Hey Buffalo Bills, Who Did You Kill?

Ralph Wilson, the last member of the Foolish Club who founded the American Football League at $25,000 a pop, has died at the age of 95. While his fellow fools opted to establish their sports empires in sunny climes like San Diego or great cities like Boston, Wilson opted to make a name for himself in the godforsaken tundra of Buffalo, embracing the 9 months of lake-effect snow a year in the hopes that taking up in a town no visiting team wanted to visit would give him an unbeatable homefield advantage. The strategy met with some success, with back-to-back AFL titles in 1964 and 1965, and an NFL record 4 straight Super Bowl appearances, each of which ended as miserably as a February day in Buffalo. Despite being the 3rd most worthless franchise in the NFL, valued at a scant $870 million, Wilson kept the tiny market of Buffalo in the major league fraternity for more than 50 years. Other highlights included keeping O.J. Simpson off the streets for more than a decade, and ensuring that football fans everywhere would suffer through a half century of Al Davis by floating him a $400,000 loan in 1962 to keep the team afloat. 

I Guess Lt. Col. Slade Did Take a Flamethrower to the Place

(Props to Phil)

Or

I Can't Believe That Guy Died

(Additional accolades a la Phil)

James Robert Rebhorn, who I saw on the Boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ the night before the MS 150 Bike-a-Thon last year, has died at the age of 66. The classic “Hey, It’s That Guy” had an angular face, narrow set eyes and long, thin nose that made him ideally suited to weasely roles like Secretary of Defense Nimzicki in Independence Day, the headmaster of Charlie’s school in Scent of a Woman, the easily discredited expert witness in My Cousin Vinny, the district attorney in the Seinfeld finale, one of the fake people in The Game and the doctor friend of the Byrnes in Meet the Parents. One of his last recurring roles was actually a good guy, as Peter’s boss Reese Hughes on White Collar, who loses his job while providing cover for Peter and Neil’s wacky schemes. 

Muerte, Muerte, Quiet Contra-ry

Lawrence Walsh, who helped end the first Bush administration while watching most of those he investigated get off scott free, has died at the age of 102. Walsh’s career in public service dates back to serving under New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey before he defeated Truman. He was then appointed by President Eisenhower to a seat on the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York, and later as Deputy Attorney General. He spent 25 years in the private sector before being brought in as the independent counsel investigating the Reagan Administration’s creative accounting in the Iran-Contra affair. His investigation led to the convictions of both former National Security Advisor John Poindexter and National Security Council member Oliver North, both later reversed. Walsh also indicted former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger on two counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice and, on the eve of the 1992 presidential election, on one count of false statements. President George H.W. Bush was mentioned in the indictment, and some have argued that his momentum in closing the gap with Bill Clinton was stopped by the dubiously timed announcement. The indictment was later dismissed and Weinberger was pardoned by President Bush along with most of the other co-conspirators. 

In a World Without a Voice

(Props to Monty)

Hal Douglas, who spent more time begging for attention in the dark than a prom queen runner-up with daddy issues, has died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 89. In his gravelly baritone, Douglas invited “audiences everywhere” to “a world where” “the laws of the universe no longer apply,” ensuring moviegoers would be “thrilled by images never before seen ... until now!,” as the narrator of thousands of cinematic trailers. For decades Douglas, the late Don LaFontaine, and Don Morrow were the go-to voices in trailerology – so far ahead of the pack they didn’t even bother adding the 4^th face on their Mount Rushes-more. His unique status scored him an on-camera role as a voice-over artist in the trailer for Jerry Seinfeld’s 2002 documentary, “Comedian,” where he spoke only in clichés to the growing frustration of his director. He was also the subject of a short documentary about his career in 2013 titled “A Great Voice.”

Elbow Tomb

Frank Jobe, who laughed at those who derided him for hoarding cadaver tendons, has died at the age of 89. The pioneering orthopedic surgeon figured out how to give Major League Baseball an extra 14 years of Tommy John by replacing the ulnar collateral ligament in the surgery that would bear the pitcher’s name. Before the surgery in 1974, John’s career high in a season was 16 wins and he made 1 All-Star Game appearance. After, he was a 3-time 20-game winner and made 3 more All-Star Games. Why Jobe didn’t offer it to Sandy Koufax whose career was ended by a similar injury is a mystery for the ages. The procedure has become so prevalent that it’s estimated that one-third of all pitchers have had it done. In his honor, half the pitchers in spring training this year have gone under the knife. Jobe also performed the first major reconstructive shoulder procedure, which saved Orel Hershiser’s career in 1990. All well and good, but Jobe also landed in a glider on the beach at Normandy as a medic in World War II, was in the Battle of the Bulge and was captured at Bastogne then escaped, and earned the Bronze Star Medal, Combat Medical Badge, and Glider Badge.