Singalong in a Ditch

(Props to Monty)

Or
Kaput goes the King of Karaoke
(Kudos for Monty)

Or
Playing out the String Along with Mitch
Mitch Miller, the music producer who dismissed The Beatles as the hula hoop of music, has died at the age of 99. Going farther in the music industry than any classically trained oboist has a right to, Miller helped launch the careers of Tony Bennett, Rosemary Clooney, Johnny Mathis, Doris Day, Patti Page and Frankie Laine by convincing them to eschew artistic quality for pop tripe that would sell, like Clooney’s Come On-a My House. He also tried to ruin Frank Sinatra’s career through material like Bim Bam Baby and Mama Will Bark, a duet in dog mimicry with TV’s Dagmar. Miller also created techniques to overcome trite lyrics and bad vocals, like overdubbing and a sonic halo. Later the freakishly goateed maestro orchestrated mass mind control experiments on his television program Sing Along with Mitch, looking like one of Satan’s minions and imploring Americans to follow the bouncing ball and perform the American songbook while subliminal messages commanded them to vote for Richard Nixon and to drink more ovaltine. The karaoke phenomenon of the 1990s sought to replicate Miller’s subliminal control on a local level, but only managed to convince the susceptible to buy tickets to Pauly Shore movies. Miller himself enjoyed a bit of a comeback in the 1980s, as shopping malls began playing his hits to discourage loitering mallrats, and had a last hurrah in 1993, when the FBI tried to drive out David Koresh’s Branch Dividian cult by blasting “Sing Along With Mitch” Christmas carols on loudspeakers. h

Resin Ate It

Dan Resin, famed navigator of the porcelain pool, has died at the age of 79 of Parkinson’s disease. Resin played the dapper, erudite captain of the tiny speedboat carried away on the blue wave as Mr. Ty-D-Bol, probably the most famous of his many commercials. At the top of his career, he was doing 3 commercials a week, and may be the only actor in history to star in consecutive commercials for different companies in a single Super Bowl. You may also remember him as Dr. Beeper, the medic electrocuted by his pager and whose booty call was thwarted by Judge Smails’ drunk nephew vomiting into his car’s moonroof in Caddyshack.

The Box She’s Trapped in Isn’t Invisible This Time

Or
Silenced
(Props to Monty)
Lorene Yarnell, who capitalized on America’s long-standing obsession with the mime arts and variety shows to become a hit in the 1970s, has reached the end of her rope, having died from the strain of trying to silently act out a brain aneurysm. Yarnell teamed with Robert Shields as the comedy mime-and-dance team Shields and Yarnell, making appearances on countless programs and specials before scoring their own CBS series, proving that there were depths even below the Captain and Tenille, Tony Orlando and Dawn and Pink Lady and Jeff. Yarnell made a comeback of sorts in 1987 as Dot Matrix in Spaceballs, with a voice supplied by Joan Rivers.

Zero Wolfe

(Additional accolades for Monty)

Or
He Liked his Grits "Regular"
(More merit for Monty)
Maury Chaykin, who gave up the Great White Way for the Great White North, has died at the age of 61. Born in Brooklyn, Chaykin believed the exchange rate would offer more leading man opportunities for an unattractive lump of dough and he became a Canadian citizen. The ubiquitous character actor played the unhinged major who wets himself, sends Lieutenant Dunbar into the middle of nowhere to keep an eye on the wildlife, then shoots himself in Dances with Wolves, helped David Lightman hack into the WOPR in WarGames, was the lawyer who forced the New York Rangers to play a game in the middle of nowhere in Mystery, Alaska, was an expert witness on the preparation of grits in My Cousin Vinny, thundered as Harvey Weingard on Entourage, helped raise his motherless nephew in Unstrung Heroes, and embodied the similarly doughy detective Nero Wolfe. Among the hosers, he won the Genie, Canada’s stupidly named version of the Oscar, for Whale Music where he played an unsettled reclusive rocker – think Brian Wilson and add ‘eh’ at the end of every sentence, and was the patriarch of a dysfunctional suburban family in the dark sitcom Less Than Kind.

