Bentsen and Hedges

I’ve known living people. You sir, are not a living person.
(A shared epitaphany, more or less, with Shawn, Craig and Greg)

I Knew Jack Kennedy. And now I’ll get to see him again.
(Kudos to observer Tammy Dotts)

Bentsen Hearsed
(Props to Joe Wright)
Lloyd Bentsen, VP slam artist and Dukakis After Dark fixture, has died at the age of 185 – so old, the guy who wrote his obituary for the New York Times died in January. In his long career, the moderate pro-business Democrat was a disciple to House legend Sam Rayburn, having entered the House in 1948 as a 27-year-old former colonel who was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross in WWII, then after furthering the family fortune, joined the Senate in 1970 by defeating George Bush the first in 1970. So it was a bit of a rematch when Bush and Dan Quayle locked horns with Mike Dukakis and Bentsen in 1988, when Bentsen uttered the first memorable words in the history of vice presidential debates. Or the history of Omaha. When asked about his youth, Quayle remarked that John F. Kennedy had little experience before his 1960 presidential campaign. Bentsen, ignoring President Reagan’s approach of not taking advantage of his opponent’s youth and inexperience, Bentsen lined him up against the wall and took the shot: “Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.” Quayle’s status as permanent punchline was secured, but there was that little matter of a tank ride in a helmet and a rapist on furlough and an unfortunate dynasty was founded. With the score 1-to-1, Bentsen scored the tie-breaker by brokering the 1990 budget deal that forced Bush to back-pedal on his “Read my lips, no new taxes” campaign pledge. With that battering ram, Bill Clinton took the presidency in 1992 and Bentsen scored the kickback of a gig as Treasury Secretary.

After three years of waiting, Mike finally got Bentsen, and his Team One moves into a tie at 14th with the solo hit.

In tribute to a great American Patriot, I am compiling a collection of samples of Lloyd Bentsen’s signature. If anyone wants to contribute, this signature is most easily found on U.S. currency during his 1993-94 term as Treasury Secretary, which can be forwarded to me.

Elsewhere…

Goodbye, Kids

Or
No More Clowning Around
(Balloon animals for Monty)
Lew Anderson, the last man to don the skullcap of Clarabell the Clown on the Howdy Doody Show, will never again celebrate with a little song, a little dance…a little seltzer down his pants, succumbing to prostate cancer at the age of 84. Bob Keeshan, better known without makeup as Captain Kangaroo, originated the role of the mute bike horn-honking, seltzer-spraying clown in 1948, but Anderson was the best according to Buffalo Bob and was the last, breaking the clown vow of silence in the show’s final episode, closing out the final episode with a tear in his eye and uttering, “Goodbye Kids.”

They’re going to need another cranky character actor
Paul Gleason, best remembered as the Barry Manilow wardrobe-borrowing, bull horn giving principal of Shermer High School in The Breakfast Club, has died at the age of 67 of mesothelioma, hopefully not before calling the law offices of James Sokolove. Gleason also stole the orange juice concentrate futures report before settling to an island retreat as a gorilla’s bitch in Trading Places. In addition, Gleason was inept LAPD Deputy Chief Dwayne T. Robinson in Die Hard. Gleason reprised his two best-known roles in parodies – Dwayne T. Robinson from Die Hard returned in Loaded Weapon and Richard Vernon from Breakfast Club returned in Not Another Teen Movie.

Tim Tyler’s Out of Luck
Frankie Thomas, an early child star best known as Tom Corbett, Space Cadet, has died at the age of 85. Thomas also starred in “Tim Tyler’s Luck,” a 1937 adventure serial and was Nancy Drew’s droll boyfriend, Ted Nickerson, in four movies. Thomas beat out Jack Lemmon for the lead of the 1950 TV series about the Space Academy cadet in training to become a member of the elite Solar Guard, 400 years in the future. Thomas gave up acting after that show, but at his request was buried in his “Tom Corbett, Space Cadet” costume.

