Let’s not go to Camelot, ‘tis a silly place

(Kudos to Craig)

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Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr., the latter day Geoffrey of Monmouth, who determined that the 1,000 days of the Kennedy presidency were the most important in human history, has died following a heart attack at the age of 89. In more than 20 books, mostly from his unapologetically liberal viewpoint, he helped shape the political debate of the 20th century and expanded the significance of social history, winning two Pulitzer Prizes and the National Book Award. While most closely associated with the Kennedys, he also posthumously kissed the assess of Andrew Jackson and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, arguing that strong, if illiterate or immobile, individuals could bend history. He offered a historical perspective on George the Second’s war of terror on civil liberties, predicting it would have the same effect similar efforts have had in the past: “We hate ourselves in the morning.” Schlesinger was often criticized for his revisionist history, starting with his own name. The son of influential historian Arthur Schlesinger, Schlesinger the second changed his given middle name to that of his father’s so he could slap the Jr. onto his publications. He also could turn a blind eye to unpleasantness about his subjects, such as Kennedy’s philandering and Jackson’s shameful treatment of the Indians.

Three Pooligans were ready for this historical chapter to be over, and Craig’s The Killers’ Greatest Hits moves into 5th, while Michelle’s As I Lay Dying and Matt tie for 11th. Monty could use some revisionism here, as he had Art listed in 2004 but could not resist the siren’s call of acromegaly.

Schlesinger caps the first 7-hit month in the history of the GHI, which puts us on pace for 72 hits for the year.

On a vaguely related note for the three of you who got this far, while the Oscar In Memoriam Reel always has interesting inclusions and oversights – Yvonne De Carlo and Oscar winner Sidney Sheldon got no love, but Tamara Dobson, who struck aluminum as Cleopatra Jones, made the list – but this year may have been a first. Despite having died July 19, 2005 (574 days before the 2007 Oscar cast) and having appeared in the 2006 In Memoriam Tribute, James Doohan made a second posthumous appearance. Once again, Scotty giving it all he had, and a wee bit more.

In an even more vaguely related note, while I am often chastised for my morbidity in running a dead pool, I got some interesting company this week. The University of Oklahoma has taken out life insurance policies on 25 donors, with them paying the premiums in return for being named as beneficiary. In other words, the university will be bankrolling its future on the deaths of its boosters. But I’m the sick bastard.

Me Chris, Him Dead

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Vine and Dandy
Bruce Bennett, who traded a shot put for a loincloth, has died at the age of 100. Born Herman Brix, he set a world record in the shot put at the 1928 Olympics. Unfortunately, he was an even better motivational speaker then an athlete, as his pep talk to teammate John Kuck inspired him to go out and break Brix’s new record and claim the gold medal, while Brix held on to the silver. Following his playing days, he added an air of civility to Tarzan in 1935’s The New Adventures of Tarzan, introducing himself to explorers not with “Me Tarzan,” but “Why, yes, I’m Tarzan, also known as Lord Greystoke. How may I help you?” Although Edgar Rice Burroughs felt he was the closest to the literary character he created, moviegoers preferred their Tarzans monosyllabic, and after Brix appeared in two more unsuccessful jungle pics, grunting was de rigueur for future vine-hanging commuters. Afraid of being typecast, Brix became Bennett and appeared in more than 100 films, often as a leading man in Gary Cooper-lite roles. Better-remembered roles included the solitary prospector who tries to horn in on The Treasure of the Sierra Madre before getting offed by banditos, who narrowly beat Humphrey Bogart to the honors, Joan Crawford’s ex-husband in Mildred Pierce, and an underhanded Nazi running afoul of Bogart again in Sahara.

Three choosy Pooligans knew Brix was for dead and score 6.6666667 points apiece: Shawn’s Team One - Old and Kirsti’s You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby (circa Nineteen Aught Two) tie for 8th and Monty’s Dead? No, Acting takes 21st.

Wanna Go Down Like Lundy, Lundy, Lundy

The least remembered member of the Fearsome Foursome, the LA Rams defensive line of the 1960s, is the first to die. Lamar Lundy played defensive end for the Rams for his entire 13-year career, teaming with Merlin Olsen, Deacon Jones and Rosey Grier to form one of the most storied defensive units in NFL history. Like the others, Lundy pursued acting, but his lone screen appearance was as a lumbering giant on an episode of Lost in Space. Still less embarrassing then showing up in the Brady’s backyard or getting Ray Milland’s head sewed to your shoulder.

