Geraldine Ferraro, who fell just 253 electoral votes shy of becoming the first female vice president in U.S. history, has died of cancer at the age of 75. The three-term Congresswoman from Queens blazed a trial for inexperienced women selected as token eye candy by overmatched men later followed by Sarah Palin and Kelly Ripa. Only the fact that she was unqualified, had a husband who didn’t feel obligated to pay taxes and had mob ties and that her running mate Walter Mondale was bland and ran on a platform of raising taxes kept them from stopping the Reagan Revolution.
White Lilies: A New Fragrance from Elizabeth Taylor
(Props to Shawn)
Or Cat on a Cold Metal Slab (Kudos to Monty)
Or 8 Weddings and a Funeral (Shamelessly stolen from stiffs.com) Elizabeth Taylor, serial bride, diamond shill, and Oscar winner for Butterfield 8 before she ate fields of butter in her later years, has died of congestive heart failure at the age of 79. With any luck, this means we’ve seen the last of those godawful 20-year-old White Diamonds commercials. Throughout her career, Taylor tended toward edgier roles, first drawing attention in National Velvet as a cross-dressing pre-teen horse fetishist, winning an Oscar in Butterfield 8 as a hooker and another as a whiny, violent alcoholic in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, playing a gold-digging seductress in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, with other ex-hookers, adulteresses and drunks mixed in for good measure. When not acting, Taylor was a big fan of getting pelted with rice, with 8 trips down the aisle. Richard Burton once said "Elizabeth's breasts are apocalyptic, they would topple empires before they withered." Several marriages fell as well. She led off with Conrad Hilton, but checked out after 9 months; bent Michael Wilding’s stiff upper lip after 5 years; fell hard for Mike Todd, who then fell hard in a twin-engine Lockheed; Todd’s friend Eddie Fisher was at her side, gradually working his way around to the front and dumping Debbie Reynolds in the process; turnabout was fairplay as Fisher was on the outside looking in at Taylor’s Cleopatra co-star Richard Burton; after 10 years, Dick and Liz divorced, forgot why they divorced and got remarried, remembered why and re-divorced after 16 months; 6 months after that divorce, Taylor hit the campaign aisle with Senator John Warner, who was term limited at 6 years, and then, seemingly by accident, she married fellow rehabber Larry Fortensky for another 5-year bite of the apple. Later years were marked by humanitarian efforts, primarily to fight AIDS, playing Fred Flintstone’s mother-in-law Pearl Slaghoople and providing Maggie Simpson’s voice for her first word.
Suddenly last week, 4 Pooligans picked apart Liz’s 20 points, with Jen taking 3rd, while Michelle’s A Kiss Before Dying (But Not With Vigoda), Shawn’s Team Older, and my R.I.P. from the Headlines 3 – R.I.P.est join the dogpile at 13th. Also of note, my first GHI Bingo, and 12th overall, – 2005 – Better Dead Than Red State
Or Un-Warren-ted Warren M. Christopher, who as President Clinton’s Secretary of State didn’t stop the genocide in Rwanda, didn’t enact a road map to peace in the Middle East, gave away the Panama Canal, and didn’t address China’s human rights violations and favorable trade status, then as an Al Gore operative couldn’t find a more compelling VP candidate than Joe “Droopy Dog” Lieberman and failed to secure a legitimate outcome in the recounting of the 2000 presidential election, has died of bladder and liver cancer at the age of 85. Christopher had previously served as Deputy Secretary of State under President Carter, and was passed over when Cyrus Vance resigned in protest over the failed rescue attempt of Iranian hostages. Christopher eventually secured their negotiated release for the hostages, giving his old boss the finger by making the day of their release his last in office. Among his successes were negotiating an end to the Balkans conflict after years of ignoring genocidal bloodshed, giving Jordan $1 billion to acknowledge Israel, restoring Jean-Bertrande Aristide to power to help make Haiti the thriving success story it is, and securing Poland’s place in NATO, pissing off Russia, but giving George W. Bush a powerful second ally in his war against Iraq after the United States was attacked by Afghanistan-based terrorists.
Or Time to Gough (Props to Monty) Michael Gough, who endured Val Kilmer, MacGregor Syndrome and nippled batsuits as Alfred Pennyworth, Batman’s beloved manservant, has died at the age of 94. Other roles included the guy who set Trog free in Joan Crawford’s last movie and the scientist Nick Rivers rescues in Top Secret! After the 1979 Tony Award winner for featured actor in Bedroom Farce was replaced by that hack Michael Caine, he kept food on the table as Tim Burton’s bitch, voicing the Dodo Bird in Alice in Wonderland, Elder Gutknecht in Corpse Bride, and playing Notary Hardenbrook in Sleepy Hollow.
Marty Marion, the only 8th place hitter to win the MVP award in major league baseball history, has died at the age of 93. Hitting just .267 with 6 HRs for the St. Louis Cardinals who would go on to win 1944’s strangely patriotic Streetcar Series over the Browns with all 6 games played in the teams’ shared Sportsman’s Park, meaning this trip really wasn’t necessary, Marion’s award reflected his defense and leadership and overall status as one of the top shortstops of the 1940s. Known both as Slats for his long, lean frame and Octopus for his long arms and exceptional range, Marion was a 7-time All Star and led the Cardinals to four pennants and three World Series championships in his 10 seasons under the Arch.
Ruby Muhammad, the human PR campaign for the bowtie set, has died at the age of 104 of lung cancer. In 1986, Nation of Islam head Louis Farrakhan named her the Mother of the Nation of Islam, despite the fact that she actually joined the nation in 1946, 7 years after it was founded, and that she had nothing to do with founder Elijah Muhammad. Either record keeping in the Nation isn’t as meticulous as their attire and Louie just assumed she was Elijah’s widow, or he decided he needed a happy, smiling, grandmotherly face to put on his shadowy cult, like how Colonel Sanders made for an adorable visage behind a narco-trafficking corporation that mixes in a secret ingredient among its 11 herbs and spices that makes you crave fried chicken fortnightly. With a Living Mrs. Butterworth in place, Minister Farrakhan was free to preach anti-Semitism, separatism, that the earth and moon were once the same thing, and that there was a $15 billion steel UFO mentioned in the Bible that still hovers over us – carrying the still living 114-year-old Elijah – and will come back and destroy America. Ruby Muhammad, meanwhile, got her own sweet ride - a motorized scooter donated for her use in her Sacramento nursing home.