Assassinated

Jack Tatum, the man who made Darryl Stingley famous, has died of a heart attack at the age of 61. The former Oakland Raiders defensive back helped cement the renegade image of the Raiders and earned himself the nickname the Assassin for his brutal tackles, especially the hit in 1978 preseason game that left Stingley, a New England Patriots wide receiver, a quadriplegic. Although Tatum was not penalized by referees or the league office, he was reviled for his lack of public remorse, and for only reaching out to Stingley in an attempt to sell his biography. Tatum frequently had his actions narrated by John Facenda, including a hit in Super Bowl XI that knocked Vikings wide-out Sammy White’s helmet off, and the hit on Pittsburgh receiver Frenchy Fuqua in the 1972 divisional playoff that allowed Franco Harris to make the Immaculate Reception.

Schorr Enough

Daniel Schorr, who managed to get on the enemies lists of both CBS News and Richard Nixon, has died at the age of 93 following a short illness. A protégé of Edward R. Murrow at CBS News, he made a name for himself in 1957 when he persuaded Soviet premier Nikita Kruschev to sit for an interview for Face the Nation, but got get kicked out of the country for conflicts with Soviet censors. He won 3 Emmys for his coverage of the Watergate scandal, and his blunt reporting earned him a spot on Nixon’s enemies list, which he discovered while reading the list during a live broadcast. He ran afoul of his CBS uber-bosses in 1976 when he obtained a copy of a suppressed House of Representatives committee report on the questionable activities of the CIA. CBS declined to publish it, so he passed it on to The Village Voice. When suspicion pointed to his CBS colleague Lesley Stahl, he initially let her take the rap before coming forward. He refused to reveal his source to a House committee, narrowly avoiding a citation, but he was forced to resign by CBS. He later became the first employee of CNN as senior news analyst in 1979, remaining there until 1984, when he refused to be paired with John Connally, ex-Texas Governor and Nixon Treasure secretary for commentary on the 1984 Republican Convention. His contract was not renewed, and he left in 1985 to become senior news analyst for NPR, where he didn’t have enough listeners to piss anyone off. He remained a commentator there for the last 25 years, with his last commentary airing July 10.

Another Yankee Bites the Dust

Ralph Houk, who won 2 World Series and 3 AL pennants in his first 3 seasons as manager of the New York Yankees, then coasted for the next 17 years, has died at the age of 90. Houk won the Silver Star, Bronze Star and Purple Heart in World War II, giving him little reason to be concerned following Yankee legend Casey Stengel, who had won 10 pennants and 7 World Series before getting the axe. After losing the 1963 World Series, he got promoted to GM, then fired Yogi Berra in 1964, let the farm system dry up and hired himself as manager again in 1966. He resigned after the 1973 season, then was hired by the Detroit Tigers in 1975, losing 102 games in his first season and wrecking rookie phenom pitcher Mark “The Bird” Fidrych’s arm in his second before retiring after the 1978 season. He came back in 1981 to spend 3 seasons overseeing the makings of the Boston Red Sox 1986 AL pennant winners, then served as assistant to the GM with the Minnesota Twins for their 1987 World Series championship season.

This Guy Here is Dead. Cross Him Off Then.

James Gammon, star of Cabin Boy, has died of cancer of the liver and adrenal glands at the age of 70. The character actor with the face and voice like 12 miles of bad road, made notable appearances in westerns like Silverado and the Milagro Beanfield War, but is best remembered for stealing the movie Major League as Lou Brown, whitewall-selling manager of the Cleveland Indians. Other roles included Nash Bridges father, Nick; Osiris, a henchman of King Tut on Batman, three presidents – Ulysses S. Grant, Zachary Taylor and Teddy Roosevelt and was renowned for his stage performances, winning a Tony nomination in 1996 for the adaptation of Sam Shepard’s Buried Child.

