And He's Falling Down the Stairway... to Heaven

Or
God to Ford: Drop Dead

Or
He Was Delicious (He was a former president. Do you want to say he wasn’t delicious?)
(An epitaphany surprisingly shared only with Mark)

Or
No Pardon for President Ford
(Props to Warren Fellman)

Or
Hark the Gerald Angels Sing
(Stolen from the Derby Dead Pool, where I am now in 35th)
Accidental and Accident-prone President Gerald Ford, whose term in the White House was more of a Constitutional test case than a Presidency, has died senselessly at the age of 93. One of two presidents to take office without having won a national election, Ford’s tenure in the Oval Office lasted 896 days. In that time, he became the first to survive two assassination attempts – and really, isn’t shooting at Gerald Ford like arguing with a bowl of vanilla ice cream? His term in office was defined and essentially ended by a decision made in his first month in office: the pardon of his predecessor Richard Nixon for his role in the Watergate break-in and cover-up. Although the move was largely unpopular at the time and drove his wife to drink, Ford argued he was ending the “long national nightmare” the Watergate scandal had become. Course, he also elevated Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to national prominence, so he laid the groundwork for our current national nightmare. As President, Ford also finished losing the Vietnam War, attempted to defeat inflation by having Americans wear “WIN” buttons, let New York City add financial to its moral bankruptcy, oversaw a swine flu epidemic where more people died from the vaccine than the flu, encouraged Suharto to kill one-third of the population of East Tumor, put the current most liberal member of the Supreme Court (John Paul Stevens) on the bench, couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time and assured the world that there was no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe. Prior to being appointed Vice President, Ford had served 13 terms in Congress, edited the Warren Commission report to move President Kennedy’s fatal wound 6 inches up from his back to his neck and was captain on the 1932 and 1933 Michigan national championship teams, playing, as Lyndon Johnson observed, without a helmet.

The wolves had been circling Ford for some time, so 13 Pooligans took a very small step forward. Chief among them was Mark’s Beltway Boneyard IV: Foreign Exchange, taking over first place as the first with 2 hits. The 12 of us sharing 12th place: Michelle’s As I Lay Dying, Joy, Matt, Jen, my The Family Plot Thickens, Shawn’s Team One – Oldest, Greg's Team Quincy, Dawn’s Go for the light, it’s right there, damn it, Nancy, Jenni, Monty’s D.C. Dead and Paul’s Pushing Daisies. Of note, that was Joy’s first hit in 2 years and 4 months – the longest active scoreless streak, and Jenni’s first in 16 months, the longest consecutive drought. The distinction of longest with their face pressed against the mortuary glass looking in now goes to Jeannie, sitting quietly since Curt Gowdy’s mike was silenced 10 months and 9 days ago.



Papa’s Got a Brand New Body Bag
(An epitaphany shared with Monty)

Or
AOOOOOOOOOOWWWW – I Don’t Feel So Good

Or
Dying in America
(An epitaphany shared by Mark and Monty)

Or
The Godfather's Soul
(More props for Monty)

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The Most Recently Deceased Man in Show Business
(Additional accolades for Monty)

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Get on Down (I'm a Croakin' Machine)
(Kudos for Mark)

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I'm Dead and I'm Proud
(Further Fooferaw for Mark)

Or
The Archangel of Soul
(Another cap tip to Mark)

Or
Dead at the Apollo
(Honorifics for Joe Wright)
James Brown is dead isn’t just an L.A. Style song anymore as the Godfather of Soul has succumbed to heart failure at the age of 73. Even as he lay in a hospital bed with pneumonia on Christmas Eve, the pompadoured dynamo told friends that he was looking forward to his New Year’s Eve gig. But decades as the hardest working man in show biz, as well as a tanker full of alchohol and a chemistry set, had taken their toll and this time he did not emerge from under the cape. Brown spent 50 years defining soul, rhythm, disco, hip-hop, rap and dance music and influencing generations of musicians with such hits as ''Papa's Got A Brand New Bag'' and ''I Got You (I Feel Good).'' He was one of the founding class of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, won two Grammys for recordings and one lifetime achievement award. On stage, Brown was a whirling dervish, routinely losing two to three pounds over the course of a performance and, in the days when he was not headlining, making closing acts, including the Rolling Stones, very nervous at having to follow him.

