De-Cease-PN

Lots of death on the sports pages this weekend...

Closed Casket, but No Cigar

Or
Better Dead than Red!
A shared epitaphany between Michelle and I

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Tuesdays, Eleven o’clock at China Doll are never going to be the same
Props to Craig, who encourages us to read the Red Auerbach bio “Let Me Tell You a Story,” available in bookstores and wherever won ton soup is sold

Or
The Final Cigar is Lit
Accolades to Shawn
Arnold Red Auerbach, one of the worst players in the history of Georgetown University basketball, has died of a heart attack at the age of 89. With a career in professional basketball that predates the NBA, Auerbach established himself as the greatest coach and one of the greatest general managers in history and the Boston Celtics as the greatest franchise, winning 9 titles in 16 years on the bench and 7 more from the front office, with clouds of cigar smoke celebrating each win in Boston Garden. Auerbach had only 1 losing season in 20 seasons as coach, and was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame twice, as a coach and a contributor. In addition to his knowledge of the game and uncanny ability to identify and secure talent for the Celtics, Auerbach employed an unrivaled gamesmanship to give his teams an extra edge. Boston Garden was no stately pleasure dome, but the towels were a little scarcer, the rats a little larger and the heat a little more unbearable in the visitor’s locker room. One possibly apocryphal but amusing legend has it that before one playoff series, the Los Angeles Lakers refused to appear if the Celtics didn’t do something about the air conditioning. Auerbach promised a brand new air conditioner. When the Lakers arrived, the air conditioner was there as promised, still in its box. Auerbach’s legacy includes 14 Hall of Famers he drafted or traded for, including Bill Russell, John Havlicek and Larry Bird. Auerbach also had an influential role in expediting integration in the NBA, drafting the first black player, Chuck Cooper, hiring the first black coach, Bill Russell and fielding the first all-black starting 5 in NBA history in a city not known for its enlightenment.

Seven of us expected the old parquet to pick up one more dead spot. Paul’s Pushing Daisies takes over first for the third time this year. Matt takes 7th, my Killing Time team is in 8th with the second hit in a week, Tom’s Knock, Knock, Knocking is in 11th, Dawn’s Ashes to Ashes is in 17th, Mike’s Team Two is in 22nd and Shawn’s Team Two – Older is in 29th.

Stiff as an Emery Board
Kudos to Joe

Or
Knuckled Under
Joe Niekro, famed mound carpenter, has died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 61. In a 22-year career, he won 221 games, highlighted by 2 20-win seasons, and remains the winningest pitcher in Houston Astros history. He was the Sonny to Phil’s Michael, as the Niekros set a record for wins by brothers with 539. As a member of the Minnesota Twins, Niekro was once accused of doctoring the ball during a game. As umpires inspected his glove, Niekro pulled his hand out of his back pocket, pulling with it an emery board, earning a suspension. He made light of the situation in an appearance on Late Night with David Letterman where he came out wearing a handyman’s tool belt complete with power sanders and KY Jelly tubes.

At risk of copyright litigation, the Top Ten list from the August 6, 1987 episode of Late Night with David Letterman
Joe Niekro’s Top 10 Excuses
10. The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick.
9. I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball.
8. I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the bullpen telephone.
7. Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails.
6. I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth.
5. I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine's autobiography.
4. Rules of fair play are for saps and squares.
3. I've been hypnotized by evil dogs.
2. It was all William Casey's idea.
1. I like to give pedicures to ballboys.

The Kingston Zero
Troubled former heavyweight champ Trevor Berbick was murdered by a machete-wielding assailant in a land dispute in his native Jamaica. I find it hard to believe a single square foot of this crime and pestilence infested open air drug mart is worth killing over, but this is what is being reported by CSI: Kingston. Berbick represented Jamaica in the 1976 Olympics and compiled a 50-11 record in the ring. He held the WBC belt for 8 months in 1986, defeating Pinklon Thomas in March, then turning it over to Mike Tyson in a second round knockout in November. He was the last man to fight Muhammad Ali, clubbing the diminished former champ into an overdue retirement. As with most boxers, life out of the ring was less successful, with convictions for rape, second-degree theft and misdemeanor assault.

Mother Knows Death

TV Mom Jane Wyatt has died of natural causes, the logical course of action for a woman of 96. A film star of the 1930s, Wyatt is probably best remembered as the eternally doting mother of disgustingly precious Betty, James and Kathy and patient wife of drunken Jim on Father Knows Best. The nicknames “Princess,” “Bud,” and “Kitten” came about as Robert Young covered for not remembering their names as he staggered about the set in a stupor. For tolerating the weekly treacly messages in a thoroughly out-of-place-for-Midwestern-“Springfield” patrician accent, Wyatt took home three Emmys. For the mom’s basement set, Wyatt will be better remembered as Spock’s mother Amanda Grayson on a 1966 episode of Star Trek and again on Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.

