Faded Genes

Claude Lévi-Strauss, chronicler of primitive man and cultural forensic dietitian, has died at the age of 100. Being French gave him a unique insight into the great unwashed, and he transformed Western thinking about the indigenous peoples they had been exploiting for millennia. He identified “structures” that underlie all human behavior, regardless of culture. His reinterpretation of the native mythology of the Americas was captured in his 4-volume work, where he pondered the differences in meaning between roasted and boiled food, reasoning that cannibals tended to boil their friends and roast their enemies. The wishy-washy genius at the same time championed the native tribes as not being intellectually unimaginative and temperamentally irrational, as had been the prevailing thought, while worrying about the homogenization of the world, as in their development these primitive cultures grew closer to modern Western ways. For all his intellect, he apparently was unfamiliar with the theory that nothing can be measured without being affected, so if he’d kept his big trap shut, Mabobo and his friends could have kept their sophisticated and distinct culture, blissfully unaware of the siren call of the Big Mac. Levi-Strauss had an abundance of critics, and he conceded he did little field work, preferring to think about primitive tribes than interact with them. His staggering genius was best captured in the slightly fictionalized cinematic biopic Krippendorf’s Tribe.

Coyote Ugly

Taylor Mitchell, 19-year old Canadian folk singer, has been eaten by a coyote on a Nova Scotia hiking trail, suggesting that Wile E. Coyote may have been overthinking things. As she was not a former president, there is no word on whether she was delicious.

The Sacking of Troy

Troy Smith, the man who built a cult drive-in empire on a menu of foods and drinks seemingly based on a dare, has died at the age of 87. If you’re in the mood to have a roller-skating carhop deliver a Fritos chili pie at midnight and wash it down with a chocolate Dr. Pepper, Smith is the man to thank for making it happen. Originally planning on building an upscale steakhouse in his hometown of Shawnee, Oklahoma in 1953, he noticed that a root beer stand already on the property was raking in a good business, and that he lived in Shawnee, Oklahoma, and focused on developing a drive-in diner. Fifty years later, the chain has 3,500 restaurants in 41 states.

Pine Box Office

John Kenley, who said there are no small towns, only actors with small talent, has died at the age of 103. Deciding that hicks and rubes were every bit as deserving of an overpriced, overrated cultural experience starring washed up actors as big-city folk, he set himself up as the George M. Cohan of the Ohio Valley, bringing large-scale productions headlined by Mae West, Gloria Swanson, Burt Reynolds, Florence Henderson, Ethel Merman, Pam Dawber and William Shatner to places unaccustomed to professional theater, like eastern Pennsylvania’s coal country and Cleveland. He also virtually invented stunt casting of unlikely stars for their box office potential, like Hugh Downs in Under the Yum Yum Tree, Merv Griffin in Come Blow Your Horn, Jayne Mansfield in Bus Stop, filling the role Marilyn Monroe played on screen, and Joe Namath in Picnic. Kenley was the ultimate enabler, rewriting scripts on the fly, adding or subtracting musical numbers – whatever it took to keep the talent happy. That is, until the cast party on opening night, when he would put on a dress and take the first dance with the show’s leading man, a quirk that surprised first-timers who didn’t know that Kenley spent his theatrical off-seasons in Florida as “Joan.”

No Soupy for You

Or
From Soupy to Nuts

Or
Over the hill
After the puns
Look out Reaper
Here he comes

Or
That Soup Has Sailed
(Props to Phil)

