Really Easy Ride

Or
Apocalypse Now

Or
Now It’s Dark
Dennis Hopper, best remembered as Lieutenant Lefty Enright in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, has died of prostate cancer at the age of 74. Hopper was a boy wonder, starring alongside Jimmy Dean in Rebel Without a Cause and Giant, taking his coming of age turn as a Fuhrer-wannabe in The Twilight Zone episode “He’s Alive,” and playing sniveling pansies in Westerns like Gunfight at the OK Corral, The Sons of Katie Elder, Hang ‘Em High and True Grit. Then he found cocaine, marijuana, rum, beer, peyote, mushrooms, LSD and certain substances that no one else who had sampled had survived long enough to name, and the next 15 years are a blur, dotted by roles in Easy Rider (for which he scored an Best Original Screenplay Oscar nomination), and Apocalypse Now and an 8-day marriage to Michelle Phillips from the Mamas and the Papas. He emerged on the far side to become one of the best and most prolific character actors in Hollywood, scoring an Oscar nod as drunk hoops nut Shooter in Hoosiers, and creating one of the creepiest characters in film history as the expletive-dropping, nitrous huffing sadomasochist Frank Booth in Blue Velvet. He openly parodied his celebrated youth, hosting Saturday Night Live and having difficulty remembering large sections of his past in an It’s Your Life-esque skit. More recently, he proudly said he hadn’t said no to a project in years, which would explain King Koopa in Super Mario Bros., the Exxon Valdez-piloting Deacon in Waterworld, and Kaufman, ruler of the last zombie-free city on earth in Land of the Dead.

Now the World Don't Move

(Kudos to Monty)

Or
Life is Short
(More merit for Monty)

Or
It Sucks to Be Him

Or
Whatchoo talkin' bout, Charon?!
(Terry interprets the classics)
Mall security guards everywhere mourn their idol* and Emmanuel Lewis enjoys a ’72 Dolphins-like celebratory drink** as Gary Coleman has died as a result of a Diff’rent Stroke*** at the age of 42. The diminutive former child starTM shot to fame as the chipmunk-cheeked, sharp-tongued ex-orphan Arnold Jackson, who was perpetually incredulous at what those around him were saying, making “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” a national catchphrase. This led to a run of awful TV-movies, including On the Right Track, The Kid with the Broken Halo (and its cartoon spin-off, the Gary Coleman Show), The Kid with the 200 IQ, and The Kid From Left Field, the TV-movie that got Jerry Coleman the job as manager of the real-life San Diego Padres. Later life was less kind, as Coleman sued the parents who had stolen the millions of dollars he had earned from his career, he complained about being pigeon-holed, while acknowledging the limited acting roles available to 4-foot-8 black adults. He spent some time as a mall security guard, getting into a scuffle with an autograph seeker, and was perfectly positioned in the 2003 Calfornia gubernatorial election, meaning he was at eye level with stripper/porn star/fellow candidate Mary Carey’s twin planks. His 14,242 votes were icing on the cake. His post-Strokes career was parodied in a character named Gary Coleman in Avenue Q, the apartment superintendent who sings “It Sucks to Be Me.”

* Lifted from Terry
** An idea shamelessly stolen from Greg and then embellished
*** Yeah, I know, not technically accurate, but Coleman didn’t star in a show called Diff’rent Hemorrhages

Dead People Are Funny

Or
Dead Linkletter Office

Or
Corpses Say the Deadest Things

Or
The Missing Linkletter

Or
Old People Do the Deadest Things

Or
House Departed
(Props to Don, currently in the hereafter)