I was the only one who knew Jane had lived long and prospered enough and my Killing Time squad climbs into a tie at 13th. More notably, this is our 33rd hit of the year, a new record with 5 weeks to go.

Bender and Fender: Both Dead Ender

One Choke Over the Line
Johnny Callison, a strong-armed outfielder with a sweet swing who nearly took the Phillies to the World Series, has died at the age of 67. The 1964 season would combine Callison’s greatest triumphs and disappointments. He won the All-Star Game with a 3-run homer in the bottom of the 9th, earning MVP honors, and finished the season with 31 HRs and 104 RBI, which likely would have been MVP caliber numbers, but with a 6 1/2-game lead and 12 to play, the Phils lost 10 straight and finished 1 game behind St. Louis in the greatest collapse in major league history, as I’m reminded every September when a division leading team loses 2 in a row. In that stretch, Callison was so stricken by the flu before 1 game that teammates had to button his jacket for him as he shivered on the bench. Callison played anyway, hitting three homers in Milwaukee in a 14-8 loss that knocked the Phils out of first for good. Callison was a fan of the night life, and after one more All-Star season in 1965, the flashes of brilliance were more fleeting over the last 7 years of his career.

Freddy Got Fingered (by the Grim Reaper)

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After the Last Teardrop Falls

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Ex-TexMex
(Props to Monty)
Freddy Fender has had his work visa revoked, succumbing to cancer, diabetes and kidney problems, at the age of 69. Fender was a hit-maker on the pop, country and Latin charts, with such hits as 1975’s “Before the Next Teardrop Falls,” and “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,” both of which rose to No. 1 on the country chart and the Top 10 on the pop chart. He won a Grammy for Best Latin Pop Album in 2002 for “La Musica de Baldemar Huerta,” and shared two best Mexican-American Grammys: with the Texas Tornados, in 1990 and with Los Super Seven in 1998. In 1999, Gov. Dubya helped him earn a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Bender and Fender: Both Dead Ender

One Choke Over the Line
Johnny Callison, a strong-armed outfielder with a sweet swing who nearly took the Phillies to the World Series, has died at the age of 67. The 1964 season would combine Callison’s greatest triumphs and disappointments. He won the All-Star Game with a 3-run homer in the bottom of the 9th, earning MVP honors, and finished the season with 31 HRs and 104 RBI, which likely would have been MVP caliber numbers, but with a 6 1/2-game lead and 12 to play, the Phils lost 10 straight and finished 1 game behind St. Louis in the greatest collapse in major league history, as I’m reminded every September when a division leading team loses 2 in a row. In that stretch, Callison was so stricken by the flu before 1 game that teammates had to button his jacket for him as he shivered on the bench. Callison played anyway, hitting three homers in Milwaukee in a 14-8 loss that knocked the Phils out of first for good. Callison was a fan of the night life, and after one more All-Star season in 1965, the flashes of brilliance were more fleeting over the last 7 years of his career.

Freddy Got Fingered (by the Grim Reaper)

Or
After the Last Teardrop Falls

Or
Ex-TexMex
(Props to Monty)
Freddy Fender has had his work visa revoked, succumbing to cancer, diabetes and kidney problems, at the age of 69. Fender was a hit-maker on the pop, country and Latin charts, with such hits as 1975’s “Before the Next Teardrop Falls,” and “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,” both of which rose to No. 1 on the country chart and the Top 10 on the pop chart. He won a Grammy for Best Latin Pop Album in 2002 for “La Musica de Baldemar Huerta,” and shared two best Mexican-American Grammys: with the Texas Tornados, in 1990 and with Los Super Seven in 1998. In 1999, Gov. Dubya helped him earn a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Someone had to pay for the Yankees early playoff exit

George Steinbrenner promised there would be changes tothe Yankees this offseason, but this probably wasn’t what he meant. The free agent pitching pool just got a little shallower as Yankees right-hander Cory Lidle showed he flies even worse than he pitches, crashing into a high-rise condominium building in New York. He was 34. That Lidle managed to miss the entire sky was somewhat ironic, as he was known as a control pitcher. In a 9-year career with 7 teams, Lidle personified mediocrity, with an 82-72 career record and a 4.57 ERA. This season he started with the Philadelphia Phillies before being traded to New York in July. In the Yankees final playoff game this year, he recorded 4 outs and gave up 3 runs. Lidle had bought the plane and started obtaining his pilot’s license during spring training in February 2006, making Phillies management very happy. You’re going to hear lots of hand wringing about how much Lidle will be missed, but the minute the Phillies traded him, he ripped half his teammates, the minute the Yankees got eliminated, he threw Joe Torre under the bus and he was one of the last remaining picket line crossers from the last baseball work stoppage, so most of them are lying. After this and Thurman Munson, the Yankees have banned the use of any plane that doesn’t use a rubber band.