Dudley Do-Nothing
Chris Hayward, who created Dudley Do-Right, the Mountie who succeeds despite his best efforts, has died at the age of 81. He also was a co-creator of The Munsters, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Barney Miller and was a primary writer on Get Smart. Hayward helped make The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle the standard for cartoon genius for decades with a litany of awful puns and sharp satire: In one story, the plot requires Bullwinkle to survive a week in the Abominable Manor in England, he says, "Shucks, I've been livin' in an abominable manner all my life!" In one of Aesop and Son’s Fables, Aesop says "Barking dogs seldom bite," in a story about a dog and his stolen false teeth. Junior, his son, retorts: "Nothing dentured, nothing gained."

Dead Turkmen Don’t Wear Plaid
The man who reduced Turkmenistan Idol to a kazoo contest has died at the age of 66. Saparmurat Niyazov’s authoritarian regime was renowned for it’s randomness and self-aggrandizement. Turkmenbasy, his official title, was liberally applied to official placenames, making him roughly the equivalent of peaches in Atlanta. The self-appointed Leader of all Ethnic Turkmens, Niyazov’s face appeared on his country’s currency, his portrait adorned all major public buildings, streets and the cabins of state-run airplanes and a giant gold-plated statue of him topped the Neutrality Arch in the center of the capital city, rotating constantly to face the sun and reflect light into driver’s eyes. He renamed a town, several schools, airports, a meteorite, the months of the year and the days of the week after himself and his family. And what’s the fun in being a totalitarian dictator if you can’t mix in a little capriciousness? He banned ballet, opera, long hair and beards, make-up for news readers, video games, the Internet, lip synching and recorded music. Libraries were closed, but all textbooks except the Ruhnama, Niyazov’s manifesto of revisionist history and moral guidelines had been banned, so it wasn’t a total loss. Young men were encouraged to chew on bones to preserve their teeth rather than be fitted with gold teeth.

Dog-gone
Cheap Seats lovers everywhere are in mourning as Anne Rogers Clark, the first female dog handler to win best in show at the Westminster Kennel Club, has gone to grandmom’s farm to have more room to run around. Winner of best-in-show honors in 1956, 1959 and 1961 and a judge at 22 other shows, she was a very good dog handler. Oh yes she was. Oh yes she was.

Au Revoir, Mon Sherry
Larry Sherry, MVP of the 1959 World Series as a reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers, has died after a long battle with cancer at the age of 71. Sherry recorded two saves and two wins, including the deciding 6th game as the Dodgers won the championship in their second year in LA, more salt in the wounds of Brooklynites that had endured 54 “next” years before taking the title.

Sad Times
Mike Evans, the original Lionel Jefferson on All in the Family and The Jeffersons, has died of throat cancer at the age of 57. Evans had to leave the show after 4 seasons to spend more time on Good Times, where he was co-creator and primary writer of one of the first original shows with a predominantly black cast. After Good Times devolved from socially relevant sitcom to a Dy-no-mite-athon thanks to JJ Walker, Evans returned for the final two seasons of The Jeffersons.

Brown and Out
Chris Brown, best remembered as the Padres third baseman with a propensity for unusual excuses for failing to reach his potential, including missing a game with a strained eyelid after sleeping on an eye wrong and another with a bruised tooth, has died at the age of 45 from injuries sustained in a suspicious fire that he may or may not have started or may or may not have been the work of the men he claims had tied him up and robbed him but who may or may not have existed. The second suspicious death of a Giants infielder from the 1980s in the last month has Columbo, Dan Brown and Oliver Stone trying to put together the pieces. After his baseball career ended in disappointment, he bounced around in odd jobs before ending up in Iraq driving trucks for Halliburton.