Marco for Death
Paul Marco, part of Edward D. Wood Jrs.’ Mercury Theater-esque troop of players, has died at the age of 80, or so. Marco’s signature role was Kelton the Cop, which he originated in Bride of the Monster, a role specifically written into the movie for him by the auteur after being discovered by TV psychic Criswell. Kelton returned for Plan 9 from Outer Space and Night of the Ghouls (which sat on the shelf for 24 years because no one could pay the lab bill), and each of the three are candidates for the title worst film ever. In the 1990s, when Tim Burton’s biopic brought Wood back into the limelight, Marco founded his own fan club to cash in.

Fowl Play
(Monty on the animal obit beat)

Or
Boo Boo, the Ranger’s Not Going to Like This
Boo Boo, the clinically depressed exotic chicken saved from drowning by mouth to beak resuscitation 3 months ago has died. The rescue made national headlines and The Tonight Show as the bird-loving owner pulled the chicken out of a pool and slapped a wet one. The chicken then laid three eggs, enabling the owner to determine whether Boo Boo was male or female.

They'll have plenty of loofa in the next life
(Accolades for Craig)

Or
Ironhead Succumbs to Brain Thingy
(Honorifics for Joe)

Or
Zestfully Dead
Craig “Ironhead” Heyward, NFL running back and shower soap shill, has succumbed to a recurring brain tumor at the age of 39. In an 11-year, 8-team career, Heyward rushed for more than 4,300 yards and 30 TDs, most famously with the New Orleans Saints, following an All-American career at Pitt.

Kept Meter, Odds Defeater, Feet Fleeter, Head Beater

Rocked by the Infinite
Stanley Kunitz, poet, has died at the age of 100. His career spanned 75 years and included the 1959 Pulitzer Prize for the creatively titled “Selected Poems: 1928-1958,” a National Medal of the Arts and a National Book Award at the age of 90 and was named U.S. poet laureate at the age of 95. Among his works were “Then Snakes of September,” which was expanded into the screenplay for this summer’s “Snakes on a Plane,” “The Portrait,” in which he recalled his father’s suicide, and the spiritual journey of “The Long Boat.” Along the way he was also a failed farmer, lousy soldier and abortive professor, proving those who can’t do anything, write poetry.

Those who forecast the last stanza included Kirsti’s You're as Young as You Feel, and You Feel Pretty Wrinkly, making her move with her second hit in 2 weeks, jumping from last to 12th over that time, while Shawn’s Team Two – Older, Monty’s Great Hits of Brits and Lits and Natalie join the dogpile at 18th.

Six Million Dollar Corpse
Bruce Peterson made weekly appearances on TV for 4 years, but you’ve probably never heard of him. And now he’s dead at the age of 72 of natural causes. Aren’t you ashamed? Peterson was the test pilot for the M2-F2, a wingless aircraft dropped from a B-52 that performed about as well as you might expect a wingless aircraft to, crashing spectacularly into a dry lakebed in 1967. The accident and the recovery that followed inspired ‘70s classic The Six Million Dollar Man, though Peterson joked that his parts cost a little less, and footage from his accident was part of the opening montage on the program.

Stunted
Jim Delsing, midget caddy, has died at the age of 80. An outstanding defensive outfielder for 10 seasons in the majors, Delsing’s most memorable moment came after Eddie Gaedel’s lone major league plate appearance. Desperate for publicity, St. Louis Browns’ owner Bill Veeck hired the 3-foot-8 inch circus performer to pinch-hit in the first inning of a game. With a strike zone a shade smaller than Rickey Henderson’s, Gaedel walked on four pitches. Not willing to wait the 35 minutes it would have taken to advance him to second, the Browns pinch-ran for him with Jim Delsing, who was stranded at third as the Browns lost again.

