Kicking Off

Wax Off
(A shared epitaphany with Mark)

Not So Happy Days
(More laudatories for Monty)

Daniel-san, Show Me Bury the Casket
(It’s a cornucopia of Monty)
Hollywood will need a new Asian for light comedy, as Pat Morita, the man who taught karate to Ralph Macchio, Hilary Swank and a dog, has died at the age of 73. Told he’d never walk after being born with spinal tuberculosis, he became a successful stand-up comic after leaving his WWII internment camp. Billed as the Hip Nip, he was the first comic to get billing in Las Vegas, and his nightclub work got him a gig on Happy Days as Arnold, chef and later owner of Fonzie’s favorite burger joint. This turned into steady work as the go-to Asian on a variety of sitcoms, most notably as Captain Sam Pak on MASH and Ah Chew on Sanford and Son. He was also the first Asian to star in a sitcom, 1976’s Mr. T and Tina and drama, 1987’s O’Hara. But his role as Mr. Miyagi, sensei and slavemaster to Ralph Macchio’s “Daniel-san” entered him a place in the pop culture lexicon. After getting free waxing, painting and sanding, early scripts for The Karate Kid, Part II had Daniel-san grouting the bathtub and replacing shingles. Sadly, the 1984 Academy Awards were over-Asianed, and Morita lost the Best Supporting Actor Oscar to Haing S. Ngor (The Killing Fields).

Best in Peace

Or
Man Separated

Or
And the Ref Blows the Full-Time Whistle
(Our friends at deathlist.net)

Or
Good, Better, Best
May he get his rest
Because his liver’s looked better
And the reaper takes the Best

Or
He kicked the ball, but he couldn’t kick the bottle, so he’s kicked the bucket
George Best, one of the greatest footballers ever to come out of the UK until drinking himself out of the game, has died of complications from his liver transplant at the age of 59, ironically just missing out on new laws that allow pubs to stay open 24 hours a day. Playing for Northern Ireland and Manchester United in the 1960s, Best developed a reputation as a skillful dribbler and playmaker, and was called the greatest player in the world by Pele. He helped Man U to win two First Division Championships and was named Footballer of the Year in 1968. Best turned stodgy English soccer traditions on their ear, earning as much ink in the tabloids as he did in the sports sections combining legendary drinking binges with bedding a bevy of beauties. Imagine a Beckham who could kick with his left foot, head the ball, tackle and scored more often, as he humbly summed up the comparison.

Rice All Goney
Self-made midget twin millionaire John Rice has died of surgical complications at the age of 53. Greg and John were in the record books as the world’s shortest twins long before the 2 ft 10 inch terrors became a staple of late-night infomercials touting their real estate success and motivational speaking. In his memory, flags in his hometown of Palm Beach, Florida were lowered to quarter-staff.

Tomb Stone
(Props to Monty)

Hark Harold, the Angels Sing
(More kudos for Monty)
Long-time character actor Harold J. Stone has died at the age of 92. His imposing features made him ideally suited to play three different German officers on Hogan’s Heroes, an enemy agent on I Spy and a plethora of guys in black hats on countless westerns of the 1950s and ‘60s. He also played an artist renouncing civilization in a guest of the week episode of Gilligan’s Island, and Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans will remember him as Joe Don Baker’s nemesis, mob boss Tony Gallano, in Mitchell, the Joel-Mike changing of the guard episode.

Coming apart at the Siems
Ruth M. Siems, who invented Stove Top Stuffing, has died at the age of 74. She actually died Nov. 13, but in a shameless marketing campaign Kraft Foods withheld news of her death for 10 days to ensure that it would get more coverage over the holiday weekend. The Buy a Box for Ruth ads didn’t help. Siems determined the perfect size for stuffing crumbs to avoid sogginess and rockiness, meaning it was no longer necessary to play doctor with a turkey in order to enjoy stuffing, making the process faster and expanding the options for stuffing as a side dish for other meals.