Defaulted
(Can I get a whoop-whoop for Mark?)
Robert Stafford, the Boston University Law School graduate who served as governor, congressman and senator from the hippie commune of Vermont has died at the age of 93. Stafford is best remembered for the namesake federal student loan program that allows students to attend universities well beyond their means, leading to lifestyles also well beyond their means.

Yabba Dabba Doomed

Or
Exit, Stage Left

Or
Yoinks

Or
Deader than the Average Barbera
Joseph Barbera, the man who found joy in snapping cat’s tongue’s in mousetraps, wanton theft of pic-a-nic baskets by Yogi Bear, blatant drug abuse by Shaggy and plagiarism of the Honeymooners, has died at the age of 95. Barbera and his partner in crime William Hanna also perpetuated Hispanic stereotypes in Baba Looey, gay stereotypes in pink panther knock-off Snagglepuss and Southern yokel stereotypes in Huckleberry Hound. His international bearing rivaled John Bolton’s as he depicted the Chinese as inscrutable in The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan, French Canadians as well-meaning canucks with Loopy de Loop and Africans as scheming or humorless in Lippy the Lion and Hardy Har Har. Hanna and Barbera attempted to undermine the nuclear family, suggesting a scientist, a barely ept pilot/guide/adventurer, an Indian servant and a bulldog dragging a young boy around the world in constant danger was an appropriate way to raise young Jonny Quest. The Jetsons was thinly disguised Communist subterfuge advocating a two-day button-pushing workweek as the utopian future. Sharp increases in childhood obesity can be tied to the glorification of the rotund Peter Potamus, and America’s children have been found to lag behind other countries due in part to the revisionist history of The Roman Holidays and The Funky Phantom, Yankee Doodle Mouse, Stop the Pigeon and Dastardley and Muttley and Their Flying Machines. Barbera waded hip-deep into the evolution debate, creating a world where man and ape and talking dinosaur were contemporaries in Bedrock. His death from natural causes comes as a relief, as like Salmon Rushdie, Barbera had lived under threat of a fatwa for decades for his treatment of Morocco Mole.

Two Pooligans split the whole Magilla Gorilla for this hit, as Monty’s U.N. Dead and Mike’s Trash teams move into third with 1 hit and 10 points.

4 hits in 8 days is clearly a flurry, but it’s only the third best –
4 hits in 4 days (April 2 to April 6, 2005 - Pope John Paul II, Saul Bellow, Dale Messick, Prince Rainier)
4 hits in 6 days (July 17 to July 23, 2005 – Edward Heath, William Westmoreland, James Doohan and Myron Floren)

For the curious, the record for fastest 5 hits is 12 days: July 17 to July 29 – the above list plus the Incomparable Hildegarde

Lay Aretha on his Grave
(Props to someday Pooligan Tim)

Or
Ertegun Gone
(More kudos to interested observer Tim)
Video may have killed the radio star, but live music killed the record producer as Atlantic Records founder Ahmet Ertegun has died after being in a coma for a month following a fall at a Rolling Stones concert. Ertegun’s ear for star potential kept the Atlantic tide rising whether American tastes that week were into R&B (Ray Charles), soul (Aretha Franklin), rock (Cream and Led Zeppelin) or pop (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young). Ertegun also helped kick off the biggest Battle of the Bands, signing The Rolling Stones for his beachhead in the British Invasion to counter The Beatles. On the other hand – The Bee Gees, ABBA and Sonny & Cher were all his doing.

