Pissed Off

David Sheridan, inventor of the modern disposable catheter, has died at the age of 95. Prior to World War II, catheters were made of braided cotton strings that looked like shoelaces, but Sheridan found a way to make the catheter bladder. Sheridan generally dictated his thoughts on design ideas, and his declaration, “Urethra, I’ve got it,” is renowned in medical lore. His development of a plastic catheter made a vas deferens in medical care, but Sheridan got the shaft for years, before being honored in 1993 by the American Society of Anesthesiology for developing the first cardiac catheters and the "Saratoga Sump Drain" and "Salem Stomach Sump Drain."

Last Exit

Hubert Selby Jr., the author who eschewed pesky literary notions such as plot and punctuation in such novels as Last Exit to Brooklyn and Requiem for a Dream, has made his own ultimate egress at the age of 75. Lacking formal training, Selby wrote Exit to Brooklyn, a novel so darkly depressing that it was banned as obscene in England and parts of the United States, and was hailed as a brilliant exercise no one would want to read.

Cold Cream

Cold Cream
Estee Lauder, who convinced people they were old and ugly to build a billion-dollar empire out of crap she used to make in her kitchen, has found the drain stopper on the fountain of youth, pulling the plug at the age of 97. Her products are expected to give her a natural look in her final repose. Calling her products "jars of hope," (not to be confused with jars for dopes) Lauder took her uncle’s recipes, added creative marketing and created a company worth $10 billion at the time of her death.

Footing the Bill

Pat Tillman gave up the muddled mess of the Arizona Cardinals playbook for the muddled mess of the Bush Administration’s foreign policy and made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of his country, dying in a firefight in Afghanistan at the age of 27. With a reputation as one of the NFL’s toughest players, Tillman had a $3.6 million contract waiting for him with the Cardinals, but responding to the events of September 11 was a higher calling, and he joined his brother in the Army Rangers, following in the footsteps of relatives who had served at Pearl Harbor and in Vietnam. After leaving the NFL, Tillman declined requests for interviews, and did not request special treatment, considering his sacrifice no greater than that of his comrades. To honor that spirit, below is a listing of the 109 Americans killed in Afghanistan since military operations began there in October 2001.

Jones, Darrell
Profitt, Jason
Dillon Jr., James R.
Tillman, Patrick D.
Jallah, Jr., Dennis
Lagman, Anthony S.
Esposito, Jr., Michael J.
Claunch, Herbert R
Hall, David E.
Golding, Nicholes Darwin
Gilman, Benjamin L.
Seitsinger, Danton K.
Scott, Justin A.
Mowris, James D.
Mancini, Curtis
Kinser, Adam G.
Cook, Robert J.
Perreault, Theodore L.
Plumhoff, Steven
Walkup Jr., Thomas A.
Walters, Howard A.
Kerwood, William J.
Albert, Phillip R.
Blessing, Jay A.
Sweeney, Paul A.
Carlson, William
Clemens, Shawn M.
Wood, Roy A.
Mueller, Christopher Glenn
Kimbrough, Paul W.
Parker, Kristian E.
O'Neill, Evan W.
Thomas, Adam L.
Fuller, Chad C.
Lane, Mitchell A.
Tapper, David M.
Geiger, Christopher P.
Gutierrez, Kelvin Feliciano
Retzer, Thomas E.
Michaud, Seth R.
Taylor, John E.
Losano, Raymond
Dennis, Jerod R.
Frazier, Jacob L.
Morales, Orlando
Stein, John
Teal, John "Mike"
Maltz, Michael
Hicks, Jason Carlyle
Archuleta, Tamara Long
Plite, Jason Thomas
McNeil, Spence A.
Smith, John D.
Moehling, Timothy Wayne
Tracy Jr., William John
Gonzalez-Garza, Rodrigo
Clemens, Brian Michael
Boes, Helge
Barry, Michael C.
Frampton, Gregory Michael
O'Steen, Mark
Kisling Jr., Daniel Leon
Gibbons, Thomas J.
Checo, Steven
Pena, Pedro
Ebbers, James H.
Sledd, Antonio J.
Foraker, Ryan D.
Speer, Christopher J.
Tycz II, Peter P.
Corlew, Sean M.
Shero, Anissa A.
Vance Jr., Gene A.
Galewski, Justin J.
Maugans, Jamie O.
Romero, Daniel A.
Craig, Brian T.
Bourgeois, Matthew J.
Anderson, Marc A.
Crose, Peter P.
Svitak, Philip J.
Roberts, Neil C.
Chapman, John A.
Cunningham, Jason D.
Commons, Matthew A.
Stanley L. Harriman
Carter, Curtis A.
Disney, Jason A.
Cohee III, Walter F.
Morgan, Dwight J.
Hays, Nathan P.
Winters, Jeannette L.
Germosen, Scott N.
McCollum, Daniel G.
Bryson, Stephen L.
Bertrand, Bryan P.
Bancroft, Matthew W.
Chapman, Nathan R.
Davis, Jefferson D.
Petithory, Daniel H.
Prosser, Brian C.
Jakes Jr., Michael J.
Maria, Giovanny
Spann, Johnny Michael
Parker, Vincent
Johnson, Benjamin
Davis, Bryant L.
Edmunds, John J.
Stonesifer, Kristofor T.
Andrews, Evander E.

