Cornered

David Mills, who liked to poke Whitey with a stick, has died of an apparent brain aneurysm on the set of the new HBO series Treme at the age of 48. Mills, a light-skinned black journalist, was in an ideal position to explore race relations on some of the best television of the last decade, including The Corner, where he won two Emmys, NYPD Blue, where he wrote about Andy Sipowicz’s prickly relationship with his black commanding officer, ER, where he created the character of Rocket Romano and his collaborations with David Simon: The Wire, and Homicide: Life on the Streets and Treme, which premiered tonight.

Stand and Deliver? That Might Be a Little More Difficult Now....

(Props to Phil)
Jaime Escalante, who helped Crips and Bloods calculate the area under the curve, has died of bladder cancer at the age of 79. Escalante’s efforts to bring calculus to the barrio were immortalized in the 1988 film Stand and Deliver, where he was played by Edward James Olmos. One of Escalante’s first classes of students were accused of cheating, and their subsequent vindication made him a national figure, and pissed off colleagues who were more interested in tenure and getting summers off and didn’t like getting showed up a guy who was changing lives and inspiring kids.

No More Rooking in the Free World

Vasily Vasilyevich Smyslov, former Soviet and Russian chessmaster, has died at the age of 89. The Brooklyn Dodgers of international chess, he was World Chess Champion from 1957 to 1958, losing on 8 other occasions. He was twice equal first at the Soviet Championship (1949, 1955), but in Communism, isn’t everyone equal? His total of 17 Chess Olympiad medals is the all time record, and in five European Team Championships, Smyslov won ten gold medals. Smyslov was widely regarded as a cunning innovator, developing lots of tactics I won’t even pretend to understand, and earning a character being named after him by Stanley Kubrick in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Don had him last year before abandoning us

Dead Dead Dead, Dead Dead Dead

Like Romulus, Remus and Bugsy Siegel, Chet Simmons wandered into a barren land and vowed to the heavens he would make an empire. Like Romulus and Remus, he saw a future among the hills. Like Siegel, he knew degenerate gamblers needed 24-hour access to the latest betting lines. Simmons, the first president of ESPN and founder of the modern city of Bristol, Connecticut, has died at the age of 81. In the early days, ESPN programming included Division III women’s volleyball, midget car racing and Australian rules football, but finding an audience for obscure sports was nothing new for Simmons, who started Wide World of Sports at ABC based around buzkashi bonspiels. Eventually, Simmons helped make SportsCenter must-see TV, convinced Americans they wanted to watch every agonizing minute of the NFL draft and scored the rights to early-round NCAA tournament games before the networks fully appreciated their potential. Simmons lost a power struggle and was forced out in 1982, picking a new start-up to shepherd: the United States Football League, with a bit less success.

I Spry? Apparently not.

(Meritorious mention for Mark)

Or
I Die
Robert Culp, half the impetus behind every biracial buddy TV show and movie over the last 40 years, has died of a heart attack at the age of 79. Culp spent 3 years as Kelly Robinson, secret agent posing as a tennis bum, with Bill Cosby as Alexander Scott, posing as his trainer on I Spy from 1965 to 1968. Culp got nominated for Emmys each year, each time losing to Cosby in the start of their twisted relationship – Cosby co-starred with Culp in Culp’s directorial debut, the detective comedy Hickey & Boggs, and Culp guested as Scott Kelly on an episode of The Cosby Show. Culp spent 3 brilliant years as Bill Maxwell, FBI handler for schoolteacher Roy Hinkley, also known as the Greatest American Hero, shepherding him from scenario to scenario. Elsewhere in his career, he and Elliott Gould gave wife-swapping an incredibly creepy name in Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, played JFK’s best friend in PT 109, served as Ray Romano’s father-in-law on Everybody Loves Raymond, led the country as the president in The Pelican Brief, and starred in arguably the best episode of The Outer Limits, Demon with the Glass Hand, as a “man” with an incredible secret. Almost as notable were the roles he didn’t get – the lead in Space: 1999, when he advocated his potential to also serve as a producer and a director for the series, and the more pliable Martin Landau got the role, and the floated rumor that he would replace Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing in Dallas during a contract dispute. Coming the summer after the Who Shot JR episode with Dallas ratings at their peak, Hagman thought he had the producers over a barrel. The producers plan: the ambulance taking J.R. to the hospital the night he got shot was in a fiery crash and after the plastic surgery, J.R. gets shorter and has a new face. Culp denies he was contacted and that he loved his gig on GAH, and as someone who loved both Dallas and GAH, things worked out for the best. Culp was also vehemently opposed to Christmas, appearing in both Santa’s Slay and Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!

