Night, Mother

Mother Angelica, who brought the world the ecclesiastical ramblings of a frumpy old biddy sitting in what looked like a hospital chapel, has died of complications of a stroke at the age of 92. The Franciscan nun started making appearances on a Chicago station in 1977, then quit the station when it refused to censor a movie she found objectionable. Turning the other cheek, she took $200, built a studio in her monastery’s garage and founded the Eternal Word Television Network, the largest Roman Catholic television network in the country, where she bitched constantly about liberalizing trends in the Catholic Church like a holier-than-thou Andy Rooney. Time dubbed her the most influential Roman Catholic woman in America, which by church standards still put her behind an altar boy from Topeka, Kansas. By the time she found out that she had backed the wrong horse in 2001 when God had had enough and silenced her through a series of strokes that also made her look like a pirate, her low-rent half hour of nonsense “Mother Angelica Live” was the anchor of a 24-hour Catholic programming network reaching more than 100 million homes in the United States, South America, Africa and Europe.

How Dead He Art

George Beverly Shea, God’s musical director, has died at the age of 104. The wannabe Mountie turned Grammy-winning gospel singer appeared before more than 200 million of the deluded at Billy Graham revival meetings around the world. Early in his career, Graham realized he was tone deaf in more ways than one, and elected not to lead his followers in song, creating the opening for Shea. The long-time Friend of Billy also appeared regularly on Graham’s weekly radio broadcast “The Hour of Decision,” and like Billy, couldn’t get enough of the presidents, singing for Dwight D. Eisenhower, Lyndon B. Johnson and George Bush The First. With more than 70 albums, including the 1966 Best Gospel Grammy winning “Southland Favorites,” Shea was one of the most prolific gospel singers in history, winning a Lifetime Achievement Award Grammy in 2011. He was probably best known for “How Great Thou Art,” which he once sang for 108 consecutive nights at a New York City revival, right alongside Graham, who was fittingly also singing his same old song every night.

Waning Moon

Or

Looner Eclipse

(Props to Don)

Or

Caught Dead Between the Moon and New York City

(Kudos to Phil)

Or

Moon River Styx

(Additional accolades for Phil)
Mass marrying Rev. Sun Myung Moon, who showed that North Korea’s sole export is narcissists with a messiah complex and that whack job religions are not the sole provenance of Tom Cruise, has died of pneumonia at the age of 92. Moon founded his Unification Church in South Korea in 1954, but really hit its stride with thousands of fresh faced simpletons annoying airport passersby with offers of flowers in the late 1970s, taking advantage of increased American interest in bogus religions. He also moved his primary holdings to the United States in search of a tax haven. When Joel Osteen was still stealing lunch money while other kids bowed their heads to say grace, Rev. Moon was inserting his financial talons into non-profits, then planting his stooges in key leadership positions, enabling him to launder his dubious revenue streams. His business/religious interests included construction, hospitals, schools, ski resorts, newspapers, auto parts, pharmaceuticals, beverages, a professional soccer team, commercial fishing, jewelry, fur products, construction and real estate. He took over the University of Bridgeport, where students were lured into cult training with the promise of scholarships. An ardent right-winger, he turned The Washington Times into a leading information source for conservatives who like a good story more than they like news. He financed Inchon, one of the worst films of all time, with Sir Laurence Olivier phoning it in like Michael Caine. To keep up his illusion of religion, Moon would officiate mass weddings of thousands of cultists seeking a slightly more unique experience than New York City Hall, thus fulfilling Jesus’ failed mission by restoring humankind to a state of perfection by producing sinless children, and by blessing couples who would produce them. Most of those couples had barely met, could speak only through interpreters and were bound to complete several years of church duty before consummating their sham marriages. Still, suck it Jesus – you never had yourself crowned “humanity’s savior” in front of astonished members of Congress at a Capitol Hill luncheon in 2004.

You Don’t Know Pope from Shenouda

Or

Copt Out

His Holiness Pope Shenouda III, the 117th Pope of Alexandria, the Patriarch of All Africa on the Holy Apostolic See of Saint Mark the Evangelist of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria and head of the Holy Synod of the Coptic Orthodox Patriarchate of Alexandria, has died at the age of 88. Formerly Nazeer Gayed and Father Antonios the Syrian, Pope Shenouda led one of the world’s oldest religions, one of the original four Apostolic Sees of Christianity, for more than 40 years. He expanded the reach of the church, appointing the first bishops of North American dioceses, which today total more than 200 parishes in the United States, Canada and Mexico, as well as the first bishops of Australia and South America. While as adamant as any about the superiority of Christianity, he was notable for favoring dialogue with all sects of Christendom, while also reaching out to Muslims. He did think that the Jews could suck it, earning exile from Egyptian President Anwar Sadat for protesting his efforts to normalize relations with Israel in order to avoid getting smacked around again and losing the Pyramids. But then he started his Pope-ing as a controversial selection because Canon 15 of the Council of Nicea prohibits translation of bishops from one See to another, and any time you run afoul of 1400-year old church doctrines, you know you’ve stepped in it.

Jesus for Jew

Moishe Rosen, one of the great hedge betters, has died of prostate cancer at the age of 78. Born Jewish, Rosen was ordained as a Baptist minister, then went on to found Jews for Jesus, the world’s largest messianic Jewish organization, boasting no official members, but a “constituency” of 200,000. Born in Haiti, he first came to America seeking freedom of religion to practice voodoo. After being rebuffed by Jobu, he sold copies of the Koran door-to-door while chanting Buddhist incantations. J for J has been roundly criticized as a closet Christian missionary organization, a cult, and for being really annoying on college campuses.

Sinner no more

(Props to Monty)

Hallelujah, the world has cast out Cardinal Sin. Jaime Sin, former archbishop of Manila, has died at the age of 76. The Cardinal helped overthrow former Phillipine dictator through his support of the “people power revolution” of the 1980s. He called on his followers to surround the police and military headquarters to shield anti-government rebels from attack, prompting 1 million people took to the streets.

Riding the slimy chute to hell

Gene Scott, the wackiest, most entertaining televangelist ever, has died at the age of 75 after suffering a stroke. Most of us stumbled upon him while flipping the late-night channels to find his ranting, rambling sermons which amounted to little more than begging for money, much like any other televangelist, but the sheer lunacy made it worth watching. In order to pump up the donation, he might sit silently smoking a cigar, or let viewers know that "A skinflint may get to Heaven, but what awaits him are a rusty old halo, a skinny old cloud, and a robe so worn it scratches. First-class salvation costs money," or simply yell into the camera, "Get on the telephone!" For those who didn't send money, Scott suggested: "Vomit on yourself with your head up in the air." Through his efforts, the Protestant Los Angeles University Cathedral grew to 15,000 members and raised millions of dollars, all of which Rev. Scott could use however he saw fit, as dictated in the pledge slips donors signed. He spent lavishly on himself, with a private jet, mansion, horse farms and chauffeured limos, and on charity, raising $2 million for the fire-damaged Los Angeles Central Library and donating $20,000 to save the Museum in Black from eviction. Unlike his brethren, he did not condemn homosexuals, arguing that Jesus accepted him as he was, so he would accept them as they are. But he could take a political stand, as during the first Gulf War, he encouraged President Bush to "Nuke 'em in the name of Jesus!"