DOAJ

Dennis Johnson, defensive star on NBA Championship teams in Boston and Seattle, died of a heart attack at the age of 52. The MVP of the 1979 finals as the Supersonics won Seattle’s only major championship, Johnson was traded to the Phoenix Suns and Seattle didn’t contend for a decade. The Philadelphia 76ers went to the NBA Finals in 1982 and 1983, with Andrew Toney – the Boston Strangler – helping ensure Eastern Conference titles over the Celtics. In 1984, the Celtics acquired Johnson, won the NBA Championship and the Sixers didn’t return to the finals until 2001. To get a perspective on how good Johnson was, the two greatest players of the 1980s, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson, referred to him respectively as “one of the best teammates I ever had,” and “the best backcourt defender of all time.”

Lo-thar, of the Dead People

Lothar-Guenther Buchheim, the German author who turned his experiences as a submariner in World War II into a number of novels and nonfiction books has gotten Das Boot from heart failure at the age of 89.

-30-

BC Bob Monahan, apologist for Chestnut Hill Community College, has died after six decades of getting off on watching young men sweat. The hack reporter covered Boston college athletics for the Boston Record, American and Globe since 1952, when he reported on the first outing of the eventual Boston institution the Beanpot.

Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Gray Papon?

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Vichy Sois

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The Final Collaboration

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Veni, Vidi, Vichy
(They came, they saw, he surrendered)
Maurice Papon, the original Cabernet-swilling, baguette-sucking surrender monkey, has offered up his final collaboration when his heart capitulated at 96. Papon was a French civil servant when the German tanks came, and stuck around to keep the trains running for the new overlords. Especially the trains to Auschwitz and Buchenwald, as Papon’s signature was found on orders that sent thousands of Jews to their deaths. Papon later testified that he and his fellow gutless sell-outs had been balancing German demands against the interests of France and of the Jews. Guess who won? Papon’s ass kissing skills came in handy, as he made enough friends in the Resistance to have them vouch for him after the war and he resumed his civil service career under Charles de Gaulle’s wing, eventually taking over the police. During his tenure as top cop, between 40 and 200 Algerians were killed by police during a demonstration and their bodies dumped in the Seine, a prominent Moroccan disappeared and several Frenchmen were killed during another demonstration. He then entered politics and rising to the rank of government minister. In 1981, the transportation documents with his signature came to light, and in a scant 14 years, Papon was put on trial, with Papon claiming it was a show trial and ironically comparing himself to Alfred Dreyfus. He was convicted of complicity in Nazi crimes against humanity, but served only 3 years of his 10-year sentence due to his age, heart condition and the French judicial system making as much sense as the rules to bid whist. In acknowledging his passing French President Jacques Chirac said, “Of course he surrendered. It is in our DNA. He just enjoyed it a little too much.” Chirac then surrendered his Louis XIV desk as part of the terms of ending the interview.

Kirsti was Papon’s final collaborator, scoring 20 points to put her You’ve Got a Date With an Angel (of Death) team in the 6-person dogpile in 10th.

The King and His Corpse

(Don delivers again)

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Feigning Interration
(Don turns lexicographer)
Eddie Feigner, the Meadowlark Lemon of the diamond who spent 50 years amusing fans with a 4-man softball team known as The King and His Court, has died at the age of 81. With a bulging right arm and a trademark crew cut, the retired Marine pitched in more than 10,000 games, with 930 no-hitters and 238 perfect games while notching 141,517 strikeouts with a fast ball recorded at 104 mph. Among his career highlights were a nationally televised exhibition at Dodger Stadium where he struck out Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Maury Wills, Harmon Killebrew, Roberto Clemente and Brooks Robinson in order. His career came to an end after a stroke in 2000 that occurred a day after he threw out the first pitch before the women's softball competition in the Sydney Olympics. Ever the showman, Feigner pitched not only from the standard mound, but also from second base, behind his back, on his knees, between his legs, from center field and blindfolded. On The Tonight Show he pitched blindfolded to a tentative Johnny Carson, nailing the bat in Johnny's hands on the first pitch. The idea of the 4-man squad came in 1946 after Feigner had led a 9-man team to a rout of a team in Walla Walla, Washington and on a dare beat that same team the next day with only 4 men as Feigner pitched a perfect game. On King of the Hill, Feigner’s barnstormers were parodied as Hank’s team beat a similarly renowned 4-man team with a succession of bunts to the unmanned third base.