Listing Beats Patterson
(Props to Joe)

Boxer in a Box
(Stolen from The Derby Dead Pool where I’m biding my time in 26th)
Floyd Patterson, who got hit in the head a lot by some of the greatest heavyweights of all time, has died of complications of Alzheimer’s and prostate cancer at the age of 71. Patterson escaped the Bronx to become the youngest man to win the world heavyweight championship, then lose it, then win it again, the first man to recapture the title, then lost it again, skulking out of the arena in dark glasses, a fake mustache and beard, then lost a rematch. After winning the 1952 middleweight gold medal with 5 straight knockouts, Patterson fashioned a 55-8-1 career professional record, winning a then-record $8 million in purses. Patterson developed a reputation as a peaceful gentleman, even while bludgeoning men into pulp. He later served as Chairman of the New York State Athletic Association, but resigned abruptly when it was revealed the battles of his boxing career had left him with little memory of it or much of anything else.

Braithless

Out of Braith

Or
Left
(Both props to Monty, no doubt gloating over the death of a liberal icon)
John Kenneth Galbraith, giant liberal economist, has stopped draining the economy at the age of 97. In a lifetime of public service, the economist, teacher and diplomat spent most of the last half century as the liberal finger in the dike holding back conservative hegemony with wit, eloquence and an ability to boil down complex concepts while also poking the establishment at every opportunity and challenging the “conventional wisdom,” a phrase he coined. With 33 books and countless articles, Galbraith was one of the most widely read authors in economics, but his work was more than Laffer curves and supply and demand. The Affluent Society (1958) was intended to force America to re-examine its values as the upper classes were becoming increasingly disinterested in lower classes or the public good. His 1996 follow-up The Good Society showed that the re-examination was flawed as the country had become a “democracy of the fortunate,” with lower economic classes outside looking in. His influence with the Democratic Party started with organizing price controls in World War II and speechwriting for Franklin Roosevelt. He ascended to serve as adviser to two-time Presidential loser Adlai Stevenson, advising John F. Kennedy and serving as his ambassador to India, he helped Lyndon Johnson develop the Great Society, but broke with him over the Vietnam War, opting to back Eugene McCarthy in the 1968 campaign. All along he served as one of the most popular professors at Harvard, a post he held at the time of his death.

Seven of us shared the 20 points he couldn’t take with him: Mark’s Beltway Boneyard III: Filibustering the Grim Reaper takes over 1st, Shawn’s Team One – Oldest, pulls into a tie at 6th, Monty’s DC Dead leaps into 11th while Craig’s Why Won’t You Just Die?, Kirsti’s You're as Young as You Feel, and You Feel Pretty Wrinkly, Michelle’s Faster, Pussycat, Die! Die! and my Better Dead than Red State cluster in the 7-way lanterne rouge at 23rd.

Mark tops the leaderboard for the first time since the Dudley Moore-Milton Berle murder-suicide pact of March 27, 2002. And with Craig’s hit, the what are you waiting for finger points to Jenni, sitting quietly since the Vatican called in the John Paulbearers on April 2, 2005.

Others I’ve been remiss in not including the last couple weeks…

Relieved

Or
Howe Long We’ve Been Expecting This
Steve Howe, the very definition of troubled athlete, was killed at the age of 48 when his pick-up truck overturned in a single-vehicle accident. Howe’s family appealed the coroner’s ruling, and the death has been overturned by arbitrator George Nicolau. Howe was NL Rookie of the Year in 1980, helped win the World Series in 1981 and was on the All-Star team in 1982. By 1992, he had been suspended for drug abuse seven times, including a lifetime ban that was overturned. Between suspensions, he compiled a career record of 47-41 with 91 saves and a 3.03 ERA with the Dodgers, Twins, Rangers and Yankees. He also had a stint with the Sioux Falls Canaries of the Northern League. He was suspended for the 1984 and 1986 seasons for cocaine, was released before the 1988 season because of alcohol, was arrested with a loaded .357 Magnum at JFK International Airport in 1996 and was nearly killed in a motorcycle accident in 1997 when he was drunk.

Proof, of Death

Or
He's in the pudding now...
(Props to master of the 5 words, Craig)
First Reason fell at the hand of George W. Bush, now Proof was gunned down in a nightclub shooting in Detroit. Proof, known to his moms as Deshaun Holton, member of D12 and close friend of Eninem, was gunned down in a nightclub along Eight Mile Road. Proof was the best man at Eminem’s wedding and appeared with him at concerts and public appearances.

