The Early Worms Get The Byrd

Or
Byrd Droppings

Or
This Byrd Has Flown
(Props to Mark)

Or
He's Pining for the Gorge
(Nicely done by Mark)

Or
Bye Bye Byrdie
(Kudos to Warren)
Senator Robert Byrd, whose leadership skills were first recognized by the Ku Klux Klan, has died at the age of 92. The longest serving Senator in history at 51 years, he was elected to the Senate 9 times, and served another 6 years in the House, as West Virginians were anxious to keep the pork flowing (although the state remains a third-world backwater, so one has to wonder where all that money went) and also to keep the Cryptkeeper out of the state. Byrd had been in the Senate so long that when he took office, the dean of the senate was Carl Hayden, who was born in the Arizona Territory. Casting a vote for Byrd was like voting for Leatherface's father from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but he kept his seat by being adept at the more legal form of vote selling that ensured a never-ending stream of earmarked pork kept flowing through the state like wastewater out of a coal mine, and just as toxic. Billions were spent on West Virginia projects like the Robert C. Byrd Highway, two Robert C. Byrd federal buildings, the Robert C. Byrd Freeway, the Robert C. Byrd Center for Hospitality and Tourism, the Robert C. Byrd Drive, the Robert C. Byrd Biotechnology Science Center, the Robert C. Byrd Hardwood Technologies Center, the Erma Ora Byrd (aka Mrs. Robert C. Byrd) nursing building at Shepherd University and Erma Byrd Biomedical Research Center at West Virginia University. Libraries and gymnasiums apparently not so much, as the state is one of the most obese and illiterate in the union. In the early 1940s, he organized a Klan chapter in Sophia, WV, and so impressed the area grand dragon that he suggested Byrd use his talents for leadership by going into politics. A mere 20 years later, he spent more than 14 hours filibustering against the 1964 Civil Rights Act, then opposed the 1965 Voting Rights Act. As racism became less fashionable, he turned his bigotry toward homosexuals, opposing efforts to allow gays to serve in the military and endorsing efforts to ban gay marriage.

He Ain’t a Heavy, He’s My Brother

Prescott Bush, the underachiever of the Bush clan, has died at the age of 87. Eldest son of a Connecticut senator, older brother of a president and uncle to another (and counting), Prescott’s lone attempt at higher office was riding his brother’s coattails as VP when he sought the governor’s office in Connecticut in 1982. Despite an impressive early showing, Bush fell victim to the family trait of lacking “that vision thing,” and unlike the rest of the family, had the good manners to take the hint, dropping out of the race 5 weeks before the Republican primary.

Stopped Laughing

Or
Barker is Worse Off than His Bite
Irwin Barker, the only Canadian comedian who didn’t make the big time in the U.S., has died of leiomyosarcoma at 58. Despite a plethora of articles reporting he was the funniest thing since unsliced bread, the only quip I can find from him, was “My doctor gave me twelve months to live, but my lawyer says he can get it down to eight,” which I think can be carbon dated to an opening act in the Catskills from 1956. He wrote for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, The Rick Mercer Report, and CBC Radio’s The Debaters. His 2005 Halifax Comedy Festival performance scored 4 Gemini Award nominations, and he was nominated for three Writers’ Guild of Canada Screenwriter’s awards, winning in 2008. Since his diagnosis, he went on a farewell stand-up tour, including a gig in Afghanistan for Canadian troops, and taped the comedy special Can't Stop Laughing. The week he died, he was nominated for the Canadian Comedy Awards for best male standup performer and Canadian comedy person of the year, which I’m guessing he’s going to win.

Inka Dinka Done

Manute Bol, who brought The Gods Must Be Crazy to the NBA, has died of Stevens-Johnson syndrome at the age of 47. Seven feet, six inches and about 112 pounds of arms and legs, Bol was a blocking machine, setting a rookie record with the Washington Bullets with 397 and finishing his career 14th on the all-time list with 2,086, and with the second-best blocks per game average (3.34), despite averaging less than 19 minutes a game through his career. Offensively, he was the black Shawn Bradley, scoring about as often as Mother Teresa despite being able to touch above the rim flat-footed. Renowned for his long-range shooting, Bol was a bit of a long shot himself, the son of a Dinka chief from Sudan who once used a spear to kill a lion threatening his herd before being discovered by a coach from Farleigh Dickinson University. Bol never forgot his homeland, spending everything he earned in the NBA and doing extensive fund-raising work to build schools and hospitals as part of the rebuilding effort following Sudan’s lengthy civil war, and even moving to Kansas post-retirement to recreate the desolate surroundings. Bol was willing to do anything to raise money and awareness for Sudan, boxing William “the Refrigerator” Perry, signing a one-day contract with the Central Hockey League’s Indianapolis Ice, and serving briefly as a horse jockey.