Missing Link
Link Wray, an innovating guitarist who pioneered the rockabilly sound, has died at the age of 76. Adding “fuzz tone,” feedback distortion and noise and the unique qualities that came with poking holes in amplifiers, Wray changed the role of the electric guitar. He is also credited as the inventor of the power chord. Wray’s most unique achievement was the power-blues instrumental “Rumble,” which was deemed so menacing it was banned by a number of radio stations because it glorified juvenile delinquency, despite the absence of lyrics. Pete Townsend said that if not for Link Wray, he would have never picked up a guitar. And there are plenty of little boys grateful for that.

Cummings’ Going
Constance Cummings, one of the leading stage actresses on both sides of the Atlantic for more than half a century, has died at the age of 95. She achieved stardom in Hollywood and in early British comedies in the 1930s, but spent most of her career on stage, acting opposite such luminaries as Laurence Olivier and interpreting the work of Jean-Paul Sartre, Edward Albee, Tennessee Williams, Friedrich Durrenmatt, William Shakespeare, Eugene O'Neill, Anton Chekhov and Euripides.

A Breed Apart
Sam, the tiny hairless pedigreed Chinese crested with crooked teeth dubbed the World’s Ugliest Dog after winning an ugly dog contest three years in a row, was put down last week at the age of 14. Sam’s owner took him in as a rescue home, but somehow found him fetching and allowed her love life to take a pounding, as her hot under the collar boyfriend found the dog repulsive and dumped her.

Tisch or Consequences

A Tisch-ket, a Casket

Or
Preston of the You’re Gone
In the last month, the New York Giants have lost more owners than games as Preston Robert Tisch succumbed to brain cancer at the age of 79, joining Wellington Mara in the coffin corner. One can only hope the increased mortality rate among New York sports owners continues. Once again, I’m looking at you, George. Tisch had made a name for himself before becoming a sports mogul, building a multi-billion dollar business empire and serving as postmaster general. But somehow the allure of the NFL outstripped stamp-licking, and in 1991 he bought half of the Giants. His attention to detail, or neurotic micromanaging, included personally hiring doormen for his hotels as the best salesmen for the property, and extended to his philanthropy – he not only helped found Meals on Wheels, but personally delivered meals to elderly people. For those of you with gambling inclinations, the Giants are 1-0 against the spread in games played after the death of an owner this year and are facing a beleagured Eagles squad likely to be led by ex-Rutgers QB Mike McMahon. And that’s your Panama Canal lock of the week.

James takes the game ball as he records the solo hit and moves into 12th place. Well, briefly moves into 12th place becauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse

This Is Your Death

Or
This Was Your Life
(Shared with Monty, despite it’s obviousness)

Or
Just Consequences
(Another epithaphany shared with Monty)

Or
Just Another Disembodied Voice from Your Past
(From Craig, who turned his nose up at my “obvious” suggestions. I wasn’t aware I should try to be cunning.)
Broadcasting pioneer Ralph Edwards has died of heart failure at the age of 92. The original purveyor of reality television, Edwards stunned incredibly oblivious audience members by calling them up on stage to be confronted by the faces of those they had wronged. Despite the fact that they saw the host of one of the most well-known programs of the 1950s, people seemed genuinely stunned at having been selected to be the latest subject to hear those disembodied voices, failing to do the math and realize they had about a 1 in 200 chance of being that week’s dope. Not one to take as good as he could dish out, Edwards threatened to fire every one of his staff if they ever tried to pull the This is Your Life routine on him. Edwards also suckered the poor town of Hot Springs, New Mexico into changing its name to Truth or Consequences to promote the town and his novelty game show that he had adapted from a hugely popular radio program. Edwards started Bob Barker’s career as the host of Truth or Consequences and that of Joseph A. Wapner on The People’s Court. Other programs Edwards helped create include Name that Tune, It Could be You and Funny Boners. Edwards and his son had been involved in a new version of This is Your Life, starring Regis Philbin, because he hasn’t been on TV enough.