What's the Worst that Could Happen? Yeah, I Guess That Would Do It

(An epitaphany shared with Phil)

Or
16 Candles, on the Pyre Tonight

Or
Johnny Maestro and the Cemetery Ridge
(Props to Phil Castagna)
Johnny Maestro, lead singer for The Crests, the Del-Satins and the Brooklyn Bridge, has died of cancer at the age of 70. With The Crests, he was best remembered for 16 Candles, with the Brooklyn Bridge he was best remembered for The Worst That Could Happen, and in his solo career, he was best remembered as that guy that used to be in The Crests.

Davey, Davey Crockett, King of the Final Frontier

(More merit for Mark)

Or
Davy, Davy Crockett, Buried Under the Wild Frontier

Or
No Mess, No Fess
(Additional accolades for Phil)
Fess Parker, wearer of the most ridiculous headwear on TV until Donald Trump, has died at the age of 85. First as Davy Crockett and then as Daniel Boone, Parker re-introduced America to frontier life and got millions of children, and at least 3 members of a certain trivia team, to wear coonskin caps. He got his big break when Walt Disney went to see James Arness in Them! to assess him as a potential Crockett, and instead seized on Parker, who had a small role as a pilot whose plane had been downed by giant flying ants. But Walt giveth and Walt taketh away, keeping him from roles in the John Ford classic The Searchers and John Wayne and Bus Stop with Marilyn Monroe and Clark Cable, while having him play the father in Old Yeller. His film career petered out, so he bought a large vineyard and produced award-winning wines with a coonskin cap on the label.

Mach Over

Robert M. White, forgotten astronaut, has died at the age of 85. In 1962, White
piloted a rocket-powered X-15 research airplane 60 miles above the earth, making him the first man to earn a winged astronaut rating by piloting an airplane in space. Ironically, that may have been his least treacherous flight, as the decorated veteran flew combat missions in World War II, when he was briefly a POW after getting shot down over Germany, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, and was the first to top Mach 4, Mach 5 and Mach 6.

Worms by the Million Sing for Alex Chilton

(Flourishes for Phil)
Alex Chilton, author of the bastardized theme song to That ‘70s Show, has died of a heart attack at the age of 59. Chilton had a #1 song at the age of 16 – The Letter, with The Box Tops, then came back at #2 with Cry Like a Baby the following year. He later founded the influential band Big Star, released several indie albums, produced records for grimy garage-rock bands like the Cramps and the Gories, and got tributed by the Replacements, who sang “Alex Chilton” on the album Pleased to Meet Me.

Oveur and Out

Or
Good Mourning, Mr. Phelps
(Stolen from James, who hopefully has not consulted a trademark attorney)

Or
His Name is His Address

Or
Looks Like He Picked the Wrong Week to Quit Breathing

Or
I just want to tell you good luck - we're all counting on you
(Cap tip to Monty)

Or
Gravesend
(Can I get a whoop whoop for Monty?)