Putting it All Together

Lord, meet Byron

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One in Hole
(Props to Greg and Craig for the shared two-foot putt, as it were)

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Joining the really senior tour
(Props to Craig)
The Byron Nelson Classic* just became the Byron Nelson Memorial as the golfing legend wrapped up his final round at the age of 94, about 22 over par, according to the actuarial tables. Growing up in Texas with golf as the only sporting activity available to a man named Byron, he started caddying at the age of 12, befriending fellow caddy Ben Hogan. Imagine the no-talent duffers whose bags they had to lug through the Texas heat. His perfect form and growing confidence from several tournament wins – starting with the 1935 New Jersey Open - allowed him to produce an epic 1945 season, with 18 tournament wins, including 11 in a row, both records unlikely to be matched. He won those 11 in a row by an average of 6.67 strokes and finished second 7 more times, finishing with a then-record stroke average of 68.34. In his career he won 52 tournaments, still No. 6 on the PGA Tour career list despite retiring from full-time play at the age of 34 because he wanted to spend more time at the ranch that had been his motivation for winning. Among his totals – two Masters green jackets, two PGA Championships and a United States Open title. With all the real athletes serving in World War II, Nelson was also named AP male athlete of the year in 1944 and 1945. In retirement, Nelson became of one of the game’s great ambassadors and gentlemen as a tutor, TV analyst and fixture at PGA
events.

* Yes, I know it is now the EDS Byron Nelson Championship, but I’m not seeing a dime of that
endorsement money, so screw them.

A shake-up on the leaderboard and a new top dog as 5 pooligans dig into this par fate. Greg’s Team Quincy is now in first for the first time since June 28, 2003. Other beneficiaries are Paul’s
Pushing Daisies (4th), Shawn’s Team One (6th), Matt (8th) and Mark’s Crafty
Nonagenarians (30th).

With a little over 2 months remaining, there are 6 entries one hit from being King of the Boot Hill and 9 more within two hits. Our next hit will tie the all-time record, and we are on pace for 37.5 total demises.

Prince Albert in a Box
His dad was a beloved TV icon and a Oscar-nominated actor. His Godfather was arguably the greatest Shakespearean actor of the 20th century. He… had a very talented father and godfather. Oh, and lung cancer. Edward Laurence Albert, son of Eddie Albert and godson of Laurence Olivier has died at the age of 55. Best known for his Golden Globe-winning role in
Butterflies are Free, more recently he was Mr. Collins on The Power Rangers. Other roles included Daddy, in “Daddy Can’t Read,” cannon fodder in “Midway,” pollen fodder in “Killer Bees” and Brian, guiding survivors to safety in Irwin Allen’s “When Time Ran Out,” also known as “The Day the World Ended,” also known as “Earth’s Final Fury,” also known as, “Haven’t I
Already Seen this Crap Like Nine Times?”

Would a Rose by Any Other Name Still Smell Bad When it Died?
Iva Toguri D'Aquino, convicted and pardoned as WWII’s ''Tokyo Rose,'' has died at the age of 90. Anti-American transmissions intended to demoralize soldiers in the Pacific Theater were delivered by a female broadcaster dubbed Toyko Rose. Her identity was not known until U.S. prosecutors pressured “witnesses” to lie about Toguri, a native American, born to immigrant parents who was visiting relatives in Japan when the war broke out and was trapped behind enemy lines, so to speak. She was convicted of treason in 1949, but pardoned by Gerald Ford in 1977 in part because of new evidence about the coerced testimony and in part because she was the first woman he met that year that did not try to shoot him.

He had an Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Gray and White Carcinoma
That metastasized and killed him today. OK, Sept. 6, but that doesn’t really go with the song, now does it? Paul Vance, songwriter of “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,” has died of lung cancer at the age of 68. A number 1 hit for Brian Hyland in 1960, the song capitalized on the bikini craze and has been featured in movies and commercials ever since. He
also wrote “Catch a Falling Star,” a No. 1 hit for Perry Como in 1958.