William Safire Died.*

(* Not particularly interesting or amusing, but I wanted to ensure this obituary included at least one sentence with complete grammatical accuracy. Or is it insure…?)

Or
We Didn’t Start William Safire

Or
No more Whoppers Jr. for him!
(Kudos to Michelle)
William Safire, anal retentive grammarian, Nixon speechwriter and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, has died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 79. The cunning linguist was an acolyte of alliteration and assonance, delighting in such blunt bon mots as “nattering nabobs of negativism” and “hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.” In addition to his 32 years afflicting the comfortable of nations near and far, Safire legendarily leveraged a litany of lexicographical legerdemain into a New York Times column “On Language,” offering such helpful guidance as remember to never split an infinitive, take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors, proofread carefully to see if you words out, avoid cliches like the plague, and don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

Helter Skeleton

Susan Atkins, the reason Roman Polanski is currently residing in a Swiss prison, has died of brain cancer at the age of 61, doing her part to help alleviate the California budget crisis. The classic sexually abused middle child of alcoholic parents turned high school dropout topless dancer, Atkins was working both the nature and nurture sides of the crazy street when she met a wannabe Monkee with an interesting take on life. Joining Charlie Manson’s family, she found a new name (Sadie Mae Glutz) and a place for herself. Unfortunately, that place was holding down Polanski’s wife Sharon Tate during the family’s brutal slaying spree, tasting her blood then using it to write “PIG” on the door. Generous to a fault, Tate stayed in the getaway car the next evening to give others the chance to enjoy another night’s carnage. With Atkins bragging about the killings to anyone who’d listen and taunting the court to lock their doors and watch their kids, it didn’t exactly take Jack McCoy to earn a conviction and the death sentence for the 7 murders. Her sentence was reduced to life imprisonment when California abolished the death penalty. But she did have to give up her baby - Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz. In prison, Atkins became a born-again Christian, but kept the crazy coming – a prison marriage to Donald Lee Laisure, a self-described Texas multimillionaire who spelled his name with a dollar sign instead of an ‘s’ and was looking for his 36th wife, then a second one to her lawyer. After being diagnosed with brain cancer, she appealed for compassionate release, ironic after telling Tate that she had no mercy for her and her unborn child.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (Selma, Legs and Gregg…)

(A joint effort with Terry)
Lucy Vodden, created by The Beatles publicists to provide a back story for the origin of the classic “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” and hide the true nature of the psychedelic anthem, has died of lupus at the age of 46. The classmate of Julian Lennon was allegedly the subject of the little Lennon’s drawing and provided the cure to Papa Lennon’s writer’s block while putting together Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

We turn to Mr. Shatner for the definitive version of the song:

Exterminated

Robert Ginty, who gave hope to bland, flabby, unappealing character actors who aspired to star as the anti-hero in action films, has died of cancer at the age of 60. Best remembered as “the Paper Chase” guy during Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffing of his performance in Warrior of the Lost World, which was much better than the Finder of the Lost Loves, he also starred in The Exterminator franchise (both movies), Gold Raiders and The Scarab, Cop Target and The Alchemist, some of Europe’s finest dubbed actioners. He also was the member of Black Sheep Squadron with the permanent sinus condition on Baa Baa Black Sheep, was the drunk driver who almost killed Phillip Drummond while he was on his way to his surprise 50th birthday party, and was nominated for a Cable ACE award for directing an episode of Dream On. Giving lie to the idea that the hardest thing about Harvard University was getting in, this impressive resume earned him a stint as artist in residence inside its ivied walls.

Snuff the Magic Dragon

Or
Petered Out, Pall Bearers and Mary
(Props to Don)

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Leaving in a Pine Box
(Kudos to Monty)

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Blowin’ in the Wind
(Accolades for Monty)

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Peter, Paul and Buried
(Flourishes for Phil)

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Leaving on a Black Hearse
(Whoop Whoop for Terry)

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Peter, Paul, and ...Mary. Mary? Oh boy...
(Huzzah for Peter)

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I'm Leavin'....
(Cap tip for Peter)

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Mary Traversed the Great Divide
(Approbations for Phil)

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If She Had A Hammer, She'd Still Be Dead
(Further fondness for Phil)
Dirty hippy chick Mary Travers, who interrupted the Peter and Paul sausage fest on such folk nonsense as If I Had a Hammer, Where Have All the Flowers Gone?, and Leavin’ on a Jet Plane, has died of complications from leukemia treatment at the age of 72. The trio tempered Bob Dylan’s raw protest anthems Blowin’ in the Wind and Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right into more palatable pap, while trying to subvert America’s youth with their dope tribute to Puff the Magic Dragon and little Jackie Paper. Unlike many other groups that loved America, Peter, Paul and especially Mary were dedicated to its violent overthrow, with outspoken support for the civil-rights and antiwar movements, and performances at the 1963 March on Washington and the voting-rights marches from Selma to Montgomery, Ala., in 1965.