Or
He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature, and because of it the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way and make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. When men seek such perfection, they find only death...
Peter Graves, best remembered as the unflappable spymaster Jim Phelps, leader of the Impossible Mission Force, has died of a heart attack at the age of 83. After leaving the Army, James Arness’ little brother had a lengthy film career, most notably as Price, the time zone challenged barracks double agent Price in Stalag 17. Most of his films were not as good, but Graves had an earnestness in the face of ridiculous plots, dialogue and execution that made his films ripe for parody, and MST3K sank its teeth into It Conquered the World!, with Graves as a scientist trying to save the planet from a giant interstellar turnip, The Beginning of the End, with Graves as a scientist who inadvertently creates giant grasshoppers, then stops them from destroying a postcard of Chicago’s Sears Tower, and Parts: The Clonus Horror, as a politician benefiting from a private stash of unwitting organ donors. The MST3K-esque The Film Crew also took on Killers from Space, with Graves as a scientist defeating bug-eyed spacemen. That earnestness is what made him a perfect fit for the Zucker brothers and their different brand of comedy. Despite initial apprehension about a script that he called the biggest piece of junk he had ever seen, Graves’ perfect deadpan as Clarence Oveur, the gladiator film-loving, Turkish prison-frequenting pilot in Airplane! won him a new generation of fans. Later efforts included 1970s TV movies like The President’s Plane Is Missing, Where Have All the People Gone and Death Car on the Freeway, the Biography series, and Colonel John Camden, Eric’s father on Seventh Heaven.

Not Quite so Fearsome Anymore

(Huzzah for Mark)

Or
In Lieu of Donations, Send Flowers, Like a Lovely FTD “In Memoriam” Arrangement

Or
The Family Murphy Has Lost Their Father...
(Kudos to Terrence Walsh)

Or
No Farther, Murphy
(More Merit for Mark)
Merlin Olsen, terrorizer of quarterbacks, raiser of barns, friend of Ron Burgundy, hawker of flowers, has died at the age of 69 of mesothelioma, in yet another case for the law offices of James Sokolove. After a stellar career at Utah State that included appearances in the Sun Bowl and the Gotham Bowl, he was drafted 3rd overall by the LA Rams in 1962. Joined by Rosey Grier, Lamar Lundy and Deacon Jones on the defensive line, Olsen anchored the 4th, but arguably best known, group to be known as the Fearsome Foursome. After a Hall of Fame career that included 14 Pro Bowl appearances in 15 years, Olsen moved smoothly to the broadcast booth alongside Dick Enberg on NBC’s coverage of the AFC, while also putting in a cameo as a bodyguard in the later-to-be MSTied Joe Don Baker vehicle Mitchell. He traded his fearsomeness for giant gentility as lumberjack Jonathan Garvey on Little House on the Prairie, a frontiersman masquerading as a priest to shelter orphans on Father Murphy and then as an Amish farmer who loaded up his kin and moved to Beverly in a mid-life rumspringa to take care of the woman his son knocked up before getting killed in a surfing accident in Aaron’s Way, a series that made the Amish grateful they didn’t have televisions.

My Name is Lucas, I Live on the Second Slab

(Whoop whoop for Phil)

Or
Lost Boy
(Cap tip to Monty)

Or
License to Die
(Muchos gracias de Monty)

Or
License to Drive - a Hearse
(Additional Accolades for Mark)

Or
Now There's Only One Corey
(Kudos for Kirsti)
Corey Haim, whose best performances came in the pages of Teen Beat, has died of what everyone knows was a drug overdose regardless of how long it takes the California Attorney General’s office to tell us at the age of 38. The former child star appeared as the brilliant, lonely dork in Lucas, the paralyzed dork in Silver Bullet, the dorky vampire hunter in The Lost Boys before peaking as the dork who can’t operate an automobile in License to Drive. Along the way he befriended his fellow Corey, frequent co-star Corey Feldman to form the defining duo of the 1980s. With the end of the ‘80s came the end to the Corey-dom, and Haim ended up in rehab 15 times, then stayed in his apartment for 3 and half years, ballooning to 304 pounds. He resorted to selling an extracted molar on eBay before attempting to jumpstart his comeback by sharing the home of fellow fell-out boy Feldman as the two clawed desperately at fame by appearing in a reality series and hoping for a direct-to-video sequel to The Lost Boys (which Haim was first rejected for before filming a cameo so bad it only appeared during the credits). The idea was a kooky Odd Couple-esque series. The edited version of reality was an abject lesson in dysfunction, which ended when Feldman told Haim he couldn’t watch him self-destruct further. And when Corey Feldman is telling you to get your life together…