Or
Hang on Soupy....Soupy? Soupy!???
(Kudos to Phil)
Soupy Sales, a comedy legend when comedy consisted of taking a coconut custard pie in the face, has died at the age of 83. Sales had a more cerebral take on the kiddie show, with bits such as “lunch,” when he would bite into a hot dog, which was accompanied with the sound of squealing pigs, or drink milk, which was accompanied by the sound of mooing. His menagerie included White Fang, the meanest dog in Detroit, Black Tooth, an overly affectionate dog, Pookie the Lion, Hippy the Hippo and Willy the Worm. Sales was popular for his unpredictability, often leaving the set of his own live show, with camera following, to harass other show’s hosts, including Edythe Fern Melrose, a woman of unyielding dignity who was known as “The Lady of Charm,” who got blasted by a pie she had no idea was coming. He later moved to LA, where the show was so popular such celebrities as Tony Curtis, Mickey Rooney, Sammy Davis Jr., Dick Martin, Burt Lancaster and Frank Sinatra would drop in just to get hit in the face with a pie, much the same way they later lined up to have it socked to them on Laugh-In. Later he moved to New York City, where he got suspended for encouraging kids to go into mom’s purse and dad’s wallet and send him the green paper with the pictures of the guys with beards. He was quickly reinstated after massive protests in front of the studio. In the 1980s, he managed to unite legendary enemies Howard Stern and Don Imus in one thing – their hatred of him – when the three hosted back-to-back-to-back shows on the NY radio station WNBC, with Imus and Stern mocking him from both ends. He also was the victim of one of the great practical jokes of all time. A recurring gag on his show called for him to open a door to random visitors, much as Dean Martin later would. On one show, the crew brought in a naked woman, just out of the view of the audience. Sales checked the on-air monitor, which had been re-routed by the engineers, and thought that day’s episode was being brought to Detroit’s kiddies by the letters T & A.

Only one Pooligan ordered the Soupy of the Day, fittingly a Michigander, and Mike’s Trash List sits in 5th place with a ton of points. James passed up the top 10 by taking Soupy off the menu after the 2006 GHI.

No Doctor

Or
The Doctor is Out

Or
Physician, Heal Thyself

Or
No, Mr. Bond, I Expect to Die
Joseph Wiseman, best known as the portrayer of a summa cum laude graduate from Evil Medical School, has died at the age of 91. As Dr. Julius No, Wiseman set the template for the refined, megalomaniacal overly talky ubervillian hidden in a semi-secure lair in an exotic locale who can’t quite put away James Bond. He had been the last living Bond nemesis from the Sean Connery canon films. Other roles included the titular Mr. Minsky in The Night They Raided Minsky’s, mobsters on MacGyver and The A-Team, and a starring role in The Twilight Zone episode One More Pallbearer, as a wealthy man trying to get revenge on those who had wronged him by offering space in a bomb shelter during a fictional nuclear attack in exchange for apologies. They refuse, leaving him alone in the shelter and in his psychic break from reality (or stresser, as they would say on Criminal Minds), he imagines an actual attack has occurred.

Oh Captain, Bye Captain

“Captain” Lou Albano, star of the comedy classic Wiseguys, has died at the age of 76. The WWF (as in World Wrestling Federation - yeah, suck it panda lovers) Hall of Famer was known for managing such evil-doers as The Iron Shiek, Nikolai Volkoff, Andre the Giant and the British Bulldogs, to 15 tag team and 4 individual championship titles in a “sport” far more organized, and only slightly more orchestrated, than the alphabet soup of professional boxing, all the while taunting audiences and opponents alike. All, only slightly homoerotic. With a long unruly beard, loud outfits and rubber bands dangling from his face, Albano was like a living cartoon, making him the perfect actor to take on the role of a lifetime – Mario in the Super Mario Brothers Super Show! He was adopted by another cartoon-like figure from the 1980s, appearing in videos for Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want to Have Fun, She Bop, Time After Time and The Goonies theme song.

You Can Die Like a Man

Al Martino, favorite performer of the Corleone family, has died at the age of 82. The singer produced a number of hits from the 1950s through the 1970s, but is remembered today largely for his portrayal of Johnny Fontane, the simpering singer/aspiring actor, whose blubbering about not getting a role in a war movie at Connie’s wedding earns a stern rebuke from the Godfather, who commanded, “you can act like a man.” The scene was reminiscent of his singing career, when he recorded “Here in My Heart,” then begged his childhood friend Mario Lanza not to record the same song, fearing it would overshadow his debut album.

Powell Outage

Brian Powell, former Jamestown Jammer, Fayetteville General, Lakeland Tiger, Jacksonville Sun, Toledo Mud Hen, Detroit Tiger, New Orleans Zephyr, Houston Astro, Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Baron, Fresno Grizzly, San Francisco Giant, and Philadelphia Phillie that I saw pitch 1 inning in 2004, giving up 6 runs, shot himself in the head at the age of 35.