Chiefs Chief Checks Out

He not only helped make the Super Bowl happen, but gave it a name. Lamar Hunt, owner of the Kansas City Chiefs and namesake of the really hideous trophy the winner of the American Football Conference receives, has died of complications from prostate cancer at the age of 74. The NFL laughed and called him names, refusing to allow him to buy a team to play any football games, so with Bud Adams, he founded the American Football League, owning the Dallas Texans. Seeking to quash the new league, the NFL expanded to Dallas with the Cowboys and offered Hunt a piece of the team, but he refused to abandon the 7 owners who had followed his lead. The NFL won the battle as the Texans, were the 1962 AFL champs but couldn’t compete with the Dallas Cowboys and Hunt moved the team to Kansas City, but Hunt won the war as he helped force the AFL-NFL merger. Hunt had already helped the NFL save itself, coming up with the ideas of revenue sharing and shared TV contracts that the NFL stole. Course this was also the man who traded his archrival Raiders a quarterback because they had lost two quarterbacks to injury. Fittingly, Hunt’s Chiefs were the AFL’s first Super Bowl team, then the second AFL team to win, in Super Bowl IV, and he was the first man from the AFL to make the Football Hall of Fame. One of the few legitimate sons of billionaire H.L. Hunt, Lamar lacked the old man’s acumen in every arena but sports. Attempting to corner the silver market was cute, if 100 years too late. He and Cliff Barnes were the only men to lose money on oil in the 1980s. But if there was a ball involved, he was money. In addition to his successful football franchise, he owned the minor league baseball Dallas-Fort Worth Spurs, but was denied in his efforts to bring a major league team to town, was an original investor in the Chicago Bulls and was the last remaining original owner, was an original investor in the North American Soccer League and owned the 1971 NASL Champion Dallas Tornado, started the first organized tennis tour, World Championship Tennis, and was an original investor in Major League Soccer, owning the Dallas, Kansas City and Columbus franchises. In all, Hunt was inducted into 8 halls of fame.

I was the only Pooligan to go Hunting and scored a solo hit to pull into a first place tie with Cathy with 1 hit and 20 points, as we are officially in the middle of a flurry with 3 hits in as many days.

Ferry Cross the Styx
A pathetic tragedy I will relate concerning poor Fred Marsden’s fate. Marsden, drummer of Gerry and the Pacemakers, has died at the age of 66 of cancer. Gerry and the Pacemakers, which included Marsden’s brother Gerry on lead vocal, were the second band signed out of Liverpool by Brian Epstein, but were the first to have a No. 1 single with How Do You Do It? in 1963, followed that year by another chart-topper, I Like It. Other hits included You'll Never Walk Alone,Ferry Cross the Mersey, and Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying, co-written by Fred. The Pacemakers dis-banded in 1967 and Fred established the Pacemaker driving school.

Peter's on the Fritz

(Props to Monty)

Or
Holy Crap
(An epitaphany shared with Monty and Mark)

Or
Boyled Over
(Kudo’s to Monty’s colleague Mark)

Or
Everybody Loves Raymond’s Dead Father
(Another cap tip to Monty)

Or
Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose
(A shared epitaphany for Mark and Craig, who wonders if he saw it coming)
Peter Boyle, crazy G.I. turned monk turned big, tall and bald actor, died Tuesday at the age of 71. Boyle first gained notice as the bigoted, hippie-beating sociopath Joe in the film of the same name. Put off by the reaction to the violent scenes, Pete declined to become Popeye Boyle and turned down the lead in The French Connection. Gene Hackman showed his gratitude for the career-making role by torching, drenching and scalding Boyle’s monster in Young Frankenstein, a role that broadened Boyle’s screen image from angry man to angry man and mute tap dance man. He may be best known as Frank Barone, Ray’s loud, obnoxious, gluttonous, abusive father on Everybody Loves Raymond, for which he earned 6 Emmy nominations in 10 years. Other roles included Robert Redford’s cynical campaign manager in The Candidate; Joe Bash, a lonely beat cop with a hooker girlfriend in a short-lived ’80s series; Wizard, Travis Bickle’s cabbie sensei in Taxi Driver; Andy Sipowicz’ AA sponsor on NYPD Blue; a mental patient with a God complex in The Dream Team and Clyde Bruckman, a psychic insurance salesman in an Emmy winning guest spot on The X-Files.