Dead-ger

Willie Davis, one of the first Dodger stars whose entire career occurred after Walter O’Malley’s betrayal, has died at the age of 69. In 14 years with the Dodgers, Duke Snider’s replacement in center field won 3 Gold Gloves, holds the team record with a 31-game hitting streak in 1969, and has more hits, extra-base hits, triples runs and total bases than any other West Coast Dodger. Still, his play was erratic and he was an oddity, chanting Buddhist mantras on the bench and in the locker room before and after games. His career was summed up by Dodger GM Buzzy Bavasi: "He could have been a Hall of Famer, but he had million-dollar legs and a 10-cent head." He may best be remembered for his World Series misadventures, like stealing 3 bases in one game in 1965, including one where he fell along the way and crawled into second. In Game 2 of the 1966 World Series, also known as Sandy Koufax’s last game, he made 3 errors in 1 inning, allowing 3 unearned runs to score, which was 1 more than the Dodgers scored the entire series. The confluence of baseball and the new medium of television in the Hollywood area in the early 1960s led to many Dodgers making cameos on sitcoms, including Davis on The Flying Nun and Mister Ed, a trend that thankfully ended before Fernando Valenzuela showed up in Cabot Cove.

Granny D-Ceased

(Props to Mark)

Or
This Really Isn’t a Good Year for Democrats
(More merit for Mark)

Or
Live, Freeze and Die

Or
Rest Granny Rest
Doris Haddock, call name "Granny D," who in nearly a century of existence still hadn’t grasped the fruitlessness of U.S. governance, has died of a respiratory infection at the age of 100. Between 1999 and 2000, she walked from southern California to Washington, D.C., in an ultimately futile effort to advocate campaign finance reform. Sort of a very slow, very old Forrest Gump. She continued her efforts, celebrating her 99th birthday lobbying for campaign finance reform at the New Hampshire State House. In 2004, she ran an unsuccessful campaign to unseat New Hampshire Republican Senator Judd Gregg. A hell-raiser since before electricity, she was kicked out of Emerson College for getting married when that was illegal for college students; an honorary degree was awarded in 2000. Like most Democrats, victories were rare: her lone successful political effort was to stop planned H-Bomb tests in Alaska in 1960.

Bogged Down

Charles B. Pierce, the finest independent filmmaker in Arkansas history, has died at the age of 71. An early champion of documentary-style film-making, he hit the big time, or at least the Little Rock time, with The Legend of Boggy Creek, which he followed up with Return to Boggy Creek and then completed the trilogy with the improbably named Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues, which hit the really big time as an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and is the only reason this obit was included. Daniel Myrick, director of The Blair Witch Project, cited the Boggy Creek films pursuing the “Fouke Monster,” basically a redneck Bigfoot in Texarkana, as a major influence, and Pierce had similar success, netting $25 million on a $160,000 investment to make the first film. Other directorial efforts included The Town That Dreaded Sundown, Winterhawk, and he was a screenwriter on the Dirty Harry film Sudden Impact.

Nan Nan Nan Nan, Nan Nan Nan Nan, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye

Nan Martin, prolific actress of stage, screen and television, has died of emphysema at the age of 82. Among her more notable roles was robber baron department store owner Mrs. Louder on The Drew Carey Show, Ali McGraw’s snobbish mother in Goodbye, Columbus, Douglas Brackman's dying mother on L.A. Law, the nurse who was raped inside a mental asylum and gave birth to Freddy Krueger, a nasty neighbor on The Golden Girls, who, after being told by Rose Nylund to drop dead, promptly does, Helen Hunt’s mother in Cast Away (aka Fed Ex: The Movie), and Jeffrey Tambor’s caustic secretary in Mr. Sunshine.

This Shall Be, His, Final Hour

British politician Winston Churchill has died. No, the GHI hasn’t fallen into a hot tub time machine. His grandson, Winston Spencer-Churchill, who had little interest in being his own man, used the familial name until his death at 70. A Member of Parliament from 1970 through 1997 when his seat was abolished, the latter Churchill’s career was of little note, but the same year he left Parliament, his wife left him because of his affair with Soraya Khashoggi, arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi’s ex-wife.