Brand: Scorned as the One Who Ran Out Bobby Knight

Or
Bobby Knight 1, Myles Brand 0
(Rock on, Terry)
Myles Brand, head of an organization so idiosyncratic and corrupt it could pass for a Central Asian government, has died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 67. The NCAA president had previously made a name for himself as the guy who ensured disciplined mediocrity at Indiana University when he fired the colorful, if somewhat violent, Bobby Knight after he violated the “no tolerance” provision of his employment by grabbing an impudent student.

Cusick as a Dog

Fred Cusick, who did more in hockey than any other Northeastern hockey alum, has died at the age of 90, on the eve of his induction into the Massachusetts Broadcasters Hall of Fame. Broadcasters inducted prior to Cusick include Tom Bergeron, best known for evoking the emotion and import of getting punched in the groin, Bozo the Clown and hairdo Joyce Kulhawik. Good call guys. Between radio, television and cable, Cusick called Boston Bruins hockey for 45 years. He also called the first network NHL broadcast, for CBS in January 1957 and the first game in the history of the second incarnation of the American Football League, between the Denver Broncos and the Boston Patriots from Boston University’s Nickerson Field. The first American named to the Hockey Hall of Fame’s Broadcaster Wing in 1984, he came out of a brief retirement to spend 5 seasons as the home voice of the American Hockey League’s Lowell Lock Monsters.

Dead Dawn

Or
Dirty Napping

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Corner 1, Baby 0
(Commendations for James)

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Somebody Put Johnny in a Coffin

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Demi Moore finally ditches stalker from beyond!
(Honorifics for Shawn)

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Dirt Dancing
(Oye, Oye for Don)

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Apparently Ghost 2 is now in pre-production…
(Huzzah for Don)

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Dancing with the Corpses
(Holla, for Monty)

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Nobody puts baby in a corner, but you can put Swayze in the box......
(Acclamation for Phil)

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Slow Dancing, Swayze to the Music....
(Blue ribbon for Phil)

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His name.....was Dalton
(Praise for Phil)

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If only Dr. Clay was an oncologist.....
(Phil going deep)

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So did he go to the light or did those dark crappy CGI-type creatures come get him?
(Shawn, also paying too much attention)

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What do you mean he’s dead…I just saw him in Roadhouse last night? (Reason #32 in the latest Rolling Stone to “Watch TV”)
(Shawn goes meta)

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Drats…I just put him down on a list for next year’s pool!
(Shawn, back to the drawing board)

Or
Road House Blues
(Hosannas for Don )
Patrick Swayze, the poor woman’s John Travolta, has died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 57. The incredibly limited actor got his first big break as the pseudo-patriarch of The Outsiders, the worst compilation of young actors this side of a Baldwin home movie. Next came the cult classic Red Dawn, about the Soviet takeover of America that starts in a tiny town in the middle of Colorado. Then came the big time as the dance instructor at the Catskills resort who seduces underage girls and cougars in Dirty Dancing. The uplifting Ghost tells his from-beyond-the-grave love story with Demi Moore, incredulously giving Whoopi Goldberg an Oscar in the process. Other roles included a cameo on MASH as Pvt. Sturgis, whose desire to stay with his comrade despite being diagnosed with leukemia inspires a moving sermon from Father Mulcahy during a visit from a traveling cardinal, the surfing thief in Point Break, a motivational speaker/pedophile in Donnie Darko, philosopher-bouncer Dalton in Road House, earning a Razzie, a classic Saturday Night Live skit where he narrowly edged out Chris Farley for a spot as a Chippendales dancer, and the reprise of Johnny Castle, 20 years after Dirty Dancing in the prequel, set 6 years earlier.