Come Back to the Live Times, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean

Or
Rebel without a Saus-age
(Mad Props to Lori Ann)

Or
Big Dead Jim

Or
At the Bottom of This Grave Lies a Dead, Dead Man

Or
Come Back to the Five and Died, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean
(Variation on a Theme from Phil)

Or
Somebody Call Abe Frohman
(Merit a Monty)

Or
Well, you said you didn't want to know how the sausage was made!
(More fanfare for Phil)

Or
Whyte Out
Jimmy Dean, Rowlf the Dog’s right-hand man in the 1960s, has died at the age of 81. The country singer is best remembered for not singing his 1961 hit Big Bad John, which won the 1962 Grammy for Best Country & Western recording. The crossover success of the song helped secure Dean a spot as Johnny Carson’s first guest host of The Tonight Show, which in turn helped get him his own talk show, with Jim Henson under the desk working the sock puppet, which he used to help start the careers of Patsy Cline and Roy Clark and bring other country stars to a mainstream audience. He maintained his success in signing about the doomed with another Top 40 hit: PT 109, about John F. Kennedy’s naval career. After his show ended, he sort of acted, with his best known role was as the Howard Hughes-esque tycoon Willard Whyte, held hostage by Bambi and Thumper and rescued by James Bond in Diamonds Are Forever. Most remember him now as the founder of the Jimmy Dean Sausage company, which was profitable within 6 months of launch, in part due to Dean’s folksy humor in the commercials. He got fired when the company started targeting a younger audience, so he is blameless for the company’s latest abomination: the Chocolate Chip Pancake and Sausage on a Stick (even better with Baconnaise). Dean is to be interred in a piano-shaped mausoleum. Beats a sausage casing.

The Wizard of Deadwood

(Props to Mark)

Or
Now Wooden In More Than Just Name
(More merit for Mark)
John Wooden, who went 6-11 at Dayton High School in 1932 in his first year as a basketball coach – the only losing season in his half century in basketball as a coach and player, has died at the age of 99. Wooden is generally regarded, except by fans of USC, as the greatest coach in organized sports history, winning 10 national championships, including 7 in a row, which included 4 undefeated seasons at UCLA en route to a 620-147 record in 27 seasons, establishing the insufferability of the Bruins and their fans despite only 1 national championship in the 35 years since Wooden retired. But as we are getting tired of hearing, he wasn’t just winning games, he was making men. One of the first lessons he delivered was how to tie shoelaces, and having heard college athletes interviewed, an inability to tie shoes is not surprising. One of his most important lessons may be among his least known. After winning the Indiana Collegiate Conference title at Indiana State Teachers College (now Indiana State) in 1947, his first year as a college coach, Wooden declined the invitation to the NAIB tournament, as the tournament was segregated and there was a black player on the team. The following year, the rule was changed. A stickler for discipline, at the start of Bill Walton’s senior season, the wannabe hippie came in with hair too long for Wooden’s liking. Wooden eyed up the two-time player of the year for back-to-back championship teams, and told him “Bill, that’s not short enough. We’re sure going to miss you on this team. Get on out of here.” Walton was back by the end of practice with a nearly shaved head. Although he famously had just three rules for his team - no profanity, tardiness or criticizing fellow teammates – he expanded to a more marketable 15-point pyramid that he spent decades hawking as a motivational speaker. Before becoming a sage, Wooden was a highly skilled player, leading Martinsville High School to three consecutive state finals and a state title in 1927, then went to Purdue, where he was a three-time all-American, and player of the year as he led the Boilermakers to the 1932 national championship, exploits that earned him his first induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame. After two years at Indiana State, both the University of Minnesota and UCLA wanted him as their next head coach. Minnesota was his preference, but when a blizzard kept them from calling Wooden to seal the deal, he took the UCLA job. Although he preferred to stay in the Midwest, he wouldn’t break his commitment, a concept as foreign to today’s coaches as graduating players. When he started, UCLA didn’t even have a home court, borrowing time for Wooden’s first 14 seasons at Santa Monica City College and Venice High School. In 2003, the court at Pauley Pavilion, the Gym that John Built, was renamed the Nell and John Wooden Court.

Rue Morgue

(Kudos to Monty)

Or
And the Card Attached Would Say “Watch your Ass, Betty White. Love, the Reaper”
(Can I get a whoop whoop for Lori Ann?)

Or
Thank You for Being a Pallbearer

Or
Heaven Just Got a Little More Golden... and a Whole Lot Sluttier!
(Word to Terry)
Rue McClanahan, best remembered as the blind biology teacher in Starship Troopers, has died of a brain hemorrhage at the age of 76. As the last surviving member of the Golden Girls, Betty White will honor the tontine pledged among them in the foxhole in France, and will raise a toast to her castmates in Hot in Cleveland. McClanahan was Bea Arthur’s bitch on two series, first as quiet best friend Vivian to Arthur’s strident Maude, then as Blanche Devereaux, who showed seniors could still have sex, thus spoiling the thought of it for the rest of us, on The Golden Girls, winning a best actress in a comedy Emmy in 1987. Other roles included Ruth Rempley on an episode of All in the Family, a swinger with her eyes on Archie, the cruise ship owner on Out to Sea, Madame Morrible in Wicked, Aunt Fran on the NBC version of Mama’s Family, as well as a number of books and lectures on surviving breast cancer and staying sexy into old age.