Speed Racer No Longer Revvin' Up That Powerful Mach 5

(Can I get a Whoop Whoop for Monty)
Or
Mach Gone Gone Gone
Peter Fernandez, bringer of crappy Japanese cartoons to American audiences, has died of cancer at the age of 83. Fernandez voiced Speed Racer, wrote the lyrics to the American version of the show’s theme song, voiced the mysterious Racer X, wrote scripts and directed the dubbers. Fernandez developed his rapid-fire delivery to match the mouth flaps from the original poly-syllabic Japanese cartoons. He got the gig after writing English dialogue for Astro Boy and Gigantor. He later played Lupin III, Daisuke Jigen, and President Jimmy Carter in a dubbed version of Lupin III: The Secret of Mamo. Other voice roles included Marine Boy, Star Blazers: The Bolar Wars, and Superbook, and he made a cameo appearance as an announcer in the 2008 live-action "Speed Racer" film.

Meet the Dead Boss, Same as the Old Boss

Or
Jerry, it's Frank Costanza... Hank Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.
(Props to Jon S.)
Showing he would do anything to show up Major League Baseball, George Steinbrenner, the only owner in Major League Baseball history to be suspended more than once, died the day of the All-Star Game from a heart attack at the age of 80. His death prompting countless fawning eulogies, ignoring 4 decades when the only people who didn’t hate him weren’t paying attention. Taking advantage of gutless commissioners and incompetent owners to tilt the competitive balance of baseball, Steinbrenner was able to outspend every other team in baseball, because the man who traded Jay Buhner and went through managers the way Spinal Tap goes through drummers (20 changes in his first 23 years) certainly couldn’t outthink anyone. Before Major League Baseball lost its mind and teams began lavishing multi-year, multi-million contracts on middling talent, Steinbrenner owned the team through its longest period without a World Series championship. Among the highlights, he was convicted of making illegal campaign contributions to Richard Nixon. He fired icon Yogi Berra 16 games into the 1985 season after declaring he would be the manager for the entire season, win or lose. He paid a gambler $40,000 in a fruitless effort to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield in attempt to void his contract, which ironically helped fuel the team’s resurgence in the mid-90s, as he was unable to trade away young talent for aging slow bats and sore arms, but that didn’t keep him from claiming credit. He threatened to move the team to New Jersey to force New York City to build him his new $1 billion antiseptic playpen. Born in Cleveland, the Tampa resident was nevertheless quintessentially New York: a thug and a fraud lacking grace or civility and possessing an undeserved overinflated sense of importance.

From Shlub to Shrub

(Props to Chris N)
Harvey Pekar, who decided his dead-end life as a file clerk at the Cleveland VA deserved the same star treatment as Superman and Batman, has died at the age of 70 of prostate cancer. Pekar collaborated with friend and artist Robert Crumb, and the resulting comic, American Splendor, made them stars of the independent comic set, which made him rich and famous enough to keep his job at the Veterans Administration hospital. Pekar’s fame did get him a series of guest spots on Late Night with David Letterman, where his antics and attacks on NBC got him banned.

