Dietz and what’s done

Dick Dietz, a former All-Star catcher with the San Francisco Giants, best known for failing to get out of the way of a Don Drysdale pitch, got in the way again, this time of the Grim Reaper’s scythe, at the age of 63. As Drysdale was compiling his then-record string of 58 1/3 shutout innings, he faced the Giants on May 31, 1968. With the bases loaded and none out in the 9th, Drysdale hit Dietz with a pitch, which would have driven in a run and ended the streak, but the home plate umpire immediately determined that Dietz had not made an effort to get out of the way of the pitch and was not entitled to the base. Drysdale got out of the jam and completed the shutout.

Walton’s Mountain

Or

Watch out for falling planes

(Props to Monty)

Or

Goodbye, John-Boy
(More kudos to Monty)

Professional Wal-Mart scion John Walton died in the crash of his experimental, ultralight aircraft shortly after take off in Wyoming. The middle of Sam Walton’s three sons, John donated millions to provide low-income families with the opportunity to attend private schools as a means to assuage the familial guilt over the ruination of countless smaller competitors that created more low-income families and employment practices that ensure a desperate, benefit-less workforce. At the time of his death, Walton was listed as the 11th richest man in the world, with an approximate worth of $18.2 billion, tied with his younger brother, one spot below his older brother and one spot above his sister and mother.

It is time to put the Foote down, and that Foote is him

Or

The Shelby Foote Soldiers become Shelby Pall Bearers

(Courtesy of Craig)

Shelby Foote, whose exhaustive 3-volume, 1.5-million word history of the Civil War landed him a bigger role in Ken Burns’ documentary than Robert E. Lee, has died at the age of 88. Taking a Southern novelist’s approach, the Civil War unfolded over almost 3,000 pages that took 20 years to write, or 5 times longer than it took to fight.

Countdown and out

Or

Eight letters, DECEASED

(More credit to Craig)

Or

Ferret Man Dies

(Self memorialized)

Richard Whiteley, the host of one of the U.K.'s best game shows, has died following heart surgery at the age of 61. Whiteley was the U.K.’s version of Pat Sajak, a host of a simple word game who was extremely popular with very old people for more than 20 years. Countdown’s fan’s included the Queen and George Clooney and a man who had one of the show’s signature songs played during his cremation. Whiteley was also the local news anchor in Yorkshire for more than 20 years, known for collection of more than 500 jackets and nearly 200 garish ties, constant puns and the blooper seen worldwide of him being bitten on camera by a ferret. His was the first face seen on Britain’s Channel 4, and his was reportedly the most seen face in British television history.

(Borrowed liberally and without permission from game show aficionado Mike)

Squeaked Out

(Kudos for Monty)
John Fiedler, the only voice of Piglet from 1968’s “Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day,” through this year’s “Pooh’s Heffalump Movie,” has died at the age of 80. While watching TV in the 1960s, Walt Disney heard Fiedler’s voice and announced, “That’s Piglet.” Fiedler had the meek, bald demeanor to go with the high voice, and put it to use as henpecked Mr. Peterson on “The Bob Newhart Show,” lawyer J. Noble Daggett in “True Grit,” oblivious medical examiner Gordy Spangler on “Kolchak: The Night Stalker,” mousy stage manager Woody on “Buffalo Bill,” put-upon Juror #2 in "Twelve Angry Men," just his second screen role, following Cadet Alfie Higgins on Tom Corbett, Space Cadet. Fiedler also appeared on Broadway in “A Raisin in the Sun” and “The Odd Couple.”

Sorry Tommy

Tom Rogers, an adman credited with some of the iconic sales characters of the 1960s and ‘70s has died at the age of 87. Rogers put a beret and sunglasses on Charlie the tuna, the apparently suicidal fish forever trying to get caught, killed, have his head and organs removed, be processed and wind up in a Starkist can, only to be denied with the taunting, “Sorry Charlie.” The campaign caught on with consumers who failed to understand its inherent cruelty. Rogers also collaborated on the oppressed Keebler elves and finicky 9 Lives spokescat Morris.

Drat and Double Drat

Or

TA-TA for now
(A shared epitaphany for Monty, Tammy and I)

Or

Down the Drain

(Plaudits for Monty)

Or

I’ll Get You Smurfs, If It’s the Last Thing I Ever … (THUD)
(Further laudatories for Monty)

Tragedy struck the Hundred Acre Wood again, as Paul Winchell, voice of Tigger for 30 years, has died at 82. A gifted ventriloquist, Winchell co-starred with dummies Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smiff on The Paul Winchell and Jerry Mahoney Show in the 1950s. Among the other characters Winchell brought to sound included Gargamel in "The Smurfs," Dick Dastardly in Hanna Barbera cartoons, Zummi on “The Gummi Bears,” Fleegle on “The Banana Splits Adventure Hour,” Boomer in “The Fox and the Hound,” and the Dow Scrubbing Bubbles. Winchell also held more than 30 patents, including an artificial heart he invented in 1963. He donated it to the University of Utah, where it served as inspiration for Robert Jarvik, who developed the heart first implanted in patients in 1982. He also invented a disposable razor, a flameless cigarette lighter, an invisible garter belt and an indicator to show when frozen food had gone bad after a power outage.