Rookie Cathy was the only Pooligan to make the Frank assessment and scores the solo hit to take over first place.

Harvey-derci
Sid Raymond, a prolific character actor best remembered for voicing two of Harvey Comics most durable characters, has died at the age of 97. Raymond’s career spanned from Beany and Cecil to The O.C., but he’s best remembered for the British and Brooklynese accents of Heckle and Jeckle and the oafish man/duck(?)child Baby Huey. He also voiced Katnip, a cat outfoxed by Herman the mouse in an early cartoon series.

In Darkest Night…
(Additional accolades for Craig)
The Grim Reaper apparently waves a yellow wood and aluminum scythe. Martin Nodell, the creator of Green Lantern has died at the age of 91. Nodell saw a train operator waving a green lantern to signal a train in 1940 and developed the story of Alan Scott, a train crash survivor who discovers a lantern forged from a green meteor. The ring Scott fashions from the lantern gives him super powers allowing him to fight crime, including zombie Solomon Grundy. Nodell left comics for advertising and was part of the team that developed the Pillsbury Doughboy in the 1960s.

No Va
Paul Arizin, named one of the 50 greatest players in basketball history, died last night at the age of 78. Ironically, the asthmatic Arizin wasn’t good enough to make his own high school team but starting at Villanova University and continuing to the old Philadelphia Warriors, Arizin was one of the first players to popularize the jump shot, first adopted because wet gym floors kept him from getting good footing on his hook shots. Arizin took Villanova to the NCAA Tournament and has the second highest scoring game in Division I history with 85. In his 11-year NBA career, he made 10 All-Star Teams, won the 1952 MVP, led the Warriors to the 1956 championship, won two scoring titles and was the fastest scorer to reach 10,000 points. When the Warriors left Philadelphia in 1962, Arizin didn’t, retiring rather than leaving his hoops home.

Pinochet Noir

Or
General Strike
(Stolen from the Derby Dead Pool, where I am now in 40th (out of 240)
Augusto Pinochet has found a way to avoid prosecution for his unique approach to population control, succumbing to complications from a heart attack at the age of 91. Pinochet led a military coup-de-état in 1973, overthrowing democratically elected Chilean president Salvador Allende, who was a little too lefty for America’s liking. During a 17-year reign as president, more than 3,000 residents were killed or disappeared. Thousands of others were expelled or fled. Pinochet left office in 1990 after losing a referendum for an extension of his presidential term, but he did take the title of Senator-for-life, which had kept him immune from prosecution until his arrest in London in 1998. He spent the next 8 years of his life playing Oddfather to avoid prosecution. Prosecutorial efforts revealed he had a bank account with more than $24 million, which cost him the support of all but his most ardent admirers.

This was the first time in GHI history that the first hit of the year was not a solo hit as 7 Pooligans expected Pinochet’s Chile reception: Michelle’ The Quick and the Dead, James (who takes a share of first place for the first time ever with his first hit in 15 months), Shawn’s Team One – Old, Tom’s Addition by Subtraction (who’s in first for the first time since August 2004), Kirsti’s You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby (Circa Nineteen Aught Two), Mike’s Academic Team and Mark’s Beltway Boneyard IV: Foreign Exchange. There’s a reason for Rosenberg’s First Rule of the Dead Pool, and Matt and I forgot that, dropping Pinochet a little too soon.

U.S. Ambassador to the Afterlife
(Props to Monty)
Jeane Kirkpatrick, whose torrid affair with Bill the Cat led them to be banned from the Russian Tea Room, died in her sleep at the age of 80. Kirkpatrick also served as the first UN ambassador of the Reagan Administration and was the first woman ever to serve in that post. Kirkpatrick was a strident advocate of the neocon world view – think John Bolton with a better trimmed mustache. Kirkpatrick was part of Reagan’s foreign policy inner circle as a influential member of his National Security Planning Group, where she advocated for clandestine warfare in Central America, covert operations against Libya, the Iran-Contra policy, the disastrous deployment of American marines in Lebanon, the invasion of Grenada, Argentina’s invasion of the Falkland Islands and support for Osama bin Laden and the rebel forces in Afghanistan. For a time, Kirkpatrick was seriously considered as a potential presidential candidate before she threw her support to George the First in 1988.

