Boldly Gone

Or

He Is Not Spock

 

Or

He's Dead Jim

 

Or

In Search of… My Pulse

 

Or

To Boldly Go

(Props to Patrick)

 

Or

For Whom William Bell Tolls

(Don, going the long way in the surrey for this one)

Leonard Nimoy, serenader of hobbits, photographer of fat naked women, driver of an unpaid-for-cab ride for JFK, has stopped living long and prospering, dying of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease at the age of 83. The 2012 honorary degree recipient from Boston University (60 years after having the good sense to drop out of Boston College) was a working actor with dozens of bit parts to his credit before donning silly pointed ears for a sci-fi pilot called The Cage. Original captain Jeffrey Hunter didn’t have the right stuff and got pon farred when the show went to series as Star Trek with William Shatner stepping into the starring role. (As an aside, Hunter died as a result of an accident on the set of a film in 1969. If not for that casting decision, he might still be alive, or he could have still done that film, and his death may have pre-empted the films and decades of reboots and thousands of dorks may have left their parents’ basements.) What didn’t change through 3 years on the original series, an animated series, 8 movies, several episodes of the sequel series, and 3 video game was Nimoy stealing the show as logical Vulcan First Officer Mr. Spock, raising an eyebrow at the antics of walking id James T. Kirk and handling confrontation with a nerve pinch rather than a classic Kirk disarm. In creating one of the most iconic characters in TV history, Nimoy scored 3 straight nominations for Best Supporting Actor, which given the Emmy voters’ attitude toward anything outside standard dramas and sitcoms is truly the stuff of science fiction. Later roles included master of disguise Paris on Mission: Impossible, the psychiatrist on the 1978 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, host of paranormal exploration series In Search Of…, a real-life Stonecutter in trying to make Steve Gutenberg a star as the director of Three Men and a Baby, Walter Bishop’s lab partner and brain curator Dr. William Bell on Fringe (though in the alternate timeline, Nimoy may still be alive), a cameo where he gets to share his enthusiasm for the Monorail on The Simpsons and as the voice of a vintage Mr. Spock action figure on The Big Bang Theory because every male role model in Sheldon’s life has to die.

Lloyd’s of Lying Down

Imagine if you will, a time when the NBA was so white even Hootie Johnson would have wept tears of joy. You could actually watch the polish on the floor yellow as the honky-filled games, bereft of skill or speed, crawled to their merciful 33-29 conclusions. Why Earl Lloyd even wanted to play remains a mystery, but on October 31, 1950, perhaps in a Halloween prank gone horribly awry, he became the first black man to play in an NBA game, scoring 6 points for the Washington Capitals against the Rochester Royals. Unlike Jackie Robinson, that first game was pretty much the highlight of a non-descript career that saw him average 8.4 points and 6.4 rebounds in 560 regular-season games over nine seasons. Lloyd died of undisclosed causes at the age of 86. 

And Now it’s Lesley’s Turn to Die

Or

You Would Cry Too, If It Happened to You

Or

It's My Funeral Party

(Props to Monty)

Or

It's My Parting (and I'll Die if I Want to) 

(Kudos to Patrick)
Lesley Gore, best remembered as one of Catwoman’s minions in 2 episodes of Batman, has died of lung cancer at the age of 68. A smoky-eyed pop tart of the 1960s, Gore recorded “It’s My Party,” and the rare sequel song, “Judy’s Turn to Cry,” the feminist anthem “You Don’t Own Me,” and the Marvin Hamlisch-composed, Grammy nominated, "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows." After a long period of “What ever happened to?”, she composed songs for the soundtrack for Fame, including the Oscar-nominated “Out Here on My Own.” 

Wave ‘Em Goodbye

(Accolades for Don)

Or

Kim Bye?
Ya.
My Lord.

Wendell Kim, who literally forgot more about baseball than Butch Hobson ever knew, has died of Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 64. Kim would have been the first Korean-American to play in the major leagues, if he had made the major leagues. Known as “Windmill” Wendell or “Wave ‘em Home” Wendell as the third base coach of the San Francisco Giants, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs, Kim was a fan of home plate collisions, as indicated by the number of runners he futilely sent to their demise at the dish. 

Thank Heaven

(Props to Monty)

Or

Looking for Heir Jourdan

Louis Jourdan, who overcame the cliché of being a French dandy to battle Swamp Thing, has died at the age of 93. He suaved it all up in The Paradine Case, Letter from an Unknown Woman, and Gigi. Not in his CV are the German propaganda films he was ordered to make after France’s capitulation in World War II, as he instead escaped to unoccupied France and joined the resistance. In his later career, he turned Alec Holland into the Swamp Thing as Dr. Anton Arcane, DC Comics’ answer in assonance to all that Marvel Comics’ alliteration, while continuing the tradition of evil geniuses with post-graduate degrees and calling into question the screening process at the world’s evil universities. He may be best remembered for his role as Kamal Khan, the fake Faberge-collecting, backgammon-cheating, nuclear war-starting exiled Afghan prince in Octopussy.