Or
Epitaphs Say the Darndest Things
(All hail Monty)
Art Linkletter, who spent more time with children than anyone would currently feed comfortable with, has died at the age of 97. In programs like People are Funny and House Party, Linkletter built a career by ignoring the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 and by taking advantage of the fact that 95% of Americans are narcissist morons in search of an outlet to broadcast their inanity before comments sections became available on newspaper websites. Throughout his career Linkletter used his blandness to put people at ease, getting them to open up and say stupid things. This general unimpressiveness was especially effective in manipulating children to reveal embarrassing things mommy and daddy said but probably did not intend to get reprinted in any of the 15 Kids Say the Darndest Things that were once best sellers and are now available at any used book store or yard sale in America. After one boy revealed that his father was a policeman who arrested lots of burglars, Linkletter asked if his mother ever worried about the risks. “Naw, she thinks it’s great,” he answered. “He brings home rings and bracelets and jewelry almost every week.” Linkletter was also renowned for his 74-year marriage to wife Lois, but it was well known they were staying together for the kids, and had planned to divorce once they were all dead. They beat 3 out of 5. Among his other gigs, a deranged pedarest-esque evangelical layman setting up an orphan home in a ghost town in hostile Indian territory in an episode of Wagon Train; hosting the grand opening of Disneyland, for which he received the park’s camera and film concessions for 10 years.

Lima Has Been

Former Los Angeles Dodger, London Tiger, Houston Astro, New York Met, Edmonton Capital, Newark Bear, Toledo Mud Hen, Detroit Tiger, Aguilas Cibaena, Kansas City Royal, Kia Tiger, Long Beach Armadan, Bristol Tiger, Fayetteville General, Lakeland Tiger, Norfolk Tide, Saltillo Sarapero and Camden Rivershark Jose Lima has died of a heart attack at the age of 37. Lima’s only major league season of note was 1999, when he won 21 games for the Astros. Other highlights included a 2002 game where he won a game for the Tigers in 1 hour and 41 minutes, a 1994 no-hitter for the Mud Hens, and a 5-hit shutout for the Dodgers in the 2004 NLDS, the team’s first postseason win since the 1988 World Series. On the downside, giving up 48 HRs in 2000 – 2 shy of Bert Blyleven’s record, and recording a 6.99 ERA in 2005, the highest ever for a pitcher with 30 starts. Despite his sporadic success, Lima was a fan favorite for his antics on and off the mound, including singing the national anthem at a Dodger game, with his starts referred to as Lima Time, and he was loudly cheered when shown on Dodger Vision at a game he attended 2 days before his death.

Jesus for Jew

Moishe Rosen, one of the great hedge betters, has died of prostate cancer at the age of 78. Born Jewish, Rosen was ordained as a Baptist minister, then went on to found Jews for Jesus, the world’s largest messianic Jewish organization, boasting no official members, but a “constituency” of 200,000. Born in Haiti, he first came to America seeking freedom of religion to practice voodoo. After being rebuffed by Jobu, he sold copies of the Koran door-to-door while chanting Buddhist incantations. J for J has been roundly criticized as a closet Christian missionary organization, a cult, and for being really annoying on college campuses.

Morgue of Her Own

(Props to Monty)
Dorothy Kamenshek, who inspired the lead character in A League of Their Own, has died. Kamenshek played first base for the Rockford Peaches of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League from 1943 to 1951 and 1953, winning 2 batting titles and making seven All-Star teams. She didn’t let the uniform’s skirts stop her on the basepaths, stealing 109 bases in 1946.

Cashing Out

(Can I get a whoop whoop for Monty)

Or
Would You Like Your Death Certificate Printed Out or Would You Like to Read it on the Screen?
(How about just a tip o’ the cap for Monty)
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the automated teller machine, has died at the age of 84. Frustrated after he was unable to make a withdrawal because his local bank was closed, Shepherd-Barron beat a number of competitors to have the first machine installed at Barclays bank in London in June 1967. Typical of his Scotch ancestry, the original maximum withdrawal was $14. A more recent invention, a machine that imitated the sound of killer whales to scare off seals that were raiding his salmon farm, was less successful.

Chip Away

Richard LaMotta, inventor of the Chipwich, has died of a heart attack at the age of 67. On May 1, 1982, a date that will live in lactose intolerance, LaMotta dispatched 60 street carts laden with ice cream and chocolate chip cookie sandwiches in Manhattan, and within a few hours all 25,000 had sold out, despite the then astronomical sum of $1. By the end of that summer, he was selling 200,000 a day and had a photo of Mayor Ed Koch eating one. By the time he sold out in 2002, he’d sold more than a billion.

