Let’s Play None

Or

Banks Liquidated

(Props to Joe)

Or

Not Too Big To Fail

(Additional accolades for Joe)
Ernie Banks, perhaps the longest suffering of the Cubs faithful, has died of a heart attack at the age of 83. Ironically, he died in this, the year of the Cubs’ World Series championship, as foretold by Back to the Future II. A former shortstop with the Kansas City Monarchs, Banks was the first black player for the Chicago Cubs. Mr. Cub played all of his 19 seasons for Chicago, earning 14 All-Star nods, finished his career with 512 HRs, including a then-record 277 at shortstop, and was the first National Leaguer to win consecutive MVP awards in 1958 and 1959. But more than any set of numbers, Banks was renowned for his unsurpassed joy at playing the greatest game, made all the more profound for having toiled so long in the place where summers go to die. 

Good Riyadh-ance

Or

So the imams gonna pray, pray, prayAnd the bloggers have no rights and get flayed, flayed, flayedAnd the women can’t drive, so they stay, stay, stayNow Saudi Arabia’s gonna sheikh, sheikh, sheikh
Sheikh it Off

Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, King of our woman-oppressing, terrorist-funding partner in peace Saudi Arabia, has died at the age of 90. King Abdullah was considered a progressive, tolerant head of state, despite Saudi Arabia being consistently being rated alongside North Korea and Turkmenistan in terms of civil and political liberty. In fact the last official act of his reign was approving the lashing of a blogger who had called for free speech. As there is no legal code, criminal “justice” still consists of judges’ interpretations of Islamic scripture, confessions secured through torture and then hands and feet being chopped off for theft, lashes for adultery and other “social” misdemeanors and while the world gapes in horror whenever ISIS beheads a prisoner, the Saudis average 90 a year for crimes as varied as sedition, carjacking, sorcery and drug smuggling. The head of the IMF referred to Abdullah as a strong, if discreet, advocate for women, as evidenced by his freeing women from the hassles of the road by ensuring Saudi Arabia remained the last country in the world where women are still not allowed to drive. Of course, given that women can’t leave the house, make a purchase, sign any legal document, agree to surgery, or take a class without the consent of either their husband or father, it’s not like they have a lot of reason to go anywhere anyway. When not oppressing his own people, the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques also turned a blind eye while millions of Saudi dollars filled the coffers of Al-Qaeda, et al, and the State Department referred to Saudi Arabia as a terrorist piggy bank in cables leaked by Edward Snowden. 

La Dolce Muerte

Anita Ekberg, the best looking person in Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, has died at the age of 83. Perfectly cast as a Venusian given how little English she spoke, Ekberg was enjoying the largesse of the 1951 Miss Universe pageant, where the big Swede’s top 6 finish got her a contract with Universal Studios. Fully aware of what got her to Hollywood, Ekberg spent more time pursuing romances with the likes of Frank Sinatra, Tyrone Power, Yul Brynner, Rod Taylor and Errol Flynn than in her drama classes. She lost the role of proto-Bond Girl Honey Ryder in Dr. No to Ursula Andress and her career amounted to a number of forgettable roles in forgettable films, though her cleavage made a memorable appearance in La Dolce Vita.

Cold as the Other Side of the Pillow

(An epitaphany shared with Joe and Monty)

 

Or

Just Call Him Gopher, ‘Cause He’s in a Hole

 

Or

Boo? Yay!

 

Or

Stuart's Scotch-Irish Wake

(Props to Phil)

Somewhere Pookie, Ray-Ray, Nieesha and the rest of the congregation are mourning, as Stuart Scott, who helped to speed the downfall of SportsCenter by trying to convince America he was black, has died of cancer at the age of 49. Hired for the start of espn2, then the New Coke of the mothership in 1993, he was moved to the anchor’s desk on SportsCenter in what should be known as the Dread Scott Decision. His hip hop slang, catchphrases and easy rapport with Rich Eisen quickly found a non-discriminating audience. As his stature and his colleagues’ irritation with him grew, he spent more time on the road. On a trip to New York Jets mini-camp, he got hit in the face while attempted to catch a pass, leading to a detached retina, drooping eyelid and a 6-year contract offer from the Jets. In July 2014, he won the Jim Valvano Spirit Award, an award named for the former NC State basketball coach who caused a state school in a basketball-mad region to voluntarily put itself on probation because his team couldn’t read and were selling their game tickets and school-issued shoes on the side, but is a good guy because he got cancer and isn’t Dick Vitale. The award was presented at the ESPYs, which surprisingly two people on our list apparently still watch.

Clamped

Donna Douglas, the two best things about The Beverly Hillbillies, not counting the Ballad of Jed Clampett, has died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 82. In the vein of Jeannie and Samantha Stevens, Mary Ann and Ginger, Betty and Veronica, Douglas and Nancy Culp (Miss Hathaway) formed one of the all-time great “Who’s Hotter?” pop culture debates. The tomboyish, critter lovin’ Elly May never cottoned to the ways of Southern California, and regularly battered the many suitors eager to visit her hills. Though she did enjoy the cement pond. Douglas’ other contribution to the 1960s was in the reveal in the Twilight Zone classic Eye of the Beholder as the patient whose reconstructive surgery-defying beauty makes her an outcast in the land of the duckfaced.

Super Mario Smothers

Mario Cuomo, who hit .244 for the 1952 Brunswick Pirates of the Class D Georgia-Florida League, has died of heart failure at the age of 82. He also governed a little. The three-term New York governor was a liberal icon and his passionate keynote speech at the 1984 Democratic National Convention attacking the policies of President Reagan rallied the party to avoid a complete shutout as Walter Mondale carried Minnesota. It being his home state also may have helped. Widely viewed as the front-runner for the nomination in 1988 and 1992, Cuomo was twice scared off by the personality juggernaut of George Herbert Walker Bush. Defeated by George Pataki in 1994, he retired from public life, telling Bill Clinton he wasn’t interested in being nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court in 1999 moments before he was tapped.