This one was right in Shawn’s wheelhouse, as he records a solo hit to move his Team One Older into a 10th place tie.

Bauer Outage
(Another cap tip to Don)
Hank Bauer, an ex-Marine with a face “like a clenched fist” who went on to star with the Yankee dynasty of the 1950s, has died of cancer at the age of 84. In 12 seasons with the Yankees, he won 9 AL pennants and 7 World Series championships while making 3 All-Star teams. He set the all-time postseason batting record by hitting in 17 consecutive World Series games. After retiring, he managed the Baltimore Orioles to their first World Series title. The pressure of the postseason pared in comparison to Bauer’s tours in the Pacific in World War II, where he saw action on Okinawa and Guadalcanal, earning two Bronze Stars and two Purple Hearts.

The Grey Poupon Passes
(More from Massachusetts’ own Don)

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Folding Like a House of Cards
(Further florals for Don)
Ian Richardson, a Scottish actor renowned for his work on film, television and stage, has died at the age of 72. Famed for his role as Francis Urquhart, the JR Ewing of Parliament, but with icy wit in place of oily twang, on the BBC series House of Cards, he was classically trained and was a founding member of the Royal Shakespearean Company player. In America, however, he’s remembered for his line in a famed commercial from the mid-1980s: “Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?”

Breast in Peace

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Twit Peaks

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Guess Not

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Texas Toast

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From Funbags to Bodybags
(Props to Don)

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The Decidence of Decadence
(Additional accolades for Don)

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Seminal Beginnings and Seminole Endings
(More merits for Don)
Anna Nicole Smith, the redneck, white trash, gold-digging, liver spot-loving, big-haired, boobie-baring, poodle-lugging, TrimSpa-hawking, classless, clueless, useless train wreck of a trailer park escapee has died at the age of 39. Well, most of her was 39, anyway. She started as a stripper, sent pics to Playboy and became 1993 Playmate of the Year, in 1994, she married J. Howard Marshall II, an 89-year-old billionaire she had known from her dancing days. Little more than a year later, the storybook romance was over with Marshall's death and she’s been battling for more than 10 years to get her clutches on the inheritance. Now the estates can battle it out with the two principles, Smith and Marshall’s son, having died. After his death, the bottle blonde with the comically large rack lived a tabloid-quality life, which E! thought would make good TV. They were wrong, but there’s two seasons worth of high-pitched, drug-addled, witlessness on DVD. She aimed to be her generation’s Marilyn Monroe but closer to being the next Mamie Van Doren, famous for being famous. And for her pair of pontoons. She fell so in love with being famous that she tried to get one of her lovers, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, to adopt her and make her a princess. Proceedings started, but the Prince’s wife, Zsa Zsa Gabor, apparently of the opinion that there were enough shiny useless things around the house, put a stop to it. Even in death, she just keeps creating headlines, as the identity of Smith’s baby daddy could be her former lawyer and sort-of-husband, if the exchanging of nipple rings on a catamaran in the Caribbean counts, Howard K. Stern; a former boyfriend, Larry Birkhead; the aforementioned Prince, and somehow least disturbingly, Howard Marshall, via his frozen sperm. Meanwhile, half the NBA is avoiding eye contact and talking about the weather when the subject comes up. Considering the events of the last few months: Smith gives birth in September, her adult son dies of an apparent overdose a day later, there are multiple claims of paternity, but a dogged resistance to having said paternity confirmed, then shortly before a court determination of whether to order a paternity test, Anna Nicole dies under questionable circumstances. In doing the math, the GHI is not sure that if a paternity test is obtained 1 and 1 are going to add up to 46 distinct chromosomes.

At least Smith’s death added up for Jenni, who scores a solo hit with a truly inspired pick – the first wild card selection ever to come in as part of the GHIDP and she moves into a third place tie.