Shana, you inanimate slut

Shana Alexander, the liberal Itchy to conservative James J. Kilpatrick’s Scratchy on "60 Minutes" in the late 1970s, has died at the age of 79. The Point-Counterpoint segments entered the pop culture lexicon when they were spoofed on Saturday Night Live by Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd. Alexander was a trail-blazer as the first female staff writer employed by Life magazine and the first female editor at McCall's magazine. She also covered the early days of the women's rights movement, President Nixon's handling of the Vietnam War and the slaying of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Olympics in Munich, Germany.

Sinner no more

(Props to Monty)

Hallelujah, the world has cast out Cardinal Sin. Jaime Sin, former archbishop of Manila, has died at the age of 76. The Cardinal helped overthrow former Phillipine dictator through his support of the “people power revolution” of the 1980s. He called on his followers to surround the police and military headquarters to shield anti-government rebels from attack, prompting 1 million people took to the streets.

Goodbye, Mr. Microchips

Jack Kilby, whose invention of the integrated circuit led to the creation of the microchip, has died at the age of 81. Without him, we might still be waiting for loud cellphone conversations during movies, ultra-violent computer games and the DVD of Leonard, Part 6. The integrated circuit was one of more than 60 patents he held in a career capped by the Nobel Prize for physics in 2000.

Closer to the Stars

(Exaltations to Michelle)

Or

Soulless Asylum

(More praise for Michelle)

Karl Mueller, bass player and founding member of the Minneapolis rock band Soul Asylum, has joined the Grave Dancers Union at 41. After 15 years of anonymous toil in the Minneapolis area, Soul Asylum sold more than 2 million albums with hit singles ''Somebody to Shove," ''Black Gold" and ''Runaway Train," then went platinum with their 1995 follow-up ''Let Your Dim Light Shine."

Nixed

Nixed

Or
End of the Lane

Or
The Final Days
(Props to Monty)

Or
Great Lane Smith’s Ghost
(Further accolades for Monty)
Lane Smith, a character actor who made a career out of portraying charismatic creeps, including Richard Nixon, has died of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis at age 69. Smith won an Emmy nomination for playing Nixon in the 1989 TV-movie “The Final Days,” pissing off both Nixon critics and supporters, suggesting he got it right. Other roles including DA Jim Trotter, III in “My Cousin Vinny,” Daily Planet editor Perry White in “Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman,” Gordon Bombay’s coach turned arch-nemesis Jack Reilly in “The Mighty Ducks,” corrupt industrialist and alien collaborator Nathan Bates on “V,” the banker trying to repossess Sally Field’s farm in Places in the Heart, the mayor of Calumet, Colorado in Red Dawn and Pauly Shore’s father in law in “Son-in-Law.” He also played the prosecutor who tried to convict Cliff Barnes for the murder of Kirstin Shephard, who, of course, was the answer to everyone’s favorite cliffhanger, “Who Shot J.R.?” and had returned to Southfork to try to blackmail J.R. by revealing she had given birth to his son, but as was revealed after her death, she had miscarried J.R.’s child and was pregnant by her subsequent boyfriend, Jeff Farraday, who then sells the child to Bobby who announces the successful adoption of a son, Christopher, following Pam’s several miscarriages. Prior to TV and movies, he had achieved notoriety for portraying Randle Patrick McMurphy in 650 off-Broadway performances of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.”

Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson

Or
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson
(Monty with the variation on the theme)

Or
Are you trying to depress me, Mrs. Robinson?

Or
Anne Bancroft: Tomb Raider
(In a shameless rip-off of myself)

Or
To Not Be
Anne Bancroft, who told us 25 years ago that love is the cure for obesity in her solo directorial effort Fatso, which she also wrote, has died at the age of 73. Bancroft is best remembered for her iconic portrayal of the original MILF, Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate, as well as her stage and screen portrayals of Annie Robinson in The Miracle Worker, for which she won the 1960 Tony Award and the 1963 Academy Award for Best Actress. She also won the Tony in 1958 for Two for the Seesaw and won a 1999 Emmy for a Deep in My Heart, one of only 15 performers to complete the hat trick. Other roles included Prime Minister Golda Meir of Israel in Golda, winning another Tony nomination, Nick Cage’s mother in Honeymoon in Vegas, the loony Miss Havisham-wannabe in the updated Great Expectations. Her early career was noted by roles in such dreck as Gorilla at Large, of which she said “I played the title role,” showing a sense of humor to match Mel Brooks, her husband of 40 years. Bancroft and Brooks co-starred in the comic farce in To Be Or Not to Be. Brooks also found work for her as an uncredited extra in Blazing Saddles, as herself in Silent Movie and as Madame Ouspenskaya in Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

For Pete’s Sake

The Curse of the Maltese Bippy strikes again. Dana Elcar, who turned his struggle with glaucoma into a cottage industry, has died at the age of 77. While co-starring on MacGyver, as Pete Thornton, head of The Phoenix Foundation, Thornton was diagnosed with glaucoma. Rather than writing him off both literally and figuratively, the illness and Elcar’s blindness was written into the show, including an episode where Thornton underwent glaucoma surgery. Elcar milked his condition for plum guest appearances on ER and Law & Order as blind guys. Before adding visual impairment to his resume, Elcar had established a career as a solid character actor, with notable stints as Robert Blake’s boss on Baretta, Pappy Boyington’s petty vindictive boss on Baa Baa, Black Sheep, Agent 86’s boss in the Get Smart movie The Nude Bomb, and as a con man who helps pull together the big score on Doyle Lonnegan in The Sting.