Zieg a Zieg, uh

Doris Eaton Travis, the last of Flo Zeigfeld’s chorus girls, has died of an aneurysm at the age of 106. From 1907 to 1931, Zeigfeld handpicked 3,000 “Ziegfield Girls” out of the hundreds of thousands who dreamed of a better life in the Jazz Age. The Ziegfeld Follies were lavish spectacles with hundreds of girls measuring precisely 36-26-38 underneath towering, glittering feathered headdresses, performing with Will Rogers and Fanny Brice and entertaining the biggest celebrities of the day, from President Woodrow Wilson to Babe Ruth. Travis, coming from a celebrated stage family that entertained George Gershwin and Charles Lindbergh, was among the youngest, lying about her age and name to get in at 14. After 3 years, Travis performed on stage and in silent films and later ran 18 Arthur Murray dance studios in Michigan, and continued as a link to the past for most of the century, when she wasn’t getting her high school diploma in her 70s, graduating cum laude from the University of Oklahoma at 92, starting her memoirs, getting an honorary degree from the University of Oakland at 100. At an AIDS benefit 2 weeks before her death, she danced on stage, performing several kicks, and apologizing that she no longer does cartwheels.

Lena Horne and I Ain't Together

(Props to Monty)

Or
It's Raining All the Time
(Kudos to Monty)
Lena Horne, who gave Heathcliff Huxtable a birthday lap dance in front of his family, has died at the age of 92. The nightclub and stage singer broke new ground for black performers when she signed a long-term contract with MGM in the 1940s, scoring the plum role of token black singer in a number of “all-star” musicals including Thousands Cheer, Broadway Rhythm, Two Girls and a Sailor, Ziegfeld Follies, Words and Music. Ironically, in early screen tests, her light skin made her appear white, so she needed blackface to play black on screen. On screen, she appeared only in singing numbers unrelated to the plot that could be easily cut when the films were played in the enlightened South. Although she did get to talk to a white lady on Show Boat. And a mere 60 years later, Halle Barry became the first black actress to win a Best Actress Oscar. In the 1940s, she was the top black entertainer in the country, making $1,000 a week from MGM, $1,500 per radio appearance and $6,500 a week at the nightclubs, while serving as an allowable pin-up girl for black GIs. Horne criticized the way the black soldiers were treated, refusing to perform for non-integrated audiences, or those where German POWs were seated in front of black servicemen, which clearly meant she was a Communist, and she found herself blacklisted (pun intended, as always) and in the 1960s she became increasingly active in the civil rights movement. She made a few films, most notably Glinda the Good Witch in The Wiz, won a Tony in 1981 for her one-woman show, “Lena Horne: The Lady and Her Music,” the longest running solo performance in Broadway history, and continued recording through the 1990s. Janet Jackson briefly had the role of Lena Horne in a TV biopic, but her wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl got her kicked off the project.

Rottin' Robin

(An epitaphany shared by Jon and Mark)
Robin Roberts, who cursed generations of fans to suffer the idiotic ramblings of Joe Morgan, has died at the age of 84. Debuting in 1948 after dominating the Interstate League, Roberts led the 1950 Phillies – the Whiz Kids – to the NL pennant their only playoff appearance between 1915 and 1976. Starting 3 games in the last 5 days of the season, Roberts beat the Dodgers to secure the pennant on the last day of the season for his 20th win, the first 20-win season by a Phillie in 33 years. Roberts was a notorious workhorse who threw strikes, leading the league in complete games 5 times, completing 28 consecutive games, and completing 305 of his 609 career starts, never walking more than 77 batters in a season. He led the NL in wins from 1952 to 1955, topped by 28 wins in 1952. Among his more memorable games was a May 13, 1954 game against the Cincinnati Redlegs in which he allowed a lead-off home run, then recorded 27 consecutive outs. Roberts still holds the record for most homers allowed with 505. After leaving the Phillies, Roberts bounced to the Baltimore Orioles, Chicago Cubs and Houston Astros, where he committed the unpardonable sin of helping Morgan work out kinks in throwing from second base to first, keeping in the majors and starting the Hall of Fame career that he never stops talking about.