Big Mac Attack

Or
Greased


Or
I can see the deadly hamburger has done its evil work.*

Or
McDeath

Or
You know why Americans call it fast food...because it speeds them on the way to the grave.*
James Cantalupo, CEO of McDonalds, died of a "sudden and unexpected heart attack," creating a bit of a catch-22 for the fast food giant: do we acknowledge that our products have a body count greater than Jason Voorhees, or do we claim that even our own executives don’t eat the petroleum byproducts we call food? Ironically, Cantalupo had been credited with bolstering McDonalds' profits, due in part to the inclusion of a healthier menu. Share prices dropped by more than a dollar after Cantalupo's death was announced, as investors fears McDonalds' salad days were behind them.

* Mad props to anyone who recognizes this as a quote from the most underrated action film of 1985: Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

Most Recent Dead Twin

(Props to Monty for the header)
Norris McWhirter, co-founder of the Guinness Book of Records tied the record for most fatal heart attacks last week at the age of 78. Norris and his brother Ross started the book to settle a debate between several drunks over whether the golden plover or red grouse was the faster bird. One of the drunks happened to be a Guinness executive who realized the potential for a bar bet arbiter with his company’s name on it, and soon the greatest selling copyrighted work of all time was born. Over the years a public with an increasing hunger for notoriety through humiliation led to the addition of a wide range of categories, prompting a columnist at The Evening Standard to dub the book: "The Guinness Book of Morons Doing Pointless Things to Make Ross and Norris McWhirter Even Richer."

One in a Hole

Bruce Edwards, long-time PGA caddie, has succumbed to amytrophic lateral sclerosis. Despite spending 30 years as Tom Watson’s caddie, the closest he came to an actual athlete was contracting Lou Gehrig’s disease.

Good-night Jim-Bob

James Hamner, the inspiration for Jim-Bob, the big-eared Walton, bought the farm, ironically less than year after he sold the real-life farm on the real-life Walton Mountain.

Lars, but not Least

Lars Piloof, the janitor who rose to become King of Norway for a few brief hours, died in Piltdown Castle at the age of 93, leaving his wife Ana Gram. During WWII the family of King Olav V of Norway fled to the United States, taking up residence at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York. There, the family befriended Roswell Piloof, a hotel janitor, and he became one of the family's personal aides. After the war, Piloof accompanied the family to Norway, and adopted a more suitable first name, Lars. For decades, he was the personal assistant to the king, and was attending the king on his deathbed in 1991. The deluded king, thinking he was speaking with his son, abdicated the throne to Lars. Several hours passed before the rightful heir, Harald V could return to the capital, where Piloof immediately abdicated himself. In gratitude, Piloof was given Piltdown Castle for himself and his family. The incident was kept quiet for several years until Clifford Irving chronicled the story in a book "The Giant of Cardiff," referring to Piloof's hometown in New York.