Passing. Passing.

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Got the Tigers by the Toe Tag

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Ilitch Scratched

Mike Illtch, owner of the worst wig in professional sports, has died at the age of 87. A minor league second baseman with the Hot Springs Bathers, Jamestown Falcons, Tampa Smokers, Miami Beach Flamingos, Charlotte Hornets, Norfolk Tars and St. Petersburg Saints, Ilitch was forced to retire because of a knee injury, so he and his wife started making pizza. A lot of pizza. As of 2007, annual revenue for Little Caesar’s Pizza was $1.8 billion. As of December 2016, Ilitch was the 86th richest man in the United States with a net worth of $6.1 billion. He chose to take that dough and invest in professional sports, first with the Detroit Caesars of the American Professional Slow Pitch Softball League, winning two World Series titles before the league folded, then the Detroit Red Wings, buying the team in 1982 for $8 million. The Red Wings had missed the playoffs in 13 out of 15 seasons before Ilitch bought the team, but he threw enough money at it to make the playoffs in 30 of the last 32 years, including the last 25, the longest active streak in North American sports and 3rd longest of all time, and racking up 4 Stanley Cups – the team’s first since 1955. He was an early owner in the Arena Football League, with the Detroit Drive, who made the ArenaBowl in each of the team’s 6 seasons, winning 4, before being sold and moving to Worcester, Massachusetts to free up time and attention for Ilitch’s next big purchase. He bought the Detroit Tigers in 1992, and he inspired the team to 12 losing seasons over the next 13 years, including an AL-record 119 losses in 2003, though over the last 11 years they won 4 AL Central titles and 2 pennants. He also bought up a lot of depressed real estate in Detroit when everyone in the city left, keeping it depressed while waiting for the investment to pay off. He was lauded for his philanthropic efforts, and after his death, it was revealed that after Rosa Parks was beaten and robbed in her own apartment, Ilitch quietly had her moved into a nicer neighborhood and paid her rent for the last 11 years of her life, ensuring that the civil rights icon would live long enough to win me the 2005 GHI.

Slicing his way to the dogpile at 12th is Mike’s Trash List. 

This is the 2nd fastest year to 15 hits (2007).

The Corpse Smelled ‘Round the World

Ralph Branca, who made Bobby Thomson a household name, has died at the age of 90. Coming into Oct 3, 1951, Branca was a 3-time All-Star, a former 20-game winner and a major part of why the Brooklyn Dodgers had built a 13 ½ game lead in the NL in August over the New York Giants. The Giants had gotten insanely hot – possibly thanks in part to back up catcher Sal Yvars stealing signs from the bullpen – and the Dodgers had faded down the stretch, forcing a 3-game playoff for the NL pennant. After the teams had split the first two games, the Dodgers had taken a 4-1 lead in the top of the 8^th of Game 3. Two singles, a double and poor defensive positioning had led to a run scoring and brought the winning run to the plate in the form of Thomson. Despite the fact that Thomson had hit a game-winning HR off Branca in the first game of the playoff, Dodgers’ manager Charlie Dressen figured lightning wouldn’t strike twice and brought Branca back. You may recall broadcaster Russ Hodges’ exclamation “The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!” if you are trying to remember what happened next. Yvars later said that he had told Thomson what pitch was coming for the fateful HR, which Thomson denied, while admitting he had gotten the signs for his first 3 at-bats that day. A back injury in spring training in 1952 significantly limited Branca’s effectiveness, and he was out of baseball at the age of 30, playing in an Old Timers Game at Yankee Stadium in 1956 when his velocity caught the Dodgers’ attention and they brought him back for one final inning. Other career highlights include being one of the few Dodgers to stand alongside Jackie Robinson as he broke the color barrier on Opening Day 1947; becoming the first player in major league history to be ejected from a World Series game in which he wasn’t playing for bench jockeying the home plate umpire in Game 7 of the 1952 World Series; running the Baseball Assistance Team, a non-profit organization that provides financial aid to baseball players in need, for more than 17 years; and not stopping his daughter from marrying one of the biggest jackasses in baseball history: Bobby Valentine. 

