79. Recognized as a musical prodigy by the age of 11, he attended Julliard and took first prize at the Royal Conservatory in Madrid. Mendoza-Nava put his prodigious talents to work scoring music for more than 200 movies, including “The Vampire Hookers,” “Psycho from Texas,” “The Legend of Alfred Packer,” “Jailbait Babysitter” and “Terror in the Swamp.”

Life is Shorty

Irwin “Shorty” Yeaworth, who turned $140,000 and a lump of Jell-O into the box office hit and cult favorite The Blob, has died. Yeaworth also produced 4D Man and Dinosaurus! before turning his back on Hollywood and making hundreds of films with religious and social messages, none of which did him any good, as he died in a single car crash in Jordan. Perhaps a traffic safety video would have done him more good. Yeaworth also was in the process of completing a Disney World-style theme park of Jordanian history called Jordanian Experience at the Aqaba Gateway. You really can’t make this stuff up.

Tale from the Crypt

Legendary schlock horror director and producer Max Rosenberg, best known for such films as Tales From the Crypt and Dr. Terror's House of Horrors as well as the early rock 'n' roll movies Jamboree and Rock, Rock, Rock! has died at the age of 89. Rosenberg played a big role in bringing the Hammer films from England to the U.S., as their collaboration on the $500,000 film The Curse of Frankenstein netted a $7 million payoff and kicked off a revival of gothic horror films. Other hits included The Deadly Bees, They Came From Beyond Space, Dr Who and the Daleks, Daleks Invasion Earth: 2150 A D, Scream and Scream Again and The House That Dripped Blood.