Dead, From Beautiful Downtown Burbank

(An epitaphany shared with Monty)

Or

It’s Space Ghost

(Another epitaphany shared with Monty)

Gary Owens, who lent a polished baritone to complete and utter nonsense as the announcer on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, has died at the age of 80. He later voiced Roger Ramjet, a patriotic nimrod pilot on a crudely animated series – the American Dudley Do-Right. He voiced cartoon superhero Space Ghost in the 1960s, then later helped turn the long-forgotten character into a surreal star as the host of a fake late-night interview show on the Cartoon Network, going so far as to cameo in an interview segment with himself. He voiced the Blue Falcon, a parody of Batman, with falcon gadgets and a falcon belt and idiot robot sidekick Dynomutt filling the role of the easily kidnappable Robin.

Shark Left

(Mad props to Joe Wright)

 

Or

Runnin’ Rebel without a Pulse

Towels everywhere breathe a sigh of relief as Jerry Tarkanian, scourge of the NCAA, has died at the age of 84. Nearly as brilliant as Dean Smith on the court and virtually his opposite off it, Tarkanian built a program out of nothing in the desert, turning UNLV into a high-scoring, fiercely defending powerhouse that made 4 Final Fours and won the 1990 National Championship (and America’s hearts) by routing Duke in the Final. He won more than 700 games in the NCAA, of which about 37 of them remain after NCAA sanctions. He did so by recruiting (frequently improperly) players of dubious academic prowess and moral certitude, largely junior college players that major programs disdained. He had Frank Sinatra stop by the house of a potential recruit with an Italian mother. He drove a recruit to his girlfriend’s house and waited in the car while the young ‘uns worked on their ball-handling drills. Three of his players were photographed in a hot tub with a convicted sports fixer. Lloyd Daniels was recruited, then abandoned after a cocaine conviction. Tarkanian recruited Clifford Allen from behind the glass at the El Paso de Robles Youth Correctional Facility, and was repaid when Allen stole a car and was returned to incarceration, never playing a minute of college basketball. Challenging any of his players to Scrabble would have been an exercise in futility. Whereas Smith was proud of the graduation rate for his players, Tarkanian noted that most of his players found lucrative employment in Las Vegas’ hospitality industry. Such shenanigans left him at constant odds with the NCAA, and all 3 of the college programs he led – Long Beach State, Fresno State and the aforementioned Slots U – were put on probation by the powers that be. Even the pre-David Robinson San Antonio Spurs, where Tarkanian spent a 20-game sabbatical in 1992, were prohibited from tournament play. Whereas for most people the NCAA’s hypocrisy and capriciousness is like the weather – everyone talks about it, but no one does anything - Tarkanian twice sued the NCAA for violating his right to due process, taking one case to the U.S. Supreme Court and losing, but winning a $2.5 million settlement in the other, all the while firing off observations such as:  

"I always like to get transfers, especially from the Pac-10. They already have their cars paid for."

"Nine out of 10 schools are cheating. The other one is in last place."

"The NCAA is so mad at Kentucky it's going to give Cleveland State two more years probation."

Simon Says “I’m Dead”

Bob Simon, part of the youth movement on 60 Minutes, has died at the age of 73. In a career that only Brian Williams’ imagination could match, Simon covered conflict in 67 countries, from The Troubles in Northern Ireland to the abandonment of Vietnam to the Yom Kippur War to the tank roadblock in Tiananmen Square to the Persian Gulf, where he and four of his crew were captured and spent 40 days as Iraqi prisoners. In his 47-year career, he earned more than 40 major awards, including 4 Overseas Press Club awards, 4 Peabody Awards and 27 Emmys. After all that, the most dangerous place he worked ended up being New York City, where he was killed in a car accident.

Super Slo Mo

(Props to Greg)
Ed Sabol, whose obsessive approach to covering the NFL meant there were more cameras chronicling the Cleveland Browns’ 7-0 win over the San Francisco 49ers on Dec. 1, 1974 than documented the Allies’ invasion of Normandy, has died at the age of 98. With Sabol at the helm of the company he founded, every angle of every game got the NFL Films touch, with the omnipotent intonations of John Facenda giving untold import to every 3-yard gain. In his 31 years running the show, NFL Films won 52 Emmys, while putting microphones on players, coaches and referees so fans could hear every illegal procedure penalty and groin pull in Sensurround. In 2011, Sabol was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, which is sort of like sending your wedding videographer on the honeymoon. 

Running the Four Coroners Offense

(Can I get a whoop whoop for Joe?)

Dean Smith, whose success on the court was matched only by his graciousness off it, making it virtually impossible to lay the snark (the prick bastard), has died at the age of 83. In 36 years at the University of North Carolina, Smith made 11 Final Fours, won two national championships and a then-record 879 games, then kept busy during the 1976 offseason by coaching the men’s Olympic gold medal-winning squad. More impressively, 96.6% of his players graduated. Even given that his kids were taking gut courses at a state school, in modern college athletics, that’s still an accomplishment. Smith kept his program clean and desegregated, signing the school’s first black player and using his status as a local legend to push for equal treatment for blacks in local businesses. Smith is athletically descended from basketball greatness, having learned the game from University of Kansas legend Phog Allen, who had learned the game at Kansas from Dr. Peach Basket himself, James Naismith. In turn, Smith passed on his gift for hoops, if not his commitment to a program, to itinerant 1,000-game winning coaches Larry Brown and George Karl, two of his former players.