Monty, as the only one to anticipate Edwards’ death, these are your 20 points. Monty’s Fords- Built to Last moves into 10th place.

Greed, Treed, Second Lead, Low Breed

Killing Peter to Hire Paulbearers
Peter Drucker, a pioneering thinker on management strategies, has died at the age of 95. One of the first to embrace a work week of fewer than 117 hours and wages of more than a turnip an hour, Drucker viewed an educated work force as a resource rather than a cost, knocking him off the Christmas card list of many executives. Drucker also had a bit of Kreskin about him, anticipating the inflation of the 1970s, the rise of Japanese manufacturers and the decline of unions. Course, he also published an article on the successes of the stock market shortly before the 1929 crash. He also worked with nonprofit organizations, encouraging them to think like businesses and warning that they would be judged on results, not intentions. An especially noteworthy observation most of us can appreciate: “Either one meets or one works.”

Most germane to our purposes: "Marketing is a fashionable term. The sales manager becomes a marketing vice president. But a gravedigger is still a gravedigger even when it is called a mortician - only the price of the burial goes up." Monty was the only one to expect the costly day for Mr. Drucker, and his WSM DOA moves into 16th place.

He’s a Lumberjack and He’s DOA
Steve Courson, a former offensive lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, has died at the age of 50 after a tree he was cutting down fell on him. An undrafted free agent guard from South Carolina, Courson worked out like a man with an axe to grind in order to make the team. A lineman of sturdy timber, Courson logged time on the 1978 and 1979 Super Bowl championship teams, winning two rings. Courson also saw action with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The first NFL player to admit to steroid use, Courson battled the resultant health problems in recent years, but had turned over a new leaf. After his career ended, he branched out to publicly criticize the NFL testing policy and warn high school athletes about the risks of steroid use.

North Goes Due South
Sheree North, best known to many as Cosmo Kramer’s mother Babs, has died of surgical complications at the age of 72. In the 1950s, if you wanted to sex up your movie and couldn’t get Marilyn Monroe or Jane Russell or Jayne Mansfield or Mamie Van Doren or Vera Miles or Kim Novak or Betty Hutton or Tippi Hedren or Betty Grable, then you had to get Sheree North. Or Mitzi Gaynor. Other roles for North included the saloon singer with an attitude who seduces Lout Grant in the 100th episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show, turning the notorious crank into a 200-pound bumblebee zipping around the newsroom wearing mauve, John Wayne’s ex-fiancee Serepta who tries to cash in on the dying gunslinger’s fame in The Shootist.

Caste Off
K.R. Narayanan, who rose from the lowest levels of Indian society to become president, has died at the age of 85. A member of the “untouchables” class, Narayanan assumed the presidency in 1997, fulfilling the vision of the nation’s founder Mohandas Gandhi. 1992.

It’s a Condolence Card! It’s a Condolence Card!

Or
To Bury Man
Lloyd Bochner, best remembered for a classic episode of The Twilight Zone, has died at the age of 81. In the episode, a member of an advanced alien race (played by Richard Kiel), explains that he has come to offer earthlings the chance to travel to his planet where they will be well treated, as indicated in a book he leaves for them, “To Serve Man.” Decoding expert Michael Chambers and his assistant study the book, with the assistant informing Chambers, as he boards the alien ship, that “It’s a cookbook.” Too late for the human shish kabob. Bochner later parodied that role during a crowd panic scene in The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear. He also played Cecil Colby, Blake Carrington’s archrival who dies of a heart attack in bed with Alexis on Dynasty.

A quiet man of music, denied a longer fate
Skitch Henderson, long-time bandleader on the Tonight Show in the 1950s and ‘60s for Steve Allen and Johnny Carson, has died at the age of 87. The living legacy of the leader of the band is the long-running routine “Stump the Band” where audience members would suggest obscure songs and the band would attempt to play them. Henderson also founded the New York Pops, twice. First in the 1950s, but the informal group faded away before Henderson formalized a group of freelance musicians in the 1980s.

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