Uribe Derci
(Kudos to Joe Wiright)
Jose Uribe, one of the thousands of disposable shortstops to come out of the Dominican Republic in the 1980s, died in a car crash at the age of 47. Uribe spent 9 years in the majors, primarily with the San Francisco Giants, with single seasons in St. Louis and Houston.

And 2007 Begins

And the search for the 6th Angel of Death begins.

Among the notables this year…

Congratulations to Lady Bird Johnson, who has topped Pope John Paul II as the greatest confounder in Dead Pool history, appearing on 53 lists. Now that the point’s been made, … For the second year in a row, Johnson is the most common pick, tying Brooke Astor and Gerald Ford to offer lots of lists few points. The rookie of the year is Ariel Sharon with 8 selections. Of note, Warren Zevon is the only top rookie to actually come through.

A new record with 51 lists, and apparently Vladimir Putin decided not to submit after his listees started dropping a little too soon.

This year marks the first time anyone’s been listed specifically based on suspicion that they might get whacked by a soon-to-be ex. Also, our first two-generation selection, of sorts, with Louis Farrakhan joining the Moms of the Nation of Islam, Ruby Muhammad.

As we start 2006-06, Joy Foder has gone the longest without a hit, August 8, 2004, when she and everybody else scored with Fay Wray. Joy did take the 2004-05 season off to find herself, so the longest continuous streak goes to Jenni Prokopy who’s had nothing but nope since the Pope in April ’05.

A refresher on the spreadsheet has the entries (1), a breakdown of how many times peeps were picked so you don’t have to do the math to see how many points Al “Grampa” Lewis is worth (2.85714286) (2), headlines (3), the all-time targets, to track tends (4), the reapers so you can track your own success – active names in bold (5), average top finish – yes, we’re all technically first, but I didn’t want the newbies to get too full of themselves (6), and past year’s final results and headlines. The early years are a little spotty as my neuroses had yet to fully take hold.

I’ll see many of you and/or your designated representatives in the next couple weeks. Otherwise, let’s see the cash.

2006 Champion

Well, I hate to disappoint everyone, but I failed to repeat as champion. Congratulations to Paul, the 5th champion in as many years for the George Harrison Invitational Dead Pool, winning a close won over second-time bridesmaid Greg, 6 points back, and Craig, 7 1/3 points back despite at one point having gone more than a year without a hit. Results unofficial until Dec. 7 in case Beverly Cleary is found facedown under an overpass and it takes time to locate her dental records.

Consolation prizes for geographic bragging rights:
Greg – first place, ChicagoLand Division and Boston University alum Division
Craig – first place, Michigan Division
Jen – first place, Slack Division
Paul – also first place, Massachusetts Division

We set a record for hits this year with 37, but this was a well-spread cemetery – this year’s winner would have finished 7th last year.

This was the 5th year for the GHI Among the things that failed to last 5 years – the United States Football League, Michael Ovitz’ tenure at Disney, Nick and Jessica, New Coke and Dwight Eisenhower’s first son.

A shout-out to the 5 who have stuck around from the start: Mark, Greg, Kirsti, Michelle and your curmudgeonly deathmeister. And an enough already to the 13 who have been taunting us every year with their inexplicable vigor: Ingmar Bergman, Ray Bradbury, Kirk Douglas, Steven Hawking, Jesse Helms, Whitney Houston, Lady Bird Johnson, Harry Morgan, Augusto Pinochet, Mickey Rooney, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Gloria Stuart and Abe Vigoda.