OH at the Pearly Gates: I Don’t Get it; You Don’t Sound Anything Like Me

(Greg, finding religion)
Bob Sheppard, former voice of the World Football League’s New York Stars, has died at the age of 99. Sheppard did nothing but read names of the participants of games he had little interest in or regard for and somehow became an icon. There is an argument against tradition. Lauded for his elegant intonations of more than a half century’s worth of icons and irrelevants, from Mickey Mantle to Mickey Klutts, Sheppard was often called the Voice of God, equating diction with omnipotence, as only New Yorkers can. He hadn’t been at a game since the end of the 2007 season due to illness, but recorded introductions for the final game at Yankee Stadium, and his recording is still used to introduce Derek Jeter. In addition to the Yankees, he was the PA announcer for the New York Giants from 1956 to 2005, at both Yankee Stadium and Giants Stadium, men’s basketball and football at St. John’s University, Army football, the NASL’s New York Cosmos, American Football League’s New York Titans at the Polo Grounds, the Brooklyn Dodgers of the All-American Football Conference, and the WFL’s Stars at Downing Stadium. For a batter, he was also the PA announcer at Fenway Park. Visiting sport’s greatest stadium for a Boston-California game, Sheppard was invited to introduce a batter by the Red Sox’ inimitable Sherm Feller. The batter, Reggie Jackson, familiar with that voice, dropped his bat and whipped around to scan the press box. Despite his vantage point on history, Sheppard was no fan, reading books between hitters and standing at the back of the press box at the end of games as a head start on beating the traffic. So really, he was closer to an anal retentive librarian than a baseball institution.

Major Dead

Maje McDonnell, living history of the Philadelphia Phillies, has died at the age of 88. One of the great things about baseball, especially the Original 10, are the baseball lifers that are part of a team’s history, getting new responsibilities with new administrations and ownership, but always providing a link to the team’s history. Maje – short for Major, itself short for major leaguer because as a child he carried a baseball glove everywhere he went – started with the Phillies as a batting practice pitcher in 1947 after earning a Bronze star, five Battle Stars and a Purple Heart in the European theater during World War II. He was a coach on the fabled Whiz Kids of 1950, later serving as spring instructor, scout and community relations director. He was Veterans Stadium’s top tour guide, and spent time glad-handing the suite holders, sharing his deep first-hand knowledge of the team’s tortured history. For front office employees, he offered daily fielding practice, firing fungoes into the outfield with laser-like precision. Retiring after having spent 57 years with the team, he was the only member of the organization who was present for 5 of the team’s 7 World Series appearances.

Ice Road Mucker

Bob Probert, a fixture from when the NHL was fun, has died of an apparent heart attack at the age of 45. Probert was one of the NHL’s best enforcers and bodyguards for the Detroit Red Wings and Chicago Blackhawks from 1985 to 2002. Forming one half of the Bruise Brothers with Joey Kocur, Probert was best known for his career-long battle with Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Rangers and Winnipeg Jets thug Tie Domi, with Domi adopting his signature move, miming a heavyweight championship belt around his waist, after a 1992 encounter with Probert. Though best known for his donnybrooks, Probert could play a little, scoring 60 goals in his first junior season and earning an all-star spot in 1987-88 by scoring 29 goals then leading the team in the playoffs with 8 more. Of note to the trivially minded, he scored the last goal at Toronto’s Maple Leaf Gardens in 1999 with the Blackhawks.

The Air Down There

Don Coryell, aggravator of defensive coaches both foreign and domestic, has died at the age of 85. As the head coach of the St. Louis Cardinals, and even more so with the San Diego Chargers, Coryell helped usher in the wide-open passing offense in the NFL with his brand known as Air Coryell. With Hall of Famers Dan Fouts at quarterback, Charlie Joiner at wide receiver and Kellen Winslow at tight end, the Chargers made the postseason 4 times, twice reaching the AFC Championship game, in Coryell’s 8-year tenure. Coryell’s passing game then indirectly changed defenses, increasing substitutions with nickel and dime backs, situational blitzes and forcing an overall focus on speed in the secondary. Coryell also built the San Diego State football program, and was the first coach to win 100 games in the pros and in college, making the College Football Hall of Fame in 1999, but failing to get the credit for his innovations by pro football voters.

When You Wish Upon a Star, You Still End Up Dead

Or
Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boned
Ilene Woods, voice of Cinderella, has died of Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 81. Debuting at 2, and hosting her own radio show on ABC Radio’s Blue Network, she sang for President Roosevelt in Hyde Park and President Truman at the White House. Woods was asked by friends to sing songs they’d written for a movie. That tape ended up in the hands of Walt Disney, who cast her in the role that made her a Disney Legend.