Laine Hits Dead End

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End of the Road for Laine

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End of the Laine
Frankie Laine, one of the most popular singers of the 1950s and the best Frankie Laine-type voice of the 1970s, has died of heart failure at the age of 93. In the days before rock and roll, Laine was a fixture on the Top 10 charts, selling more than 100 million records and earning more than 20 gold records with highlights including “That’s My Desire,” “Mule Train,” “Jezebel,” “I Believe” and “That Lucky Old Sun.” Laine also carved a niche for himself signing title songs on westerns: "Gunfight At the OK Corral," "3:10 To Yuma," "Bullwhip" and, before Elwood and Joliet Jake, his was the definitive version of the theme song to Rawhide. Based on that success, Mel Brooks advertised that he was looking for a Frankie Laine-type voice for the title song of Blazing Saddles. Two days later, Laine was in Brooks’ office belting it out. Brooks didn’t have the heart to tell him it was a parody and was embarrassed by how much heart Laine put into the song. Laine’s treatment added an authentic Western flavor and helped score a Best Song Oscar nomination. Also along the way, this son of Al Capone’s barber saved Perry Como’s son from drowning and lost a dance marathon because his partner, Anita O’Day, was only 14.

Last year’s champ Paul knew Laine had no reason to go there, but expected him to take that train anyway and scores his first hit of the year, a solo shot to jump his Bunch of Stiffs into a 9th place tie.

Overall, the 13th hit of the year keeps up the frenetic flurry that is 6 weeks ahead of last year and has us on pace for 70 hits.

Ill-waukee Brave
Lew Burdette, who went 3-3 for the 1965 Philadelphia Phillies, has died of lung cancer at the age of 80. He’s better known for his MVP performance against the New York Yankees in 1957 as the Milwaukee Braves won their only world championship with Burdette winning 3 games, allowing 2 runs in 3 complete games. In the rematch the following year, Burdette had the chance to win the clincher in Game 5 and Game 7 but lost both. In 1959, Harvey Haddix threw 12 perfect innings in a game against the Braves, but Burdette matched him shutout inning for shutout inning, winning in the 13th when Haddix finally proved mortal. For his career, Burdette went 203-144, including a 1960 no-hitter against the Phillies .

The Other Side of Midnight

Sidney Sheldon, who found success on Broadway, on the best-seller list and screens big and small, has died at the age of 89. He won an Academy Award for Best Orginal Screenplay for the Bachelor and the Bobbysoxer, and wrote Annie Get Your Gun. He won two Tonys for the musical Redhead. He created and wrote nearly episode for 7 seasons of The Patty Duke Show, created and won an Emmy for I Dream of Jeannie and created Hart to Hart. Then he decided to become a best selling but critically panned author with The Naked Face, which sold 3.1 million copies in paperback, showing men will buy anything with “Naked” in the title.

Dead Menotti Don’t Write Scales

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Gian Carlo Finito
(Props to Kirsti)
Gian Carlo Menotti, the most popular opera composer of the 20th century, has screwed the Puccini at the age of 95. Menotti was largely credited with opera’s surging popularity of the 1950s and 1960s when all three networks showed opera with no commercial interruptions two or three nights a week, giving a libretto-loving nation all the arias it could Handel. Richard Wagner was even named Time’s man of the year in 1956 despite having been dead for 73 years. At the time of his death, Walt Disney was reportedly filming new cartoons starring Mickey’s cousin, Fleder Mouse. Menotti wrote his first opera before he was 11 and won two Pulitzer Prizes. He was best known for a 1951 televised opera that is the most performed opera in the world, so if you’re wondering which of his works you are most familiar with, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen Amahl and the Night Visitors.

Following on the heels of our second 6-hit month ever (July 2005 was the other), we start off the littlest month right where we left off: with two Pooligans expecting the fat lady to sing to Menotti, with Nancy Van Brundt forging a three-way tie at 4th, while Craig Barker’s The Killers Greatest Hits joins two friends at 12th.

The revised leaderboard:
1st Mark - Beltway Boneyard IV: Foreign Exchange 3 hits, 14.395604398 points
2nd Monty - The U.N. Dead 2 hits, 30 points
3rd Greg - Team Quincy 2 hits, 21.53846154 points
4th Shawn - Team One – Oldest 2 hits, 11.53846154 points
(tie) Dawn - Go for the light, it's right there damn it 2 hits, 11.53846154 points
(tie) Nancy 2 hits, 11.53846154 points