Catcher in the Lie

Joe Garagiola, the guy you wished would shut up so you could hear more from Vin Scully, has died at the age of 90. Garagiola spent 9 seasons in the National League in the 1940s and ‘50s, playing for 4 teams when there were only 8 in the league. He was aware of his status as a major league fringe player, noting that he lived across the street from his best friend, Hall of Famer Yogi Berra, so “Not only wasn’t I the best catcher in the major leagues, I wasn’t even the best catcher on my block.” The highlight of his career came when as a rookie he outhit Ted Williams in the 1946 World Series. After he retired, he lent his name to a collection of anecdotes called Baseball is a Funny Game, to which he contributed about as much as he did to this obituary, thus earning him the reputation of a folksy storyteller, which led to jobs as game show host, baseball and wrestling broadcaster, Today Show panelist, partner in a series of poorly received TV ads with President Gerald Ford, guest host of The Tonight Show – where he had the only interview with active members of the Beatles – and of course, MC of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show for nearly a decade. He also betrayed the brotherhood, supporting the reserve clause that essentially bound major league baseball players in indentured servitude during Curt Flood’s lawsuit against Major League Baseball, a decision he later regretted. Garagiola’s most enduring contributions to baseball were as founder of the Baseball Assistance Team, an organization that raised money to support players from the days when players actually needed second jobs in the offseason to make ends meet because back-up shortstops weren’t making $4.5 million a year and his outspoken advocacy against the use of chewing tobacco. For these contributions, he was awarded the Buck O'Neil Lifetime Achievement Award, presented once every three years by the Baseball Hall of Fame for positive contributions to Major League Baseball. 

It’s Over

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Needs 6 Pallberras

(An epitaphany shared with Joe)

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Passed Ballplayer

(Solo props for Joe)

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Catcher in the Ground

(More jocularity from Joe)

Yogi Berra, the most beloved father of a coke dealing shortstop in major league baseball history, has taken the fork in the road, dying at the age of 90. Berra was a World War II veteran, landing on Normandy on D-Day, when he was so busy admiring the beauty of the Allies’ aerial formation that his sergeant had to advise him that if he intended on keeping his head, he’d better keep it down. The crucible of the World Series would be relaxing by comparison, which may help explain how in his 19 seasons, he played in 14 World Series, winning 10 and collecting 91 hits, both records unlikely to be matched. With jug ears and a perpetual grin, an awkward stance and a propensity to hit line drives on balls out of the strike zone, Berra looked more like a mascot than a ballplayer, but in a career that overlapped both Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle, Berra won 3 MVPs, and finished in the top 4 in MVP balloting in 7 straight seasons, a feat unmatched in history. After he retired in 1963 as the leading HR career hitter among catchers, he was named the manager of the Yankees, leading the aging team to the last pennant of their golden age and was immediately fired after the season. Not his most ignoble exit from the Yankees, as George Steinbrenner fired him 16 games into the 1985 season, which led Berra to exile himself until Steinbrenner made an apologetic pilgrimage to his homestead in Montclair, NJ. In addition to forcing the Boss to prostrate himself, Berra endeared himself to fans through his unique usage of language. Oft-quoted Yogisms include “No one goes there anymore, it’s too crowded,” “It gets late early out there,” in reference to a dark outfield, concluding Yogi Berra Day in St. Louis with "Thank you for making this day necessary," and addressed the preponderance of faux Yogi-ism by noting, "I really didn't say everything I said." Years ago, when Berra’s wife asked him whether he wanted to be buried in his hometown of St. Louis, New York, where he had spent his career, or near his Montclair home, Yogi replied, “Surprise me.” 