Hold the Lilies

Lorna Thayer, a fixture in every Jack Nicholson tribute montage, has died of Alzheimer’s disease at 85. In ‘Five Easy Pieces,' Nicholson’s pain in the ass patron Bobby Dupea has requested toast, which unfortunately, is not on the menu…

Dupea: “I'd like a plain omelet, no potatoes, tomatoes instead. A cup of coffee and toast.”

Waitress, pointing to his menu: “No substitutions.”

And so it goes as Nicholson tries to get around the “no substitutions” policy and creatively come up with a way to get a side order of wheat toast.

Waitress: “I don't make the rules.”

Dupea: “OK, I'll make it as easy for you as I can. I'd like an omelet, plain. And a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast. No mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.”

Waitress: “A No. 2, chicken sal sand. Hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee. Anything else?”

Dupea: “Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.”

Waitress: “You want me to hold the chicken, huh?”

Dupea: “I want you to hold it between your knees.”

Waitress, pointing to the right-to-serve sign: “Do you see that sign, sir? I guess you'll all have to leave. I'm not taking any more of your smartness and sarcasm.”

Dupea, having calmly put on his sunglasses and picked up his gloves: “Do you see this sign?”

In a sudden burst, he sweeps his arm across the table, sending the water glasses, silverware and menus flying.

Burkhalted

Or

Askin and Answered

(Shouts out to Michelle Haus for both)

Leon Askin, best known as one of the less incompetent Nazis on Hogan’s Heroes, has died at the age of 97. As Gen. Albert Burkhalter, Askin spent most of his time threatening to send Klink to the Russian front until Hogan saved the day. Often cast as the funny villain, Askin appeared in the Rowan and Martin movie The Maltese Bippy. He and Gary Coleman tried to find a comical resolution to the Cold War in a very special episode of Diff’rent Strokes. And who can forget his riveting performance as Moscow Anchorman in Airplane II: The Sequel? He had dozens of other roles, mostly in European productions, and in the 1990s, returned to his native Vienna, Austria and his cabaret roots, and his love of sausage. "We have lost a huge actor," Vienna Mayor Michael Haeupl said in an understatement.

Hoops, Coupes, Nazi Oops

Bye, George
Before anyone wanted to be like Mike, everyone wanted to be like Mikan. Before there was Shaq, before there was Wilt, there was George Mikan, the first dominant big man and basketball’s first superstar who died last week at the age of 80 of diabetes-related complications. Named the greatest player of the first half of the 20th Century, Mikan was a member of the inaugural class of the basketball Hall of Fame. Mikan led the Minneapolis Lakers to 3 NBA championships as well as titles in the National Basketball League, an NBA precursor. Mikan’s dominance began in college, where he took DePaul to an NIT title in the days when that didn’t stand for “Not in the Tournament” and he forced the NCAA to adopt the goaltending rule. He continued shaping the rules in the pro ranks, where the lane was widened from 6 to 12 and then 16 feet to move him farther from the basket. After the Fort Wayne Pistons beat the Lakers 19-18, primarily by holding the ball to keep it out of Mikan’s hands, the NBA introduced the 24-second clock to keep other teams from doing the same. The league even considered raising the basket to 12 feet to counter his skills and played a regular season game at that height. Mikan helped Minneapolis join the ranks of the major sports cities, and his contribution was remembered with the addition of a statue in his honor outside the Target Center where the Minnesota Timberwolves now play. Mikan often traveled ahead of his team to drum up interest in road games, and one game at Madison Square Gardens famously was billed as the New York Knicks vs. George Mikan. When he arrived in the locker room, he found his teammates were standing around, not changing. He asked what was going on, and was told that they had seen the marquee and wanted to see how he’d do. After his retirement, Mikan’s stature was tapped as the first commissioner of the upstart American Basketball Association. Mikan had devoted the last years of his life to haranguing the NBA about the measly pensions of $1,000 a month afforded players who, like Mikan, played before 1965.

Have You Driven a Hearse Lately?

Or

Built for the Road of Dead

(Both from the mind of Monty)

Josephine Clay Ford, a leading philanthropist who was the only granddaughter of automotive pioneer Henry Ford, has died at the age of 81. While her brothers and nephews have been involved in building the family fortune, she was responsible for giving it away, to charities including the Detroit Institute of Arts, the Josephine Ford Cancer Center and the College for Creative Studies. Keeping in the Ford family tradition, she was more successful outside the home than in, as her younger son, Alfred Brush Ford, has shunned the family business and joined the Hare Krishna religious sect, renaming himself Ambarish Das.