Star-Crossed
The first person to fly twice the speed of sound, but he couldn’t outrun the Blue Ridge Mountains in this modern updating of the American Indian custom as Scott Crossfield died in a plane crash at the age of 84. Crossfield was part of the early envelope pushers including Chuck Yeager who laid the groundwork for the space program. On Nov. 20, 1953, Crossfield took the controls of a rocket-powered Douglas D-558-2 that had been dropped from a B-29 mother ship at 32,000 feet. He climbed to 72,000 feet, then dived to 62,000 feet, where his speed topped 1,320 miles per hour. In a later flight of the X-15, another rocket-powered craft, in 1959, he flew at 1,960 miles per hour — almost three times the speed of sound — and 88,116 feet above the earth.

Mother of television goes off the air
(Props to Kirsti)
Elma Gardner “Pem” Farnsworth, who helped her husband, Philo T. Farnsworth, develop the television and was among the first people whose images were transmitted on TV, has died at age 98. A number of inventors in the 1920s experimented with TV, but Farnsworth reached the breakthrough that has been babysitting America’s children for the last 25 years. The first broadcast was of a horizontal line in 1927, and it was 2 years before Elma and her brother became the first stars of the small screen, achieving a 100 share, albeit on the only receiver in existence. After RCA initially claimed the invention, Farnsworth was awarded the patent in the courts, but he and his wife spent decades trying to earn the recognition.

The Ultimate Market Correction
(More kudos for Mark)

Or
Now Trading at Zero
(Additional honorifics for Mark)

Or
Black Wednesday
(Props to Mark)

Or
Wall Street Corpse
(Monty mourns)

Or
Wall Street Weak
Louis Rukeyser, who felt financial matters weren’t hard enough to listen to and added pun-fueled essays to his weekly Wall $treet Week With Louis Rukeyser on PBS, died yesterday of multiple myeloma at the age of 73. The Princeton grad served as a foreign correspondent for ABC in the 1960s, then spent three years as the network’s first financial correspondent, before launching Wall Street Week from a Maryland PBS station. Deemed not sexy enough for the Friday night PBS audience, Rukeyser was fired in 2002 and took his crystal ball to his new home at CNBC, which does still exist, the next year.

My Name Was Earl
(Laudatories for Mark)

Or
Felled
(Tip o’ the cap for Mark)

Or
Stopping in Woods on Every Evening
(And since it seems appropriate for this obit, here’s a little something for your trouble, Mark)
Earl Woods, golf dad, has died at the age of 74. A catcher at Kansas State, Woods was the first black to play baseball in the Big Eight, but the apple fell far from the tree and his son pursued less honest athletic pursuits. He also served two tours in Vietnam as a Green Beret, preparing him to hack his way through the deepest roughs as Tiger’s caddy. Earl began oppressing his son at an early age, swinging a golf club as Tiger watched in a high chair.

Back in the studio with Otis and Duane
(Mark strikes again)

Or
Capricorn None
(Coen coins another)
Phil Walden, founder of southern rock label Capricorn Records, has died at the age of 66. Walden’s attention was the kiss of death, as he first championed Otis Redding, who died in a plane crash in Madison, Wisconsin. While still mourning Redding, Walden discovered Duane Allman, ensuring his death at the age of 24 in a motorcycle accident. Capricorn collapsed amid Walden’s mismanagement and drug abuse, but he rebounded to find Jim Varney, and served as his manager in the low-brow but lucrative Ernest movies until Varney’s premature death at the age of 50.

The Death of Great American Critics
(Can I get a whoop whoop for Joe?)
Jane Jacobs, who failed to realize that New York City is a depressing cesspool that deserves to be bulldozed into oblivion, has died at the age of 89. Her ashes were used to draw a line around a tree in New York to prevent its eventual removal. Jacobs gained notoriety when she stood in the way of Robert Moses Lower Manhattan Expressway, helping to kill the project and sparing many neighborhoods the same fate suffered when Moses forced through the Cross Bronx Expressway. She wrote one of the seminal books on urban planning, The Death and Life of Great American Cities, which criticized urban renewal as a destroyer of communities.