Gereing Up for the Afterlife

Don Zimmer, the one Yankee Pedro Martinez was not referring to when he called them his daddy, has died of heart and kidney problems at the age of 83. Baseball’s version of Forrest Gump, Zimmer spent 66 years as a player, manager, coach and fixture, proudly boasting that he never cashed a paycheck not directly related to the game. He played with Jackie Robinson, was a member of the Brooklyn Dodgers when they finally reached next year with the 1955 World Series Championship, and helped expand the game to the West Coast as a member of the first Los Angeles Dodgers team three years later. He was an original member of the New York Mets in 1962, going 0-for-34 for the worst team in major league history before getting traded to Cincinnati. As a manager, he cost the San Diego Padres their first no-hitter by re-positioning players with 2 outs in the 9th, resulting in the game’s first hit; the Padres still await that elusive no-no. As the Red Sox third base coach, he almost blew Game 6 of the 1975 World Series when his “No, no, no,” was misheard as “Go, go, go,” and Denny Doyle got himself thrown out at the plate. Not satisfied, he blew a 14-game lead as manager of the 1978 Red Sox, then started a rookie pitcher rather than aces Bill Lee (the man who dubbed him Gerbil) or Luis Tiant in the 1-game playoff helping to cost them the division title. He won a surprise division title with the 1989 Chicago Cubs, earning Manager of the Year honors. He was a coach in the inaugural season of the Colorado Rockies in 1993, the first MLB expansion in 16 years. And in his third go-round as a coach with the New York Yankees, he was Joe Torre’s right-hand man for 4 World Series championships, filling in as manager when Torre was being treated for prostate cancer in 1999, the one year in 5 they didn’t win it all. In 2003, at the age of 72, during a shoving match in a Red Sox-Yankees playoff game, he took a run at Martinez, who threw him to the turf at Fenway Park to the delight of fans. In 2011, then coaching for the Tampa Bay Rays, he left the bench in the 6th inning of the last game of the season, as any good baseball man would be apt to do, and on his drive home, decided to turn around to say his goodbyes, arriving in time to see the Rays rally to win the game and make the playoffs. All of it almost never happened, as he was nearly killed in a 1953 minor league game when he was hit with a pitch, sustaining a fractured skull and spending two weeks in a coma. The incident helped push MLB to make batting helmets available, but Zimmer, a once-promising prospect, was reduced to role player status. Almost 50 years later, he was hit by a foul ball in the dugout of a game, prompting the Yankees to install protective fences, a move that was duplicated by most other teams.

Look for the Union Grave

Michael Weiner, the only graduate of Williams College, aka The College of Middle Earth, aka Zork State, to be any good at baseball, has died of a brain tumor at the age of 51, thus sparing himself the agony of having to stand by Alex Rodriguez in his circus. Weiner brought a rare semblance of common sense to his role as executive director of the Major League Baseball Players Association, a role formerly held by irrational, pompous douchebag Donald Fehr. Whereas Fehr and moron commissioner Bud Selig sat idly by while baseball tried to steroid and PED itself to death, and then Fehr ignored the wishes of the vast majority of baseball players and dug in his heels to counter efforts to expand drug testing, Weiner reached agreements to try and catch and punish the miserable cheats ruining the greatest game. Baseball’s drug testing policy is now the most comprehensive in sports. He was also able to negotiate a 5-year labor contract without a lockout or strike, which previously had been as crucial to the process as ink and paper.

Stan the Dead Man

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Fallen Arches

 

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Deep Sixed

Stan Musial, the greatest baseball player ever in the City with a Handle, has died of Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 92. A promising minor league pitcher, Musial hurt his arm and had to make do with the National League record for hits, 16 straight .300 seasons, 3 NL MVP Awards, a record 24 All-Star Games, and 3 World Series Rings. He was kind of the National League answer to Ted Williams, except he wasn’t a miserable bastard everyone hated. Musial was arguably the most beloved west of the Bronx, when St. Louis represented the western edge of Major League Baseball. After notching his 3,000^th hit in Chicago, fans cheered the team train at whistlestops all the way back to St. Louis. An annual highlight of the Hall of Fame Induction was Musial entertaining the crowd by playing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” on his harmonica. The statue of Musial in his corkscrew stance outside Busch Stadium bears the valedictory then-commissioner Ford C. Frick gave to Musial’s career the day he retired: “Here stands baseball’s perfect warrior. Here stands baseball’s perfect knight.” 

Dietz and what’s done

Dick Dietz, a former All-Star catcher with the San Francisco Giants, best known for failing to get out of the way of a Don Drysdale pitch, got in the way again, this time of the Grim Reaper’s scythe, at the age of 63. As Drysdale was compiling his then-record string of 58 1/3 shutout innings, he faced the Giants on May 31, 1968. With the bases loaded and none out in the 9th, Drysdale hit Dietz with a pitch, which would have driven in a run and ended the streak, but the home plate umpire immediately determined that Dietz had not made an effort to get out of the way of the pitch and was not entitled to the base. Drysdale got out of the jam and completed the shutout.