Hale and Not-so Hearty

(Props to Monty)

Or

Dead-end Street

(Additional accolades for Monty)

Barbara Hale, best remembered as a randy middle-aged astronomer trying to combat The Giant Spider Invasion in the MST3K classic, has died of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease at the age of 94. She had some high-profile roles opposite top leading men, most notably headlining Lorna Doone, then spent 13 years in Raymond Burr’s shadow as Della Street, his ever-capable legal secretary, on Perry Mason. Twenty years later, Street put all the tricks she learned to good use, committing a murder that forces Mason to give up his job as an appellate court judge so that he can come to her defense. Other roles included Dean Martin’s wife in Airport, and playing William Katt’s mother in real life and in The Greatest American Hero and Big Wednesday.

Man-Nix

(Props to Monty)Or

Dead Mannix Walking

Or

Touched

Mike Connors, best remembered as an undercover FBI agent tagging along with escaped women prisoners to recapture diamonds in the swamp in the MST3K’ed “classic” Swamp Diamonds, has died of leukemia at the age of 91. A high school standout basketball player, where he earned the nickname, and occasional screen name, “Touch,” Connors played briefly at UCLA under John Wooden, where his expressive face gained notice and he found work in a bunch of cheapie Westerns and thrillers before ending up as a crewman trying to find John Wayne’s downed plane in Island in the Sky. His big break came in 1967 with Mannix, with Connors first the old-school oddball in a high-tech detective agency, then as the more traditional solo PI. The show was non-descript and stuck to the formula, with Mannix’s quirks consisting of a trove of Armenian proverbs to sum up any circumstance and a tendency to get his ass kicked in every episode, by one estimate getting shot 17 times and knocked unconscious 55 times over the course of the series. Connors became one of the top paid stars on TV, and scored 4 Emmy nominations and a Golden Globe win. His last role was as a love interest for Holland Taylor on Two and a Half Men before we knew her preferences were younger and with firmer breasts.

x

No Longer in a World O'Hurt

Or

Hurt's Empire of Dirt

John Hurt, who was so good an actor it was worth screwing up the careful numbering system of Doctor Who, has died at the age of 77. Best remembered for getting face raped and giving birth to an angry jumbo shrimp in Alien and having the sense of humor to do it again for Spaceballs, Hurt was generally regarded as one of the finest actors of his generation. He was the far less entertaining (aka non-Bob Guccioned) Caligula in BBC’s I, Claudius. He earned Oscar nominations as a smack-addicted inmate in a Turkish prison in Midnight Express and allegedly as the guy under all the makeup in The Elephant Man. He was also the rat-averse Winston Smith in Nineteen Eighty-Four, Hellboy’s handler, the only thing worth watching in Contact as a brilliant and reclusive terminally ill billionaire, and Indy’s alien-addled friend Harold Oxley in the shark-jumping, fridge-nuking, franchise-killing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Hurt’s cancer diagnosis was one of many catastrophes to befall Terry Gilliam’s legendary development disaster The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, as he had been slated to star in the 8th attempt to make the movie. He was revealed as the man who ended the Time War between the Time Lords and the Daleks as the War Doctor in The Time of the Doctor, though all 13 of The Doctor’s incarnations were later able to hide Gallifrey in a moment in time (even if the War Doctor tragically would not retain the memory when he returned to his own time stream and still thought he had killed billions in order to end the war. Yes, I am that big a geek.) Upsetting such a critical element of the long-running show’s mythology required an actor of Hurt’s stature to quell the show’s vocal lunatic fans, while seeing Hurt’s world-weary doctor rolling his eyes at the youthful overexuberance of Matt Smith and David Tennant was just great fun. His last performance will be in later this year in Darkest Hour, as Nazi-appeasing British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain.

Petrie-fied

(Props to Mark)

Or

You're not going to make it after all

(Kudos to Phil)

Or

You’re gonna wake it after all

(Fraternal variation from Peter)

Or

Who can turn the ventilator off, with a smile?

Or

Mary Tyler Less

(Additional accolades for Mark)

Or

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants

(Historical huzzahs for Steve)

Or

Chuckles Got the Last Laugh

(A technically correct, as the last actor to play Chuckles is still alive, though the character and the first actor to play him are in that great TV studio in the sky, observation from Peter)

Or

#meow

(Update on a theme, from Phil)
Mary Tyler Moore, best remembered for showing off her working breasts in Flirting with Disaster, has died of complications from pneumonia at the age of 80. In her honor, her family is preparing a dreadful dinner party. After several years of bit parts in sitcoms, Moore scored the role of Laura Petrie, wife of comedy writer Rob, mother of incredibly dumb and annoying son Richie, in The Dick Van Dyke Show, where she was one of the first TV wives allowed to be smart and funny. And wear capri pants. Well known for her addictions, one classic sitcom wasn’t enough, so she created The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and her intelligent, ambitious, independent, and regretfully spunky Mary Richards became a feminist icon, in addition to being hilarious. The show also showed Moore’s business acumen, as she and husband Grant Tinker’s production company, MTM, also developed Newhart, St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, WKRP in Cincinnati, and, of course, The Texas Wheelers, starring Gary Busey, Mark Hamill and Jack Elam. All under the watchful eye of Mimsie. MTM also produced Mary, an ill-conceived and ill-fated variety show starring Moore, which also featured Michael Keaton and David Letterman, whose disbelieving smirk and thinly veiled contempt for the goings-on are the show’s lone redeeming qualities. Later projects sought to counter her image by putting her in roles that were more dramatic; like her Oscar-nominated turn as an icy housewife in Ordinary People and as Mary Todd Lincoln, opening the door for fellow sitcom star Sally Field to not get to see the end of Our American Cousin; caustic, like in Flirting with Disaster and in cameos as Jackie’s bitchy boss on That ‘70s Show; or not funny, like in Mary and Annie McGuire. 

No Way, Jose

Miguel Jose Ferrer, best remembered as the man who designed RoboCop, but wasn’t smart enough to not cross Ronny Cox, has died of throat cancer at the age of 61. The son of Jose Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney, cousin of George Clooney and brother-in-law of Debbie Boone, Ferrer’s first major role was as a deck officer of the USS Excelsior, sabotaged by Montgomery Scott in its pursuit of the stolen Enterprise in Star Trek III. He took over the DeepStar Six when it was attacked by a sea monster in 1989, the summer of the sea monster movies, and tried to sell Gordon Shumway in the TV movie Project: ALF. He played abrasive forensics expert Albert Rosenfeld in Twin Peaks, was the head of the Office of the Criminal Examiner in Crossing Jordan and until his death, was assistant director on NCIS: Los Angeles. Ironically, the cigarettes that led to his cancer also contributed to his gruff voice, which kept him in high demand as a voiceover specialist, especially with superheros, as he voiced Sinestro, Aquaman, J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, thought he also found himself on screen rubbing elbows with the Justice League of America as The Weather Wizard, the Bionic Woman, and Iron Man as Vice President Rodriguez.