Bye, Henry Gibson

(Kudos to Monty)

Or
Hello Charlotte
(Props to Peter C)
Henry Gibson, the priest and poet of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In has died of cancer at the age of 73. He got his start in a comic duo with Jon Voight in the 1960s. Anyone who could make that pairing funny had to have a future in comedy and he got tapped to join the Not Ready for Late Night cast of Laugh-In, most notably as the stoic priest dishing one-liners in the quick-cut cocktail party sketches and toting a giant flower while reciting poetry that was alternately sardonic and moronic. His other best known role was the leader of the Illinois Nazis that so riled Jake and Elwood in The Blues Brothers. He tried to kill Tom Hanks in The ‘burbs during Hanks’ mostly fallow period between being drunk Uncle Ned and becoming the most popular actor in the history of cinema. Gibson drew attention for a dramatic role as the smarmy superpatriot country star Haven Hamilton, winning a Golden Globe nomination, got fired for smoking in Gremlins 2, and most recently played Judge Clark Brown on Boston Legal, constantly commenting on the “out-rageous” behavior of Allan Shore and Denny Crain.

Somber Waves of Grain

Norman Borlaug, the reason your next customer support call will be fielded by Raheesh Patel in Bangaloor, has died at the age of 95 from a wheat allergy. Borlaug, the only agronomist to earn a shout-out on the top-ranked show on network television, came closer than anyone ever has to buying the world a Coke and teaching it harmony. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1970 for his development of a wheat hybrid that did not collapse under its own weight, thus increasing yield, and allowing countries with uncontrolled population booms such as Mexico, Pakistan and India to feed their own citizenry; in effect, preventing them from also collapsing under their own weight. His breakthrough led to other semidwarf hybrids, although I believe semi-little plant is the preferred term, such as rice in China and the Philippines. He is one of only 5 people to win the Nobel Peace Prize, the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Gold Medal.

You Catholic Boys Die Much Too Late

(Props to Don)

Or
Person Who Died
(Additional accolades for Don)
Jim Carroll, lover of drugs and hoops, has died of a heart attack at the age of 60. Carroll kept a series of diaries of his life on the streets playing basketball, getting lucky, turning tricks and getting high, which was published in 1978 as The Basketball Diaries and filmed in 1995 starring Leonardo DiCaprio. After slightly cleaning himself up, he turned into a punk rocker, best known for his song People Who Died.

Suicide May be Painless, but Metastasis is a Bitch

Larry Gelbart, the genius whose caustic wit brought M*A*S*H to the small screen and whose absence let the show slip into preachy sermonizing, has died of cancer at the age of 81. With Gene Reynolds, Gelbart produced and developed M*A*S*H, writing and directing many episodes over the first 4 years and setting the tone for the show, with a talented ensemble cast, multiple plots and mixing of snappy one-liners and slapstick comedy with the drama of war. Gelbart’s career began in radio as a joke writer for Jack Paar, Eddie Cantor and Bob Hope, before moving to TV with Red Buttons and Sid Caesar. Gelbart was at home in any medium, with Tonys and Emmys and Oscar nominations to his credit. In addition to M*A*S*H, he wrote the book for Broadway hit A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, and the screenplays for Oh, God! and Tootsie.

Don’t Know Why, There’s No Sun Up in the Sky, Stormy Weather

Frank Batten, who built a network out of the idle chatter and guesswork that takes up 10 minutes of every local news broadcast – 15 minutes if it rains, snows, or is hot, or is going to rain, snow or be hot, or they had predicted it was supposed to rain, snow or be hot and it wasn’t, has died at the age of 82. Batten was watching a TV test pattern and decided that turning the colors into blobs and having them move in an incessantly repeating pattern would prove comforting for old people and lull them into remote control inertia. The same phenomenon was later applied by the producers of According to Jim.

Army of None

Army Archerd, snoop of the stars who bridged the gap from Rona Barrett to Perez Hilton, has died of mesothelioma at the age of 87, but hopefully not before he calling for a free consultation from the law offices of James Sokolove. He reveled in celebrity gossip and tales of hospitalizations, births, marriages, breaking the news of Warren Beatty’s, and near marriages, like Julia Roberts playing runaway bride on Keifer Sutherland, for more than 50 years for Variety. His most notable news break was outing Rock Hudson, who was undergoing treatment for AIDS in 1985. He also opened the door for award show red carpet fawning idiots like Ryan Seacrest and the Riverses, having been the fawning idiot greeter at the Academy Awards for years.