Got the Tigers By the Toe Tag

Or

He’s Long Gone

(An epitaphany shared by Mike B and Shawn)

Or

Morgan and McCarver Still Live, More Proof That There is No God

(Kudos to Mark questioning his faith)

Ernie Harwell, one of the last iconic voices of summer, regaling Michiganese baseball fans for more than 40 years, has died of cancer of the bile duct. By all accounts one of the great broadcasters of the greatest game, and a 1981 Baseball Hall of Fame inductee, Harwell respected the pace of the sport, allowing the sounds of the stadium to fill gaps between pitches. Consider him the anti-McCarver. He was also a consummate Southern gentleman, ceding the opportunity to excoriate Fox’s idiot studio host Jeanne Zelasko, who cut him off during the pre-game to the 2005 All-Star Game. Harwell had bounced around with a few teams in the majors – getting his break with the Brooklyn Dodgers when Branch Rickey traded a minor league catcher to the Atlanta Crackers, where Harwell had been broadcasting, to secure his services as a stand-in for Red Barber, hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer. The ingrate Harwell left after a season for the New York Giants. The Dodgers replaced him with a Fordham grad named Vin Scully, who still says he didn’t replace or succeed Harwell, he’s just sitting in his chair. He called the 1951 playoff between the Dodgers and Giants, but for television, so only Russ Hodges “The Giants win the Pennant,” is remembered, then moved to Baltimore in 1954 as one of the Orioles inaugural broadcasters before joining the Tigers in 1960. He spent the next 30 years teaching local geography and confusing children who didn’t know how Harwell knew that a foul ball “was snared by the man from Traverse City.” After the 1991 season, team president Bo Schembechler, having no bowl game to blow, found a new way to break Michigan’s heart and fired Harwell, probably the most unpopular decision in team history, with 97% of respondents in one poll disagreeing with the move. One wonders who the other 3% were. When Mike Ilitch bought the team in 1992, one of his first moves was to bring Harwell back for another 10 years. Diagnosed with cancer last year and given a few months to live, Harwell made an emotional farewell appearance at Comerica Park last season to give Tigers fans a reason to go to the park, and, having lost his battle to save Tiger Stadium, turned many of his Detroit Free Press newspaper columns into thank yous to the fans and an acknowledgement of the joys of his life. Kind of a Tuesdays with Morrie that didn’t make you want to puke.

Lynn Red-dy for Grave

(Cap tip to Mark)

Or
She Put the Grave in Redgrave
(More merit for Monty)
Lynn Redgrave, best known for her appearance in Disco Beaver from Outer Space, has died of cancer at 67. A member of the famed British acting family and tabloid fodder, the UK equivalent of the Barrymores, Lynn’s big break came in her Oscar-nominated role in Georgy Girl, a pudgy insecure woman - the beta version of Bridget Jones. She lacked her older sister’s inability to keep her big trap shut, and the two had a public spat when Vanessa referred to Americans as imperialist pigs. While Vanessa supported the PLO, Redgrave took the other side, going so far as to try to make Jackie Mason likable in Chicken Soup. Lynn considered herself a working actress, making some interesting career choices, such as The Happy Hooker, and tended more toward character roles, but she excelled, earning 3 Tony nominations, 2 Oscar nominations and 2 Emmy nominations. Other roles included the wife of mentally ill pianist David Helfgott in Shine, and her second Oscar nomination as James Whale’s housekeeper in Gods and Monsters. In her later years, she made a career out of airing the family linens on stage, describing her father as distant and her siblings as bastards, who would write plays as children, taking choice roles for themselves and having Lynn play a dog.